Monday, December 18, 2006

A Pun Day A The Races

Several of the Clone Troopers had a R&R day, so we went to check out a pod race.

After the race we were allowed to go and talk to some of the racers. One racer was complaining about needing a new pod racer.

He couldn't decide whether to buy a Racer with a high top speed but poor acceleration,

pod racer 1

or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

pod racr 2

He turned to me and asked my opinion on the subject.

I’d buy the second one because it cost a lot less" I replied, "and after all, torque is cheap.”

Friday, December 15, 2006

A Troubled Clone

There was one clone trooper I served with a while back named Max.

Max was a good solider, but he had one problem. He hated climbing hills or mountains.

The guy would do anything to get out of it. We often had to hike miles out of our way on patrols just to avoid some trek up a hill.

Even when we had to take a hill in battle, Max would not climb up with us. He would always come up with some excuse.

One day a Republic Officer complained to me about Max.

I just responded, “Well Sir, He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.”


P.S. the winner of the caption contest is: Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...
You call this representative art? I say we tip it. That's representative of something, right?

Don't know why, but struck me as funny.

Jon IG was a close second, but fell due to a Typo.

Thank you all for playing this round :)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

It Is Time Once Again For Tak’s Caption Contest.

I’ll start. Please add something funnier then this:

trooper cow tipping

This is not the cow you are looking for.

AMR3: Rough Landing

Bam!!! I hit the floor with a suddenness that nearly knocks the wind out of me. I lay on the ground, stunned trying to figure out what has just happened. Think! Clear your mind !

Ok what do I remember; I was on guard duty, the late shift. I had a few minutes and I was using the Holonet. That much I remember. What next? What was it? Come on you have to think!!

A pop-up. It was a pop-up. Said something about shoot the ducks and win a I-pod. So I shot at the ducks … then spinning and Bam! The floor!! ...

To find out the rest click here

I will be on the Amazing Mutant Race 3. Come by a watch in January. But will still be posting here, so do not :-)

Monday, December 11, 2006

It's Just Business ...

I have been assigned to the business forensics unit for a few weeks. Basically the unit looks over business records to see if we can find patterns of criminally. The Jedi are working with us to see if we can find out any information on a “dark force” problem.

What was interesting was finding out several very profitable companies that most of us had never heard of before the investigation.

Here are some of the samples.


OK, this is one I know about. Most Trooper helmets are made by these guys.


This one had a lot of business with bounty hunters, but how they could tell they were “Steely Eyed” when most of the bounty hunters buy from House of Vool.


Apparently this Realtor is used by people with hidden plans to take over the Republic, Jedi on the run and rebels.


These folks had a huge lay-away order for someone with the initials of: A.S. and/or D.V. Weird.


These guys build everywhere. Who among us haven’t seen their work. What I can’t understand is why no hand rails that meet Republic safety standards.

Sadly with all our work we didn’t find any bad guys. Well maybe we’ll have better luck next time.

Friday, December 08, 2006

All Items Half Off

I had always wondered what made Darth Maul turn to the dark side.

Maul mart

I should have known it was retail related.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


A young Republic officer had just been promoted and given his own office. On the first day in his new office, he sees a clone trooper come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Republic officer pick up the com-link and started to pretend he was talking to one of the fleet Admiral.

republic officer

He threw out ideas for capturing rebel bases and finishes with a flourish saying “And if you can’t see the logic in that plan Sir, then you may not be fit for duty.”

Finally he hung up and asked the Trooper, "Can I help you?"

The Trooper responded, "Yeah, I've come to activate your com-link."

Monday, December 04, 2006

Kiss, But Don't Tell

I had to escort a Republic Officer to Ryloth, the Twi’lek home world. One of the advantages for me, I did not have to wear my armor.

We boarded the public transport, but could not find a place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young Twi’lek woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it was obvious that the young woman and I were interested in each other, because the looks we exchanged.

