Thursday, August 30, 2007

Not that there is anything wrong with that ...

Once again I am performing guard duty at press conference, but not for Senator Ask Aak. Thank goodness for small favor! Apparently the ambassador from Naboo, Sio Bibble, is speaking about some kind of recent problem. I am hoping it is something cool like a new trade war on Naboo.


Sio Bibble: I am glad you have all come here today so we can clear up some misconceptions about recent events …..

Coming Clean?

Reporter 1: You mean about you getting arrested and fined for hanging out in Men’s rooms at the Coruscant Space terminal?

Reporter 2: Yeah, because that is what we want to talk about! Is it true that you were attempting something torrid with the attending service droid?

Sio Bibble (turning a red): That is untrue! It just when drying my hands I happen to have a wide stance. I may have bumped the service droid with my foot.

service droid
Funny, he doesn’t look Dray

Reporter 1: But the report I read said you weren’t wearing any pants. What do you have to day about that?

Sio Bibble: Oh that. Well, when I bumped the service droid, it spilled soap all over my robes and I took them off to clean them in the sink. Simple enough. But back to my main point, I did nothing wrong.

Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you are Dray?

Sio Bibble (looking furtive): I am afraid I don’t know what Dray means. I am just a simple Ambassador from a small system. I don’t know the strange ways and words of Coruscant.

Reporter 3: Dray is someone who has an unnatural attraction to droids. And I find it hard to beleive that you don’t know what Dray means. You spend a lot of time, as Ambassador, traveling to various worlds. In fact you have travled to Coruscant at least 48 time in the last several years, with almost every visit coinciding with a with a visit to Droid factories.

Sio Bibble: Well….. ummmm….. errrr… I can explain that …..

Reporter 1: And what about this news report from 25 years ago, linking you to a Spice and Dray ring in the Naboo Senate.

OK, he looks a little Dray

Sio Bibble: Hey, No fair! No charges were ever brought. I was cleared of everything. The droids involved had their memories wiped …. I mean I never did anything wrong.

Reporter 2: What about reports that you have caught asking droids, and I quote, “Hey goldenrod, do you need a good polishing?”

Sio Bibble: Oh so now I am on trial for wanted to make sure droids are clean? Let me just say without any reservation that I am not Dray! I have never been Dray. I have been opposed to the Dray movement and will not speak any further on the subject!!!

Bibble storms off the stage as the reporter’s high-five each other over their good luck on a slow news day.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I am not the Paparizzi

Recently I heard a rumor that after Death or rejoining the force or whatever you want to call it, some powerful Jedi can materialize. It apparently is a way for them to pass their wisdom on to other, even after death.

I had a little bit of leave coming to me and decided to act as a “ghost” hunter. I would find places strong with the force and snap a few photos.

I found a place deep on a forest moon and was able to find not one, but three ethereal Jedi. Not only were they ok with me trying to take their picture, but they even posed for me. I took 4 pictures before they disappeared. The jungle was dark and I hoped my flash bulbs worked well.

Back home, I swung by the Jedi Temple to use their dark room and show the Jedi what I had done. General Kenobi and Master Skywalker were with me when I developed the photos.

jedi ghost 1

jedi ghost 3

jedi ghost 2

jedi ghost 4

I looked at the two Jedi “but honest, I had pictures of ghost Jedi, they even posed for me!”

General Kenobi patted me on the shoulder to comfort me and said “It looked like the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."


Novy, (LINK) tagged me for this Meme....And the first thing you have to do is post the rules of it before you do anything else...So, here they are:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

I don’t have a middle name, so I will go with TAK (short for TK 266)

T: Talkative. I am the chattiest clone you will ever meet. I am know as the chatty clone, the talkative trooper, the gossiping gunner, the communicative clone, the multiloquent military man, the gregarious guard …. You get the point.

A: Amusing. Some people find me and my writing amusing.

K: Killer. I have been know to mangle, murder and otherwise do damage to the English language. Some of my misspelling have been so horrendous, that English major have been know to fling themselves of high building in the hopes of crushing me with their bodies and stop me be for I kill some poor word.

I tag:


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lives Hang In The Balance Sheet.

I stopped by my favorite Cantina on Tattoine, when I noticed JJ the Jawa sitting alone and drinking.


I approached him and notice he looked down. "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My Uncle died three months ago," JJ said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," I replied.

"Then two months ago," JJ continued, "My grandfather died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two male relatives gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." I said, in commiseration.

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." JJ continued

"Three close family members lost in three months? I can see why you are sad." I replied

"Then this month," continued JJ, "absolutely nothing! So I am drinking to mourn the loss of income"


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pithy or Pissy?

Another Trooper and I were on a "hearts and minds" patrol on a planet in the Outer Rim. It was a peaceful mission, just to show the flag and show that the Republic cared about the Rim Scum.

We were surprised how much the local had worked to make the Grand Army of the Republic feel at home. They had even set up special restrooms for us, which is great.

Trooper bathroom
Is it for Troopers only?

