Wednesday, May 31, 2006

LGS: An Eating Contest

An eating contest. This will be no problem. I have eaten just about every disgusting item in my home Galaxy: Grand Army of the Republic MREs, Dewback Dung Beetles, Kashyyyk Tree Slugs, Tauntaun Intestine Stew and once Anakin Skywaker even gave me left-overs of a meal that Senator Amidala had made.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Growing Up A Clone

Growing up on Kamino was a hard life. All of the clones had to have training and education for 12 hours a day. With 45 minutes for meals and 8 hours of sleep there was very little time to explore our environment.

The enclosures the clones lived in had glass wall so the Kaminoian could watch the clones at all times.

Once, while I had a little free time, I explored part of the Topica City where the Kaminoian lived. Their home were made of steel and had no windows.

I asked Taun WeWhy are you houses so different from where I live?”

That is easy to explained.” Taun We said soothingly, “Galactic law states: People in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.”

Friday, May 26, 2006

Tak's Caption Contest

Once again it is time for Tak’s caption contest. I’ll start.

The Clone troopers tried unsuccessfully to make Captain Typho feel comfortable around them.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


On a mission to Tatooine to help break up a Sand People rebellion, TD 199 and I got separated from the other troopers.

We ended up being lost for days without food and were getting weaker by the day.

As we stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, we suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.

As we get closer, we could see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"

"Look, TD 199," I say. "It's a bacon tree!"

"You're right!" says TD 199, "We're saved!"

TD 199 didn’t wait another second. He ran up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of Tusken Raider’s gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

I quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying TD 199. "TD 199!! What in the name of the Force happened?"

And with his dying breath TD 199 calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."

"...its a ham bush!"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

LGS: Hover Bike Race


This should be easy, these Hover Bike look a lot like a B.A.R.C speeder. I run and leap onto the bike in one smooth motion. OUFFFFFF! Seats are a little harder that what I’m used to. It Ok. I’m sure they'll drop back down.

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Monday, May 22, 2006

Tea Hunt

I had an easy mission with General Kenobi. We were to go to Dantooine on a diplomatic mission. The mission it self was easy. The hard part was keeping up with Kenobi and his fascination with trying different teas. He had picked up this habit from Qui-Gon, who had learned it from his Master, Count Dooku.

We were told there was a man, who lived in the remote town of Mercy in on Dantooine who was considered by all to be one of the system’s foremost authority on tea. This man also was reported to have developed the most fantastic tasting tea anywhere in the galaxy.

Kenobi scoffed at the idea, thinking that no tea came out of the remote provinces, because there was no way to grow it in such a dry region. We were informed that the tea was not grown but was brewed from the fur of a creature called a Kolo.

We hired a guide to take us deep into the remote region of Dantooine. Once in the town, we found the only cantina, and ordered a cup of the mysterious beverage.

The cup was placed before him. General Kenobi spent many moments noting the color, the aroma, and the viscosity. He took a small sip. It was good! He then followed with a big mouthful, and was suddenly gagging and spitting, clutching at his mouth.

"What is this?" he exclaimed, holding up a handful of what appeared to be short, coarse threads.

"Oh, that's Kolo fur," replied the bartender.

"You mean to tell me that you don't strain out the fur?" asked Kenobi, incredulous.

"Of course not," replied the bartender, "The Kolo tea of Mercy is never strained!"

Friday, May 19, 2006

Maintenance Bay

I had to take one of the squad’s vehicles over the maintenance bay to have it worked.

After explaining the problem to the maintenance droids, I decided to hang out and look around. Since I don’t have strong repair skills, I begin to review tech schematics for the various different vehicles.

The maintenance bay Com link buzzes and I answer with out thinking. “Hello, can I help you.”

The voice on the other end says haughty. “I need to see if my speeder is ready for pick up.”

Uhhh…Which one is yours?” I stammer as I look around the bay.

"It’s not a hard question, you moron. Is it ready or not? It’s the light blue T-75 speeder”

Hey, that sound like the same type that blow-hard wind-bag Senator Aak Ask drives” I say off the top of my head.

There is silence on the other end then the now angry voice says, "Do you know who this is?"


The voice said, "This is Senator Aak Ask!"

Dead silence for about 5 seconds.

I then asked, "Do you know who this is?"

Senator Aak Ask replies, "No."

I smile, "Well then, goodbye you blow-hard wind-bag!!" and I hang up.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

New Mission

I hate doing off the book missions. This is so far off the reservation I don’t know what will happen if I get caught. Court marshaled? Killed? Disowned by friends? It worries me greatly, but I am sure this is something I have to do. And I have to make sure no one can trace this operation.