Twi’Lek Maiden

Soon the transport jumped into hyper space and everything went pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the transport emerges from the Hyper-Jump, the four of us just sit there without saying a word.

The Twi'lek grandmother thought, "It was very brash for that young clone to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The Republic Officer thought to himself, "I didn't know that clone trooper was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The Twi’lek Women was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

I sat there with a satisfied smile on my face. I thought to myself, "Life is good. How often does a guy like me have the chance to kiss a beautiful Twi’lek and slap an officer all at the same time!"

Friday, December 01, 2006

Clones, Windu and A Problem

When working the Com-Stat desk on a late night detail I received a strange message. It was a memo from Kamino discussing a problem they were having with a clone. It seems the Jedi Council was attempting to a Jedi to help keep peace in the Republic. I made a copy of the memo before passing it along to the Jedi Temple.


To: Jedi Council
From: Lama Su and Bilee Geight

Subject: Jedi Clone Experiment

This memo is to inform you that we have had many set-backs in the Jedi Clone Experiment. Bilee Geight, the project coordinator, thinks the problem is due to the Mediclorians in the sample you sent. Or it may just be the genetic sample from Master Windu just will not work.

We have made thousands of attempts to prefect to process. Here are some examples of the issues we have faced.

Windu 95: Our first viable clone didn’t come about until the 95th try. It to work well, but kept shutting down if it had to do more than one task at a time. It did not work well with any other clones. Plus it looks wrong.

windu 95

Windu 98: Close on the heels our first success; we thought we had worked out many of the bugs. But we found this model had major problems when it was allowed to use the Holo-Net. It would get sick with viruses very quickly.

windu 98

Windu 2000: After a lot of work we again thought we had perfected the Jedi clone, but as you can see it was old and outdated before it even started to work. And it still had many of the same problems as Windu 95 and Windu 98.

Windu 2000
WINDU 2000

Windu XP: We gave up on a number system after Windu 2000. Windu XP (eXtra Powerful) overcame all the problem of the previous viable clones. At first it looks like all our problems were solved, but Windu XP began to hog all the resources in the training facility. After we had it working, we found that this model of clone needed constant upgrading to keep it working.

windu xp

We are therefore requesting that we can discontinue the Windu Project. In looking over the files of Jedi, it is believed we can get a viable Jedi clone from one of the following member of the order: Master Ma Kin Tosh, Jedi Knight Link Uss or Padawan Vista Beta.

P.S. Bilee Geight is still pushing for further use of the Windus, but please don’t listen to him.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Collection Of Knock Knock Jokes as told by Star Wars Folks.

Knock KnockWho's there?
Aiwha.Aiwha who?
Aiwhant to just take a minute of your time -- and give you a demonstration of an astounding leap forward in vacuum technology. Yes, friend, I'm talking about the GalactiVac 4000...

Count Dooku
Knock knock.
Who's there?

Jar Jar
Knock Knock
Who's There?
DishesDishes Who?
Dishes me, whois you?

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Art Who?
(yes, Jon, this is a recycled joke)

"Knock, knock!
Who's There?
I'm sorry, I can't hear you!"


Thank you , Thank you. The show is over, please go on about your business.

* Call number of the trooper Luke impersonated on the Deathstar

Monday, November 27, 2006

You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard ??

While suffering a Thanksgiving Day sleep induced food coma, I had strange visions of the future. I kept seeing a large asthmatic man in a black suit. It was strange and eerie. But the strangest part was my final vision before I was woken up by E775 so I could watch the big game.

vader vet

What can it mean?

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I Need Some Tums

Whoa! It is 2 days after Thanksgiving and I am still having trouble fitting into my armor.

Need to eat less stuffing and pie next year.

after thanksgiving

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Just a short note to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my blog friends.

After I get the Turkey taken care of, we can eat.

May the Fowl Be With You!!

star war thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Hoth Cones and Pik Sacks

Once again I was stationed on a bass ackward system in the outer rim. My unit was assigned to Port security. The normal stuff; help the local get the smuggling under control, keep an eye out for separatist and keep the Republic safe.