We were in the midst of using one of the facilities, when a Republic Naval officer came into the restroom. He stared at us for a moment and then barked, “ Trooper it is customary to salute a superior when they enter a room?”

We both turned and gave the WTF stare.

stormtroopers restroom
Thank Goodness he cannot see our faces.

We finish our business, give a sharp salute and went to leave the restroom.

Trooper, In the Republic Navy we are taught to wash our hand after using the bathroom!” he said with a sneer.

Yes, I know sir, but in the Grand Army of the Republic we were trained not to piss on our hands.” I replied with a nod as we walked out.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Of Farm Girls and Broken Hearts

I was having a drink in a local cantina frequented by Clone Troopers, when I spotted DL 156. I heard he had just returned from a mission on Dantooine, a farming world.

As he came over to have a drink with me, I noticed he looked a little down.

“What the matter? Why the hangdog look?” I asked

“I met a farm girl on Dantooine.” DL 156 replied, and then sighed.

“That sounds like good news. Did she not like you or spurn your advanced?” I inquired

“Not at all. She seemed great. We would go on long walks and just talk. Every spare minute I had in the last two months I spent with her. We were even talking of marriage after my tour was up.” DL 156 told me.

“Uh, you know our tours are never up? We were made for this job. But never mind all that, what happened to make you look so forlorn?”

“Well” DL 156 started, “On my way back to Coruscant, she sent me a holo message. She said our time together was great, but she was going to marry the local Tractor salesman. He would be able to give here a better life, she said.”

DL 156 shoulders slumped as he handed me the data pad.

I looked incredulously at DL 156 and said “So what you are telling me is you are sad because you got a John Deere letter?”

I Guess He Had More Pull

Friday, August 10, 2007

New Regulations and more of why I hate Pilots.

New Training Standards for the Grand Army of the Republic and the Republic Navy.

Coruscant - (CNN) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

Clone Troopers-heads will be shaved.
Corellian Marines-f lat-tops for all recruits.
Republic Navy- no haircut standard.
Republic Pilots-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

Clone Troopers-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Corellian Marines-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Republic Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Republic Pilots-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, and training ceases at 1500.

Clone Troopers-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Corellian Marines-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Republic Navy-3 hot meals.
Republic Pilots-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

Clone Troopers-none.
Corellian Marines-4 hours a week.
Republic Navy-2 days a week.
Republic Pilots-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Clone Troopers-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).
Corellian Marines-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.
Republic Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Republic Pilots-all Republic Pilots personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

Clone Troopers-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.
Corellian Marines-medals and badges are awarded for every Laser fired, hand thermal detonator thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Republic Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.
Republic Pilots-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

Clone Troopers-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations. (except in condition where wearing White Armor make you stand out more)
Corellian Marines-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Republic Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our officers.
Republic Pilots-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.

Clone Troopers-all Clone Troopers shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Corellian Marines-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Republic Navy-nobody knows. Republic Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Republic Pilots-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

A Bad Tern Of Events

I was caught AWOL as I tried to sneak on board my ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied me and ordered me to stop.

Upon hearing my lame explanation for my tardiness, the officer yelled at me, "Take this broom and sweep every com-link on this ship by morning or it's the brig for you! It better be clean before we head into space"

Dirty Com-Links

I began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As I began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle.

I yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. I picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of the hatch. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed out the hatch.

All night long I went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. I couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the com-link once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

A Tern For the Worst

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on me.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This Com-links are no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, Trooper?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," I reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Friday, August 03, 2007

I Like Political Reform

I have been assigned to another of Senator Aak Ask press conferences. Some days you just whish you could be being shot at by droids and Ewoks. *sigh*

*Senator Aak Ask approaches the podium*

Senator Ask Ask
Senator Aak Ask

I have called this press conference today to discuss ethics and corruption reform in the Galactic Senate. As many of you know I have been a long time supporter of cleaning up the ethics problems in the Senate, and as such I have introduced ….”

A report from the Coruscant News Network (CNN) shouts out a question. “Senator, how can you say you have been a long time supporter of ethics reform when you have voted against every single reform measure in the past 20 years and have been under investigation at least 6 times for abuse of the budget program?

Senator Aak Ask looks annoyed, but responds to the question. “I am glad you brought up the subject of hiding thins n the Senate Budget. Those items, known as Earmarks, have caused a lot of problems …

For the Senators!” one reporter say to raucous laughter.

The Senator look more annoyed, but continues, “The Earmarks have caused many problems when they have been exposed to the public, I have proposed in my legislation to get rid of Earmarks, once and for all.”

The Reporter from the Faux News Networks shots a quick startled questions to the Senator, “Do you mean to say that the Galactic Senate will no longer earmark funds, hidden in large budget bills, that give money to their family, friends and political supporters?”

Goodness no man, My legislation is getting rid of the word Earmark and not give a name to what we do and work to hide it better. If you don’t know what we are doing, then you can’t whine and bitch about it. Any further questions?” Aak Ask smiled at the reporters.

The Press corps just stared back with stunned looks on their faces.

Well then, we’ll call it a day then” said the Senator as he left the dais.