I head to the laundry, pick up some of the civilian clothing we are allowed to wear when we leave base. No one see me. That is good.

I next head over to the com stations. I use a modified clone ID. It’s from a trooper who was killed on Geonosis, but no KIA report was ever filed. Even then I knew an item like this would be useful, even if I had no idea for what. I have been slicing into the system to keep “moving” this clone around from base to base. I insert the generic credit chip and transfer funds. This should help.

I duck into an unused room, change into the civvies and head off base. TK266 is safely in the infirmary (according to records and med bots) and G524 is heading out into greater Coruscant for a little R&R.

Once in the CoCo district, I find an out of the way, but busy, cantina. I make my way to the bathroom. Once it is clear, I jump in a stall and begin to apply a disguise. I lighten my hair, darken my skin, put in the colored contacts, and place small cloth rolls in my cheeks to change my face line. I no longer look quite so clonish.

I head back out to the cantina, find a Duro who trades me real credits for my credits chip, minus 30%.

As evening falls I have collected all I need for the riskiest part of the mission. I make my way towards the Jedi archives. A few blocks away I duck in an alley and put on my final disguise of the evening.

I head into the Jedi Archives. No one pays any mind to one Jedi in the midst of hundreds. I begin to play Sabacc in my head and run the names of all the Jedi I know. This clears my mind and will prevent the Jedi from sensing me. Not that most of them could in this sea of force users.
I make my way a com station. I slice into the system the way the Lt. Cmdr. has taught me. When I am done there will be no trace I was here. I relay three counterfeit messages, bouncing them through several other com systems on Coruscant. If anyone can trace the messages back, all they will find is a cold lead. I continue keeping my mind clear and head back in the city

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Armor issues

OK, some of the ARC troopers have gone too far in customizing their armor.

Not only is it beginning to harm unit discipline, the costs are getting out of hand.

ARC Trooper1465 is seen here begging for credits to upgrade his armor further.

It is a sad day for the GAR.

Monday, May 15, 2006

LGS: First Contest

“So you have programmed the droid with the style I requested?”

Jon looked at me “You mean the Robot…Yes, and I will say again it is a stupid request. I mean come on are you seriously going to do it this way!”

“If you don’t like it, don’t let me do it this way. But I will remind you that it is your lax rules that have given me this option.”

“What are you a lawyer or something, geesh. Yeah you can go through with your very stupid plan.” Jon growled as he went away mutter something under his breath about needing better contestants.

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Dumb Celebration

Ok so we got a little carried away with our bar bet winnings.

Just a word to the wise, never tell the local security forces to “Reach for the sky and kiss my armored cover @$$” when they ask to see you ID for supposedly being drunk in public.

And Lt. Cmdr, Thank you for posting bail. I’ll have your credits to you in a few hours.

Friday, May 12, 2006

LGS: A Few Minor Concerns

Ok the first couple day here have been nice. But I have a few problems I would like to address. ... Click here to read more

Bar Bets

We’re off duty when E775 and I walk in to the Cantina and begins chatting to a couple of Duros. E775 then begins to slowly move his way around the bar making small talk with the scum and villainy occupying the joint.

I walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it I ask, "You wouldn't happen to be a betting man would you?"

To this the bartender asks what I had in mind.

“A game of accuracy and skill, my good barkeep” I respond

The Bartender arches his eye.

“I'll bet you 500 Credits that if you set up a shot glass at one end of the bar, I can go to the other end and pee into the shot glass and not spill a drop."

The bartender, after inspecting his 20 feet of bar, agrees to bet, sure that it cannot be done. He retrieves his smallest shot glass and places it at one end of the bar. I go to the other end, hop up on the bar, and proceed to urinate all over the bar, even hitting the bartender by accident.

"Ha! I win! I give me my 500 credits!" exclaimed the bartender.

"You win, here's your 500 credits," I say with a smile.

As I leaves the credits on the bar and walk away laughing wildly.

The bartender confused ask me “How can you be so happy after losing 500 credit. Why are you still laughing?"

"Because," I say, "I bet everybody in here 1000 credits each that I could pee all over you and your bar and you would let me!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

More Q & A With Tak

A guess I opened a can of scalacc with opening up the floor for questions. I will answers another batch. Then like a Senatorial Press Person, I will have to take no more questions for the week.

Captian Berk had a threefer:
1: Does everybody share the same body armour, or do you have your serial number sewn in the back so that you know which is yours?
2: Is it strange looking at yourself every day without needing a mirror?
3: Does one of you try out a hairstyle, then all of you follow if it looks good?