The only issue I had with the whole assignment was a Hoth Cone vender in the port. “Mac’s Hoth Cones” did a good business. The main problem was the owner, a Zabrak named Mac, would not shut up.

Mac the Talker

Everytime we patroled by his shop he would start chatting us up: “Wow, it must be great to see the galaxey like you guys, I think it going to be hot today, so is that armor hard to clean,” and on and on. E775 started callign him Chatty Mac, which I did not find as funny as E775 did.

One day a group of Krogs landed in the space port. Now Krog are good being, but on their homeworld they do not use Credits, only barter. One Krog approached the Hoth Cone Stand and tried to trade a pik sack (which is a very nice small sack woven out of Pik fur – expensive and durable.)

A Krog

Well, right away Mac Start to tell the Krog, it is 5 cr and he doesn’t want what every the Krog is trying to give him. Finally he yells “What the heck is that thing anyways?”

So I say “It is a Pik sack, Chatty Mac, so give the Krog a Cone!”

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Vader's Van

Darth Vader called ...

He is pissed ...

He wanted to know who pimped his van …


vader van

Saturday, November 18, 2006

After The Elections Press Conference (part 2)

The Press conference continues…


Q: Senator Ask Aak, about the race in Pixelito.

Senator Ask Aak: I'm glad you brought that up, Terry. Pixelito is the central front in this war. It's going to take a long time, but I'm confident we will succeed there. And the reason I'm confident we'll succeed is because Gran want to succeed. A defeat there—if we were to withdraw before the job is done, it would embolden extremists. The only way we lose in Pixelito is if we leave before the job is done.

Q: But, Sir, your candidate there, Sen. Talk Taar, has conceded.

Senator Ask Aak: Well, we have our differences with Sen. Talk Taar from time to time. He's a good man. In this case, I just think he's wrong. We're confident we can achieve the mission there. Jessica.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, I'm not sure I understand your position here. The election's over.

Senator Ask Aak: Look, I understand here in Coruscant, some people say it's over. I know that. They're just wrong in my opinion. The enemy still wants to strike us. The enemy still wants to achieve safe haven from which to plot and plan. And we must do everything we can to protect the Malastarian people, including questioning detainees, or listening to their phone calls from outside the country to inside the country.

Q: I'm sorry, Sir. Do you mean, listen to the Dugs' Holo calls?
Senator Ask Aak: Only if one party is outside the country. Our lawyers have vetted this. David.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, how do you plan to deal with the Malatarian Congress you'll be facing when your party vacates its majorities in the Upper and Lower next January? What issues and proposals will you put on the table?

Senator Ask Aak: I'm sorry, David, I just don't accept your premise. This notion of, you know, a fixed timetable of withdrawal—I can't accept that. That's defeat. Withdrawing on an artificial timetable means we lose. You can't leave until the job is done.

Q: Sir, it's in the Malstarian Constitution. You have to leave office if you're voted out.

Senator Ask Aak: (to an aide) Dick Daak, is that true?

Dick Daak, The Senator’s right hand man: We're working on it, Senator Ask Aak. There'll be some changes to that in the conference report with regard to the new Separatist surveillance provisions. But for now, yes.

Senator Ask Aak: Well, we'll get back to you on that, David. Listen, thank you all. See you on the campaign trail.

Many of the reporters just wandered away, looking confused.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

After Election Press Conference (part 1)

Once again I am assigned to The Senior Senator from Malastare. Senator Ask Aak is holding a press conference to discuses his parties’ political losses on Malastare

Senator Ask Ask

Senator Ask Aak: And now I'll be glad to answer some of your questions. Mike.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, about the Dugs' victory in last week’s elections—

Senator Ask Aak: Now, wait a minute, Mike. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I wouldn't be calling it a victory just yet.

Q: Well, sir, terminology aside, the Dugs have captured the lower House—

Senator Ask Aak: See, that's what I mean. Getting ahead of ourselves. As though the enemy has already won.

