Thursday, September 28, 2006

An Army of One??

We were on a training exercise with the Corellian Marines. The marines were on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone clone trooper standing at attention at the top of a hill.


The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.


As the marine approached the clone trooper sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.

Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the clone trooper stepped out and stood back at attention.


The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.

The clone trooper ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.

Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The clone trooper ran into the woods.

He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.

The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.

The clone trooper ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.

Finally a terribly beaten marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.

The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one clone trooper destroyed an entire battalion of marines"

The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

Thursday, September 21, 2006

He Has A Higher Power To Answer To...

I was stationed on an unnamed planet at a secret base. It was pretty well hidden from sight, but it had a landing pad that could be seen if someone flew over head. Normally this didn’t happen often and we world have time to camouflage the landing pad.

Well, late one afternoon, I am very surprised to see a small civilian transport ship landing at our "secret" base. Immediately a squad of clones impounded the transport and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he was headed Begas, a local pleasure city about 80 miles away, with a load of costumes for exotic dancers, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Base commander started a full intelligence background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fueled up his transport, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison on Hoth, told him Begas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to my total disbelief, the same transport showed up again. Once again, my squad surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Arrrrmy of (Cl)one

In honor of Intergalactic Talk Like A Pirate Day we have a few pirate jokes from everyone’s favorite space pirate: Hans Solo

hans 3



MR. SOLO *prods Hans with his blaster*

Hans: *mutters to himself* “Last time I let these imperials board my ship.” *glares at Tak. “and you’ll let me go after this?”

Tak: “Sure, just live up to your side of the deal.”

Hans: “Ok, OK. Hey folks here are some of my best pirate jokes for Talk Like A Pirate day.”

What’s a pirate’s favorite animal?
An Arrrrrvark!

What’s a pirate’s favorite sweaters?

What’s a pirate’s favorite country?

Why did the pirate ship look so good?
They used varrrrrrrnish!

What did the pirate want to be when he grew up?
An AARRRRrrrrrcheologist!

Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go?
Not very fARRRRR!

What kind of phone calls do pirates make late at night?
Arrr, they be makin' BOOTY calls!

Tak: I don’t get that one!

Hans: Didn’t think you would. Can I go now?

hans 2

Tak: Yes, and see you next year for Talk Like A Pirate Day!!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Yo Yo Yo Yoda

As many of you know Master Yoda had been called many things in his life: Master, Teacher, Jedi, hard to under-stand. All true but here is the tale of how he was called something else.


As you know Master Yoda does not wear shoe. Over his 900 year life that had caused him to build up a massively thick layer of calluses on his feet.

yoda feet

His powers as a Jedi allowed him to see the future and the past better than all the other mystical Force users of his day.

Also as a form of Jedi meditation He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet (snakes, lizards and swamp rats), he suffered from very bad breath.

All this is why some called him (and Jon, I am truly sorry for this) a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Have A Drink On Me

I am on Corellia doing courier service between two of the bases in the hinterlands. I am not sure why I have to shuffle papers back and forth across this expanse of waste land, but then that seem to be my life.

It is the middle of the night with no other vehicles so I am moving along at a fast pace. Out of no where I see another vehicle. We both try to swerve but still hit each other head on and both Vehicles go flying off in different directions.

I manage to climb out of the wreckage and survey the damage. I look at the twisted pile of metal and say,”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the guy, A Corellian Marine, scrambles out of his vehicle and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

I walk over to the Corellian Marine and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign of the Force that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Corellian Marine thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Corellian Marine pops open his trunk and find a full, unopened bottle of Dagabah Fire Brandy.

He says to me, "I think this is another sign from the Force that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

I reply, "You're damn right!" and I grab the bottle and starts sucking down Dagabah Fire Brandy. After putting away nearly half the bottle I hand it back to the Corellian Marine and says, "Your turn!"

The Corellian Marine twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the local constables to show up."

Dang It!!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Shoe Shopping

I was stationed on Tatooine for a short time. While there I decided I wanted to get a pair of genuine Krayt Dragon shoes in the worst way.

krayt dragon

The problem for me was the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, I just shouted shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own Krayt Dragon so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The salesman, a toydarian, said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Corellian Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."


So I headed into the Great Dune Sea that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing near the entrance of a cave. I thought, "those must be the two Corellian Marines the merchant in town was talking about.”

Just then, I saw a tremendously 12 foot long Krayt Dragon running rapidly out of the cave towards one of the Corellians.

Just as the Krayt Dragon was about to attack, the Corellians grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death after a while.

Then both Corellians Marines dragged to a flat spot and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Corellian Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Background On Skywalker

After much research at the request of the Jedi Temple, Clone Intelligence has found out more about how Anakin Skywalker and his mother, Shmi, fell into the hands of the notorious slaver, Gardulla the Hutt.


This is part of their story.

Back on Tatooine, as you may know, slavery is part of life. People went to slave markets to buy and sell slaves from all over the known worlds.
One particular slave market holder, a Jawa named Jawania, became well known for his special promotional contests - people would come from all over the Empire to win one of his slaves.


His most popular contest was a game where you had to try to throw a coin into a Tuskin Raider urn. If you've seen pictures, you'll know that these urns have very narrow necks, so the game was quite challenging, but if you succeeded, you would win a slave from the market, so the prizes were good.

One day, Gardulla the Hutt returned from the market with two slaves, Shmi and her son Anakin. Her husband immediately berated her for spending so much money to buy a slave, but she told him that she had won the contest, so it had only cost a single penny.


"After all," Gardulla the Hutt said "You've always told me that a penny urned is a penny slaved."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Smells Like Teen Spirt?

One of the great things about being a Clone Trooper is the missions. You get to go to exotic lands, meet great people and kill droids. Not to mention you get to blow crap up, which is fun no matter who you are. The down side is many of the people who lead the missions.

I have had to work with a wide variety of the Jedi Master during my service. One of the things I have discovered is each one has a distinctive smell. Weird, I know. It gets to the point where you can tell you will lead the mission when they enter in the back of the room just by the way the smell.

Here are some examples.

Mace Windu’s distinctive smell: Coco butter skin lotion and Lilacs.

Obi Wan Kenobi’s distinctive smell: Old Spice and stale beer.

Master Yoda’s distinctive smell: Gym towel left in locker over a hot weekend.

Anakin Skywalker’s Distinctive smell (after the start of the Clone Wars): Tag Body spray and 3-in-1 robotic arm oil

Anakin Skywalker’s Distinctive smell (Towards the end of the Clone Wars): Hair mousse and Obsession for Jedi cologne

Aayla Secura’s distinctive smell: Who cares, you get to hang out with Aayla

And one from the distance future:
Darth Vader’s Distinctive smell: English Leather and baked ham.