1: What is this thing called “armour”? Is it a cross between defensive plating and romantic love? I am un sure of the question.
2: Not really, you get used to it after 10 years of living with 200,000 of yourselves.
3: Yes, mostly. But we tend to avoid the hair styles of Batch Three. The Rasta Clone look was just weird.

Randy Asked:

Did any of you get to meet Jango Fett before he died?

A few of us saw him around Kamino, but he was not very talkative with us. And when he did he always wanted to give advise on cooking. Strange.

Captian Typho wanted to know:

About Jardena and her CO -- should I be concerned?

*cough…sputter, sputter…cough* I have no idea what your talking about. Is her old CO coming around again? *begins to turn a little red, then deep breathing* I mean, Who?

Darkjedikriss inquired:

Boxers or Briefs?


Master Yoda asked:

No pockets your armor has. Keep your pocket lint, where do you?

In our bellybuttons, of course.

Fluke wanted to know:

Do you have a belly button?

See Master Yoda question. And before you ask why we have a bellybutton, I would say well you have nipples.

Jon, the Intergalatic Gladiator was curious about:

Septentor's a clone. Could you take Serpentor in a fight?

If he’s that little C.O.B.R.A punk, then yeah I could kick his @ss into a Barbie commercial.

Son Goku asked:

What would happen If I poured Ketchup into a tank where a Clone is developing ( man this is slow Ketchup.)


Gyrobo asked:

Can gravity be cloned?

OK, now you’re just asking silly questions

HMS asked:

Did you know ARC trooper A-98 (or, Nate)? He's the one who got Jango's ex-girlfriend pregnant.

Not that I know of. Wouldn’t Boba gotten a little miffed about that, cuz it’s kinda creepy.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Q & A with TAK

A couple of questions about clones and me have come up recently. I will do my best to answers some of them.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator asked: So reflashing clone brains is just like reflashing the ROM on a chip or something?
Yes, if you have the right equipment you can re-program a clone. Most of the time it re-writes. Some later clones where “hard wired”, like a Mac, and could not be changes at all. And a very few can be given new “programming” with out the danger of re-writing other memories. Just never use Micro-Sith OS version 66.

Local Henchman 432 stated:

Know that if you have any problems with how the Empire is treating you. The Local 432 is there for you.
Thanks for the info, but I think we are a non-union shop.

Happy Masked Saleswomen mentioned:
I mean, we know it can never be...
What could never be? We were just sparing.

Hot stuff asked:
So Lt Cmd is a home-made? I was always told it was the bees and birds that did it ... Hmmm so then what made a clone?
The Kamino stork flew us into the lab and dropped us in clone tanks (by the billions)

J. Solo asked:
So did the Lt. Cmdr give you the name Tak?
Yes. She has the habit of giving personalize names to the troopers she works with. I am afraid it will lead to problems if something happens to one of us. Also I am not sure on why E775 is called Sev.

Thank you for joining me for a quick Q&A. If you have any further questions ask away.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

AOC: LGS Arrivial

I am reporting for duty on Last Gladiator Standing.

I not a fancy guy with super power or some great hero. I just a simple clone doing a honest days work.I came on this show to prove that sometime against all odd the little guy (please, no “aren’t you short for a stormtrooper” jokes) can complete and yes, sometime win.
I just want to support and promote peace and justice throughout the Republic and the best way I can do that is by kicking all ya all @ssess over the next several months.

And I am not telling any one what I packed. *hides lil clone rubber ducky*

Oh, can some one send a clone some rules or something. Some of don’t have cable for the Holonet and have never seen a LGS show before.And am I officially on the show? I just talked a lot of smack if I’m not :-).

Friday, May 05, 2006

Mandalorian Style

We had just finished off some joint training maneuvers with the Corellian Special Forces Marines on Tralus in the Corellian system. These thing are more for PR than any real military need. We show up, do several days of training, have a war game with the local and lose to make their Politians feel better.

E775, WK 315. FH 451 and I end up at a local cantina to have a few drinks before we ship out. Just our luck a group of CSF Marines show up. It does not take them long to start in.

“So you guy are some of the famed GAR clones? Funny I though you be taller.”

WK 315 replies “That is a common perception, but I don’t know why.”

“I wasn’t talking to you, solider-in-a-bottle!” growls on Marine

“Yeah’, another one starts in “If I wanted an answer from you I would have written your test tube.”

They all laugh heartily as if the joke was actually funny.

“Ha Ha, that was a good one guys.” I say “Now, if you don’t mind we like to go back to our drinks.” I turn back to our table.

E775 eyes flash a warning to me. I spin in my seat the 7 Marines advancing on us slow down and spread out.