Q: The enemy, sir?

Senator Ask Aak: Well, not exactly the enemy. I just mean their sympathizers here at home. The enemy here. You know, the Dugs.

Q: Ah. OK. Well, to get back to the point, Sir, the Dugs did win the election—

Senator Ask Aak: Define "win."

Q: Well, they won the House. And if the returns hold true in Eastern Malastare and Pixelito —

Senator Ask Aak: See, that's what I'm talking about. Just because the enemy has been able to make some progress doesn't mean you cut and run. Quite the contrary; we ought to do everything we can to help prevent them from making progress. And that is what our strategy is. Elaine.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, the Faux News Network has called Pixelito for your opponents. You're down several thousand votes in Eastern Malastare. You're down, what, a dozen seats, at least, in the House. Why fight on? What do you hope to achieve?

Senator Ask Aak: This notion of cut and run, I just don't accept that, Elaine. Look, this is a conflict between a radical ideology that can't stand freedom, and moderate, reasonable people that hope to live in a peaceful society. I'm confident in our mission because I believe in the power of liberty. We have a plan for victory, and we will succeed. Jim.

Q: Sir, with all due respect, I'm confused. What exactly did you achieve in this election? Can you name a state where your party picked up seats in either the Upper or Lower House?

Senator Ask Aak: Look, this is a hard fight, no question about it. But I believe that the strategy we have is going to work. We're building a Gran majority that can sustain itself, govern itself, and defend itself. I have great faith in our commanders on the ground to give the best advice about how to achieve victory. We're giving them the confidence necessary to come and make the right recommendations here in Malastare. We'll give them the flexibility necessary to make the tactical changes to achieve victory. And so we've made changes, we'll continue to make changes. But we have the right strategy and the tactics necessary to achieve that goal. Terry.

(To Be Continued)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


A news Update from CGN (the Clone Gossip Network)

Alderaan - Pandme Spears is saying bye-bye to A-Fed.

The pop princess, Pandme Spears, filed for divorce Tuesday from her husband, former backup dancer and aspiring rapper from Tatooine, Anakin Federline.

The Alderaan Superior Court filing cited "irreconcilable differences and the boy can’t sing."

Spears, 28, married Federline, 20, two years ago in a quite (secrete) ceremony on the Moon of Deagobah. Spears is suspected of being pregnant with twins or she has just gone off her diet.

Spears' attorney, Nobail Organa, stated “Ms. Spears was tired of living with a no talent, whiny, momma’s boy.”

Her marriage provided endless fodder for tabloids, which speculated frequently that the union was in trouble.

afed and spears

Federline's attorney, JJ the Jawa, issued the following statement. “While Mr. A-Fed has been out making the Republic safe for white rapper everywhere, his wife has done nothing but mock his career. I have known this boy from his day back in the trailer parks of Tatooine. He is good people. All he wants from this separation, and it is Ms. Spears who is being the Separatist here, is fair compensation for his sacrifices in the marriage. Oh and he wants her to pay for a vacation to Mustafar”

When asked if he was even a real lawyer, JJ yell “look Pamala Glanderson” and ran away.

In an interview with The Associated Press two weeks ago, Federline had nothing but praise for Spears.

"Her influence on me has been really big," he said. "She's a strong woman and she knows what she wants out of life and that helps build a strong man. I look up to you, baby."

In the divorce papers, which do not mention a prenuptial agreement, Spears asks for custody of the couple's droids, with visitation rights for A-Fed.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

An Army of One??

We were on a training exercise with the Corellian Marines. The marines were on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone clone trooper standing at attention at the top of a hill.


The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.


As the marine approached the clone trooper sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.

Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the clone trooper stepped out and stood back at attention.


The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.

The clone trooper ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.

Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The clone trooper ran into the woods.

He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.

The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.

The clone trooper ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.

Finally a terribly beaten marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.

The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one clone trooper destroyed an entire battalion of marines"

The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

Thursday, September 21, 2006

He Has A Higher Power To Answer To...