“Well, we do mind!. We don’t like your kind in our places and I think you will be leaving this place…on a Med cart.” The biggest of them barks at us.

“Whoa, Slow big guy. I am sure we can come up with a better way to deal with this problem.”

“How so?” the big guy ask

“I suppose we'll have to settle this Mandalorian -style," I say gravely.

"Mandalorian style?"

"Yes. First I kick you in the nuts, and then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep taking turns until someone gives."

The big Marine looks at his friends, who are egging him on at this point. Seeing he can’t back down and reluctantly agrees.

I take a step back and kicks him square in the balls as hard as I can.

The Marine crumples to the ground, reeling. Minutes pass, and finally he can muster the strength to stand. "Okay," croaks the Marine, "my turn."

"Nah, you can have the cantina to yourselves, we’ll leave."

Works everytime!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Missions and Memories, Final

My comlink blares in my ear. It’s E775 “Call the drop ship Tak and get ready. Were coming out hot!”

I call to the dropship, a
Republic Assault Gunboat “This is Mynock 1 calling RAG 7, come in RAG 7”

A voice floats back “Hearing you loud and clear Dancing Mynock. We are on our way to the pick up zone.” Dancing Mynock?!?! I am going to kick the heck out of WK 315 when we get back to base.

I quickly scan the arc of the horizon. Nothing…Wait I see something coming over the plains. It three STAPs and their battle droids moving in fast.

I aim for the head of the middle one, but then drop my aim about 8 cm left of the center of the chest. I shoot and the battle droid explodes, taking out the other 2 with his explosion. I must have hit the motivator.

“How in the heck…?” I think to my self

Then at the cave entrance I see WK 315, W775, FH 451 and the Lt. Cmdr moving like a Rancor was in pursuit. 20 meters outside cave all four turn and drop on the ground. The first 3 Super battle droids are meet will a hail of blaster fire; the next 4 are hit by me. Each of my shots seems to find a weak point on the droids.

Combined we drop about 19 of them. More are pouring out of the cave, including 3 Droideka with shielding.

I slap in the ion round and fire away. One goes down after 4 shots. Before I can get a line on the next a ships blasts over head, begins firing at the droids and comes to a stop a meter from the Lt. Cmdr’s team.

The ship and I provide cover fire. The ship turns and flies towards me, firing at the remaining droids.

I scramble aboard, moving as fast as my stiff legs can carry me. WK 315 and FH 451 grab my hands and pull me aboard. I lie on the deck panting.

We rocket toward space. Whatever happens now it, it’s up to the pilots.

The Lt. Cmdr yells at me over the whine of the engines “Damm Tak, I thought you were going to be a D.I.P. (die in place) unit for a moment there.”

I glance up at the team with a smile, “What happened to going in silent and keeping it that way”

A cacophony of voice breaks out. Best I can tell from the next five minutes of good natured shouting, finger pointing and blame laying is that FH 451 fire his weapon by accident shortly after the Lt. Cmdr had hacked the system and covered her tracks.

They spent the better part to of the last fourteen hours either hiding out or in running gun battles with droid units. I am reminded often that I had the easy job and must have enjoyed my nap time. I let them give me a hard time, because I am pleased they all survived. (Not that I let them know that.)

“So I see up upgrade worked on you” the Lt. Cmdr say. “I loaded the most recent schematic on as many different battle droids as I could find. Not bad if I do say so myself.” I think that may be the smuggest smile I have seen in quite a while.

“So that is why you wanted me as sniper?” I ask. I don’t like the phrase upgrade, make me sound like a droid.

“Yeah, that and I was tired of looking at your mug’ she says with a laugh

WK 315 pipes up, “But we all look the same, how could you…Oh, that was another of your jokes…right, it was joke.”

We all just sit back and enjoying being alive.


We are back on the star cruiser heading to Coruscant. We should be back to base in 18 hours. It’s about 0200 and I am in the officer’s rec room. No one is here right now, which is a blessing.

I am franticly painting a picture. It is almost done and it is not bad. I recognize the style as Nabooian and know who is to blame for my new found “talent”.

“Oh no Tak, I won’t doing any thing like the dancing thing again...Of course Tak, it’s only something to help you in battle.”

Oh well, payback will be fun.

I finish up with the painting. It’s really is good. The likeness is well done, with just enough of my own views and feelings of the subject coming through. Dang, I am sounding like an Alderaan artist.

I smile to myself at the humor in this and think of some fun revenge tricks. If the other troopers ever see me painting, I will not live it down. Well at least it’s not knitting.

I take the painting to the nearest incinerator and drop it in. Shame, because it is quite good.