I was stationed on an unnamed planet at a secret base. It was pretty well hidden from sight, but it had a landing pad that could be seen if someone flew over head. Normally this didn’t happen often and we world have time to camouflage the landing pad.

Well, late one afternoon, I am very surprised to see a small civilian transport ship landing at our "secret" base. Immediately a squad of clones impounded the transport and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he was headed Begas, a local pleasure city about 80 miles away, with a load of costumes for exotic dancers, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Base commander started a full intelligence background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fueled up his transport, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison on Hoth, told him Begas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to my total disbelief, the same transport showed up again. Once again, my squad surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Arrrrmy of (Cl)one

In honor of Intergalactic Talk Like A Pirate Day we have a few pirate jokes from everyone’s favorite space pirate: Hans Solo

hans 3



MR. SOLO *prods Hans with his blaster*

Hans: *mutters to himself* “Last time I let these imperials board my ship.” *glares at Tak. “and you’ll let me go after this?”

Tak: “Sure, just live up to your side of the deal.”

Hans: “Ok, OK. Hey folks here are some of my best pirate jokes for Talk Like A Pirate day.”

What’s a pirate’s favorite animal?
An Arrrrrvark!

What’s a pirate’s favorite sweaters?

What’s a pirate’s favorite country?

Why did the pirate ship look so good?
They used varrrrrrrnish!

What did the pirate want to be when he grew up?
An AARRRRrrrrrcheologist!

Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go?
Not very fARRRRR!

What kind of phone calls do pirates make late at night?
Arrr, they be makin' BOOTY calls!

Tak: I don’t get that one!

Hans: Didn’t think you would. Can I go now?

hans 2

Tak: Yes, and see you next year for Talk Like A Pirate Day!!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Yo Yo Yo Yoda

As many of you know Master Yoda had been called many things in his life: Master, Teacher, Jedi, hard to under-stand. All true but here is the tale of how he was called something else.


As you know Master Yoda does not wear shoe. Over his 900 year life that had caused him to build up a massively thick layer of calluses on his feet.

yoda feet

His powers as a Jedi allowed him to see the future and the past better than all the other mystical Force users of his day.

Also as a form of Jedi meditation He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet (snakes, lizards and swamp rats), he suffered from very bad breath.

All this is why some called him (and Jon, I am truly sorry for this) a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Have A Drink On Me

I am on Corellia doing courier service between two of the bases in the hinterlands. I am not sure why I have to shuffle papers back and forth across this expanse of waste land, but then that seem to be my life.

It is the middle of the night with no other vehicles so I am moving along at a fast pace. Out of no where I see another vehicle. We both try to swerve but still hit each other head on and both Vehicles go flying off in different directions.

I manage to climb out of the wreckage and survey the damage. I look at the twisted pile of metal and say,”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the guy, A Corellian Marine, scrambles out of his vehicle and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

I walk over to the Corellian Marine and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign of the Force that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Corellian Marine thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Corellian Marine pops open his trunk and find a full, unopened bottle of Dagabah Fire Brandy.

He says to me, "I think this is another sign from the Force that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

I reply, "You're damn right!" and I grab the bottle and starts sucking down Dagabah Fire Brandy. After putting away nearly half the bottle I hand it back to the Corellian Marine and says, "Your turn!"

The Corellian Marine twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the local constables to show up."

Dang It!!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Shoe Shopping

I was stationed on Tatooine for a short time. While there I decided I wanted to get a pair of genuine Krayt Dragon shoes in the worst way.

krayt dragon

The problem for me was the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, I just shouted shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own Krayt Dragon so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The salesman, a toydarian, said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Corellian Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."


So I headed into the Great Dune Sea that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing near the entrance of a cave. I thought, "those must be the two Corellian Marines the merchant in town was talking about.”

Just then, I saw a tremendously 12 foot long Krayt Dragon running rapidly out of the cave towards one of the Corellians.

Just as the Krayt Dragon was about to attack, the Corellians grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death after a while.

Then both Corellians Marines dragged to a flat spot and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Corellian Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Background On Skywalker

After much research at the request of the Jedi Temple, Clone Intelligence has found out more about how Anakin Skywalker and his mother, Shmi, fell into the hands of the notorious slaver, Gardulla the Hutt.


This is part of their story.

Back on Tatooine, as you may know, slavery is part of life. People went to slave markets to buy and sell slaves from all over the known worlds.
One particular slave market holder, a Jawa named Jawania, became well known for his special promotional contests - people would come from all over the Empire to win one of his slaves.


His most popular contest was a game where you had to try to throw a coin into a Tuskin Raider urn. If you've seen pictures, you'll know that these urns have very narrow necks, so the game was quite challenging, but if you succeeded, you would win a slave from the market, so the prizes were good.

One day, Gardulla the Hutt returned from the market with two slaves, Shmi and her son Anakin. Her husband immediately berated her for spending so much money to buy a slave, but she told him that she had won the contest, so it had only cost a single penny.


"After all," Gardulla the Hutt said "You've always told me that a penny urned is a penny slaved."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Smells Like Teen Spirt?

One of the great things about being a Clone Trooper is the missions. You get to go to exotic lands, meet great people and kill droids. Not to mention you get to blow crap up, which is fun no matter who you are. The down side is many of the people who lead the missions.

I have had to work with a wide variety of the Jedi Master during my service. One of the things I have discovered is each one has a distinctive smell. Weird, I know. It gets to the point where you can tell you will lead the mission when they enter in the back of the room just by the way the smell.

Here are some examples.

Mace Windu’s distinctive smell: Coco butter skin lotion and Lilacs.

Obi Wan Kenobi’s distinctive smell: Old Spice and stale beer.

Master Yoda’s distinctive smell: Gym towel left in locker over a hot weekend.

Anakin Skywalker’s Distinctive smell (after the start of the Clone Wars): Tag Body spray and 3-in-1 robotic arm oil

Anakin Skywalker’s Distinctive smell (Towards the end of the Clone Wars): Hair mousse and Obsession for Jedi cologne

Aayla Secura’s distinctive smell: Who cares, you get to hang out with Aayla

And one from the distance future:
Darth Vader’s Distinctive smell: English Leather and baked ham.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

What With Those X-Wing Pilots?

Due to the fact that a certain X-Wing pilot wanted to talk about clones, I will return the favor with a Q&A. Feel free to add you own.

Q. How do you know your date with the X-Wing pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my X-Wing?"

xwing 1

Q: How do you know if there is a X-wing r pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and X-Wing r pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's an X-Wing pilot.


Q: What's the difference between an X-Wing pilot and a X-Wing engine?
A: An X-Wing engine stops whining when the X-Wing shuts down.


Take that, Rebel scum :P

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tales of a Rainy Day

One time, when I was walking through Coco District, it began to rain. I went to put my hand up to block some of the rain. As I did, a glass eye fell into my hand. I looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young Twi’lek woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" I asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and I agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered me a drink. As she was very attractive I agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" I readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the Twi’lek said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

I hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Captured Enemy

We captured a group of separatist fighters recently.

Either the age of the rebels is getting much younger or the Ewoks have taken to shaving themselves.

shaved Ewoks

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Ask Aak and The Danger To The Republic

I have once again been assigned to cover a press conference with Senator Ask Aak. Oh what lucky clone am I. The good Senator announced the press conference as “A new plan to help save the Republic.

All the big news outlets were there: Coruscant News Network (CNN), Naboo Public Reporter (NPR), Alderaan Broadcasting Consortium (ABC) and of course FAUX New.


Senator Ask Aak begins “As you all know these are trying time for the Republic. We are witnessing great changes to the way of life we have always loved and enjoyed. But there are threats, assaulting us daily from all side. It is because of the threats to our basic ways of life that I am proposing radical legislation in the Republic Senate today.”