I have the feeling I will be having a few more late nights like this.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Missions and Memories pt.3

31 hours.

I am getting loopy with all this waiting. I check the passive scanner. Excepts for a few native animals, nothing is in the area,. No droid energy readings and no people. And if one more bug crawls up my pant leg, I am going to lose my freaking mind. To keep alert I am forcing my self to review all officers’ names and serial number on base. Re-create a mental picture of them and their departments.

Dang, am I bored!


Two weeks earlier.

“Tak, will you come to my office. Bring Wil and Sev also”

I nod to the Lt. Cmdr, go locate WK 315 and E775 then head back to the office/storage space that is acting as the Lt. Cmdr office. There are computers, computer parts, listening equipment and technical readouts all over the place.

I know something is up. She is fiddling with that belt data pad of hers, what does she call it…apod, iepod or some Nabooian word that doesn’t make sense. I know the sensor and cameras in the room are now on some pre-recorded loop.

The Lt. Cmdr look at us. “You know without your armor, I really can’t tell you guys apart.” She smiles jokingly.

WK 315 falls for the bait, again. “Al’verda (commander), Sev has that small scar near his eye, and my hair is a lot…”

The Lt. Cmdr start laughing softly, “Yes, I know Wil. I am joking with you again. I need to give you a memory flash to improve your humor.”

WK 315 glances at E775 and then me a little nervously. “I thought you said you weren’t going to do that any more. You’re going to get in trouble and I don’t want that to happen!”

WK 315 was referring to the fact that the LT. Cmdr had spent a fair amount of time studying the neuro blueprints of the clones and discovered that certain of us could be ‘re-flashed”.

Now after a lot of work she had made a memory flash visor that hooked into that tricked out data pad of hers. I am pretty sure it’s not regulation and if she wasn’t one of the best Com Slicers in the GAR, she would have been downgraded in rank a long time ago.

“I am not going to get in trouble, because no one know except you three”

We all look at each other.

“I’m not going to have to make that an order am I.” Again that playful smile

“No, ma’am” I respond

The Lt. Cmdr gives her eyes a small roll. “Tak, you know how I feel about the M word. And I’ve told you don’t have to call me Lt. Cmdr either. You can call me Oneida if you want. Both Wil and Sev do.”

“Yes, ma… Lt. Cmdr, I know that. Thank you” I try not to blush. How can we be such masterful fighters, but be spooked by her this much. It so strange.

“Tak, I want to try this on you again” As the Lt. Cmdr hold up the flash visor, I fidget just a bit. She quickly adds, “If you don’t want to I understand. It was a little mean what I did last time. But now you can ballroom dance in the Naboo style so brilliantly. I hadn’t danced like that since my time as a Handmaiden.”

At this reminder I winced. I am sure the dancing practice was more than just for testing her new research project. I thinks the Lt. Cmdr was brushing up for a fellow Nabooian.

I look at the Lt. Cmdr. “It’s not knitting or painting or anything like that, is it?” I ask tentatively

“No, It isn’t Tak.” She laughs that easy laugh again, “I am pretty sure it will help in battle, but I don’t want to tell you what it is incase it doesn’t take, OK”

I hesitate, “Why us, Lt. Cmdr? Why not some of the other troopers you work with?”

“Why, you afraid Tak?” She looks right at me, almost through me. “No, not you Tak. You would never admit you were afraid in front of me, would you.”

I try not to flinch or blush. E775 and WK 315 laugh lightly.

The Lt. Cmdr breaks her gaze and begins talking again “In examining the neuro paths of many troopers I found that there are small anomalies in about 3 out of every 100,000. And the weird thing is with the Batch 2s, like you Tak, it was a little more common. I am pretty sure that those clones with the anomalies can be “re-flashed” with new information with out writing over the old stuff, so to speak. When I did the dancing experiment on you three, it only took compleatly with you.”

I look at the Lt. Cmdr and can see she means no harm and isn’t lying. At least I don’t think she’s lying.

WK 315 smiled. “Glad it not me. All that dancing made Tak look ridiculous” Did he just giggle?

The Lt. Cmdr flashed a look at WK 315, which quiets him “At least he didn’t step on my toes in his attempt as dancing.”

I try to change the subject from dancing “I help out with your research with the…what are you calling that thing?”

“I don’t know, mobile flash unit…visor flasher…Tak Brain Wiper 2000” that smile again

“Ok, lets do get this done before Mess call” I smile back


I remember the rush of incoherent information that had shot into my brain. My head began to ache a little at the memory. I feel bad because it didn’t seem to do anything. Nothing new in my head as far as I could tell, but then again I did not know I could dance until the music started.

My comlink blares in my ear.