The reporters start in with their questions.

CNN reporter: “Are you going to propose that the Republic open negotiations with the Separatist”

ABC Reporter: “Is the Republic Senate finally got to get serious about it oversight of the Chancellor’s expanded powers?”

FAUX news reporter: “Are you declaring that Senator Cilliary Hinton is a danger to the republic and having her sent to the spice mines of Kessel?”

NPR reporter: “What?” as she stares at the FAUX News reporter.

Senator Ask Aak glares at the gathered reporters, “No, No and that’s not a bad idea. The threat to the Republic of which I speak is graver than that. I am talking about the fact that some world are thinking about letting ... Droids marry.” He gasps at his own words.

All the reporters look at each other and then at the Senator. The ABC reporter is the first to speak up, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

“Just as I thought,” roared Senator Ask Aak “you lot don’t even watch or read your own news. I have here an article for the New Coruscant Times stating that Corellian Robotics is going to, and I’ll use your own word, MARRY it technologies with Dosk Droid works. As you can clearly see, these groups are promoting Droid marriage, which I see as a great threat to the well-being of the Republic.”

The FAUX News reports shoots a question to Ask Aak, “Senator, I have just learned from a reliable source, that droid marriage is a great threat to the well-being of the Republic. Do you care to respond?” He then gives the Senator a sly thumbs up.

“See, we now have another confirmation of this terrible story.” Senator Ask Aak winks one of his eyes at the FAUX New reporter.

The NPR reporter speaks up, “Sir, don’t you think the article means that Corellian Robotics and Dosk Droids are just sharing their plans to build better droids?”

The Senator looks sad and shakes his head, “I am sure that is the Republic hating spin you will put on the story. Why do you hate the Republic so?”

The CNN Reporter starts, “Senator, don’t you think that this ….”

The Senator waves his hand and the Galactic Republic Anthem begins to play. Everyone stops and stand straight and tall.

As it anthem ends, the Senator quickly ask, “Anymore question,” a dozen hands go up “I guess not. I’ll see you all later.” Ask Aak rushes off the stage, leaving behind a confused news corp.

Epilogue: CNN, FAUX News and ABC all run stories on the perils of Droid marriage, while the NPR reporter runs a story on why she hate her job.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Five Most Dangerous Things I Have Heard As A Trooper

1. A Nabooan Enlisted personnel saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Jedi Knight saying, "Trust me, guys..."

3. A Republic Navel Ensign saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Clone Commando saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. Any Corellian Special forces personnel chuckling, "Watch this Sh**!..."

P.S. Very bitter about LGS. Grrrrrrr.

LGS: The End Of The Road

I have been voted off LSG, stop by and see my final entry.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Tagged About A Book

In One of the ultimate act of betrayal of a friend, I have been Meme’s by The Henchman

*Shake fist at the sky*

Why!!! Why!!! Why!!!!

Oh, wait this isn’t some freak of a Meme like Deadpool sends out. Never mind. I can do this one.

1. Grab the nearest book. (Yikes, “Networking for Dummies”)

2. Open the book to page 123. (Chapter called “Life After Set Up")

3. Find the fifth sentence (ok done)

4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

Depending on the operating system version you’ve installed, you may or may not need to apply a service pack immediately after installing the operating system.

The Windows Server 2003 Setup program automatically checks for updates before it installs the operating system, so you shouldn’t normally have to install a service pack after running Setup.

However, you may need to do so with other operating systems."

5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest. (I measured, my car owner’s manual, the Dictionary and several game manuals are 6 inches further away)

6. Tag three people (I think not, this Meme dies with me! Freedom *Meme pulls a knife and threatening waves it* On the other hand I think I’ll tag Nandehi, Dark Jedi Kriss, and Emma the Ewok)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

LIfe and Death Above Endor

Continues from here.

As we travel to Endor we receive orders to put on pressurized armor. This is in case we have to cut thought an airlock from the outside of the ship we are attacking.

I am almost finished suiting up and setting the helmets com link to my personal transponder when the Trooper next to me asks “Are you a Tech? Something is the matter with my helmet com link.”

“No, I am not a Tech, but let me look at it.” I take his helmet and start to look it over. Nothing wrong with I, but it smells funky.”

“Trooper, there is nothing wrong with …” I begin while starting to look aup at him. He is putting on my helmet.

“What are you doing? That's my hel…”

“That helmet stinks, now it is your Rookie.” He laughs and hits the pressure seal.

Great! Now I have a “
Jango Funk” helmet and our com links are screwed up. Well, that is just par for the course with this ill-conceived mission.

We get the signal that we are approaching the Endor system. Lt. Amrose voice comes over our com links. “OK troopers, Beta and Charley will attack on the ports side and attempt to enter in any entry point available. Alpha will follow Delta and keep us covered. I want 3 ARC on Delta and the rest to attack any forward batteries ….”

So my unit gets no cover? What a jerk!

The ship lurches slightly as we drop out of hyperspace. The pilots have done a great job and we are less then 10 Km from the ship.

“Oh my, that is a big ship.” Lt. Ambrose’s voice comes over the com link, tinged with fear.


The senior clone trooper speaks up “Sir, I think we need more ships.”

A false bravado creeps in to Lt. Ambrose’s voice “Never, we will attack as planned. All wings attack now!!!”

We gun it and go. The enemy ship starts to lay down a heavy barrage as we fly in at full throttle. As the Delta squad’s Gunboat approaches the enemy ship it is hit and destroyed. Good bye Lt. Ambrose.

The senior clone NCO’s voice come over the come link. “Defensive pattern Omega Delta One Five Nine” All the ARC-170 break off and sweep the ship near its fighter bay. At that moment, 40 fighters begin to emerge from the ship. Most are wiped out before going 1000 meters.

“Gun Boat Alpha and Charley, concentrate fire on the smaller batteries. Gunboat Beta, land at the stern of the ship, place explosives near any engine exhaust port. You have 10 minutes. The rescue is off, I repeat the resuce is off.” The clone NCO orders in an even voice.

Two ARC-170 are lost quickly. My unit lands and the clone in charge gives hand signals and everyone moves to their jobs. I take two clones and set up a short defense line. We are on the look out for any enemy that might pop out of deck holes. The other nine troopers begin placing explosives, while our Gunboat hovers above ready to give any covering fire we may need.

I send the troopers with me 10 meters left and right of me. The trooper to my right makes a hand signal towards his nose and my helmet. Oh good, Trooper “joker” is on my flank.

Once in position, we wait for the chance to fire at anything. One of the ARC-1670 begins a strafing run along the deck. I contact the crew.

“ARC 7, watch your fire. Friendlies are in the area.”

ARC 7 swings up and come in for another strafing run.

“ARC 7, what are you firing at? No hostile in this area, I repeat no hostiles in this area. Watch your f….”

ARC 7 hits Trooper “joker”. He is vaporized in an instance.

“ARC 7, friendly fire causality. What are you firing at? Repeat what are you firing at?”

As ARC 7 circle up again, it is hit by a heavy laser batter and spins into the bow of the ship.

Delta squad’s lead trooper informs us that the explosives are planted. The Gunship drops and 11 of us load up. We have lost 4 more Arc-170’s and Gunboat Alpha. We move at top speed to get away from the enemy ship. A few fighters try to follow us, but break off as their master ship begins to explode. Within minutes the ship has broken and two and is falling towards the moon.

“Back to base” come the order over the com link.

We are back to Coruscant. We hear news that the owner of Skycity, has made it back. How that happened, no one can figure out.

We are all being debriefed. One of the officers listing the KIAs, when I hear my designation. I speak up, tell the officer what happened. They are not happy. More paperwork for them now.

I am put on inactive duty, but not allowed to leave the base while it gets sorted out. Great, this could take weeks. How the heck am I going to help the Lt. Cmdr now?