Friday, March 31, 2006


I heard a strange sound at the base today. It sounded like mewing. I was on instant alert in case it was another K.I.T.K.A.T attack. I searched the area and found what was making the noise. It wasn’t a K.I.T.K.A.T, but I was close in my thinking.

It was General Grievous’s new kitten.

Someday you just find the most amazing things.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

One of the reasons the Empire fell

The Artist Formally Known As TK 266

I stopped by the Coruscant Mall to get a part for the Lt. Cmdr’s Lap Datapad. That turned out to be a mistake. Veers was swamped with navel officers mobbing the sales rack. I almost had a Naboo Marcus flash back.

I turned around to leave when I spotted the longest line I had ever seen. A JJ and Jinn brownie shop seemed to have opened recently. I spotted both JJ and Qui-Gon working the counter. They look like they were stuck deep in retail hell. Their pain inspired me to do something I have never done before: write and sing a song.

(Sung to the tune of “Jack and Diane”, badly)

A little ditty about JJ and Qui
2 mall workers just trying to get by
JJ going to be big CEO star
Qui just wants to chill in the great here and after

Eating Endor dogs outside the Hothey Freeze
Qui and JJ stuck in mall jobs for as long as they can see
Qui say “JJ, let’s give up and be done”
JJ says “Heck no, cuz they’ll think that they won”

JJ says, oh yeah mall life goes on
Long after the thrill of haggling is gone
Qui say, Oh yeah mall life goes on
Long after the mall clone is proved a moron

Qui sits back, collect his thought for a moment
Scratches his head and does it best Hans Solo
“Well, you know JJ, we could run off to Kessel”
JJ says, “Jinn you know we ain’t missin’ a thing”

JJ says uh,

Oh yeah mall life goes on
Long after the shoppers complaints are done
Oh yeah mall life goes on
Long after the old lady's expired coupon
Qui walk on

Mall jobs gonna suck, mall jobs gonna blow
Here's the management, come to break your soul
Holding on to break time just as long as you can
Changes to the schedule will ruin your weekend

Oh yeah, mall life goes on
Long after the mall zombies have eaten everyone
Oh yeah, they say mall life goes on
Long after your will to live is gone

Little ditty, about JJ and Jinn
Two mall worker doing the best that they can.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Down Time

After my adventures with Lemur Su and the K.I.T.K.A.Ts, I spent a few days relaxing. Best thing was getting to heading over to Dex’s Dinner new Holonet cafĂ© for some Kamino coffee and a little down time with Epsilon 775. I took the Lt. Cmdr’s Lap Data Pad to see if I could fix it.

Ahh, Coffee! Life is good.

Friday, March 24, 2006

How To Save The Republic Without Even Trying!

I run. I run like my life depend on it (oh wait it does).

From behind me I hear the outraged screams of Lemur Su, “K.I.T.K.A.Ts!!! Attack!! Bar his escape!”

Give me a break. I mean really, give me a break. I’ll break me off a piece of a K.I.T.K.A.Ts baring me..

I look over my shoulder as I run.

Sith spit, that’s a lot of psycho kitties. I run into the cloning facility and block the door.

I have got to find a place to hide and think for a minute. I hear a noise and …Ahhhhhh

"Jehavey'ir !!" (Ambush) I yell.

I fire back, while jumping out of the way. I hit the K.I.T.K.A.T and run on. Dang, I didn’t realize the K.I.T.K.A.Ts had chameleon ability. That one just changed the color of its fur. I run on trying to think. I slow and duck into a training room.

You have got to be kidding me!!!

“I HAVE MEW NOW!” purrs the Dark Jedi Kitten

I fire twice!

OK bad idea. (note to self, when shooting at someone trained in the Jedi ways, make sure I have more people on my side) I shoot out the light and duck back out the door. I make a mad dash for the outside of the building.


That sounded like an AT-TE’s heavy gun! Here?? How??

I run out the doors of the cloning facility and am greeted by a wonderful sight.

The AT-TE a firing thousands of balls of yarn at the K.I.T.K.A.Ts. Clone troopers are spraying catnip everywhere. Groups of Clone commandos are assaulting the K.I.T.K.A.Ts with Maribou Feather Cat Play Toy. The K.I.T.K.A.Ts are in disarray and being easily scooped up by Coruscant Animal Control.

I see Commander Bly off in the distance securing Lemur Su. I run up and snap a salute.

“No need for that TK-266.”

“but??…you?…” I stammer

“Lt. Cmdr. Oneida contacted us on here way back from Naboo and informed us of your undercover operation. She stated she received a call from you and over heard you extracting information from Lemur Su. We tracked your com signal and showed up before you could claim all the glory.” Commander Bly smiled good naturedly at me.

“By the way, Lt. Cmdr. Oneida joking asked if you contacted her by accident. She is so funny…like she would be on your com link’s speed dial.” Now Bly laughs heartily.

“Yeah…Ha Ha…that would be crazy to have her on my speed dial…ha ha.” I nervously reply.

Lemur Su begins to be taken away, but turn to face me. “I would have ruled the galaxy!! My plan was perfect and would have succeeded if it wasn’t for you meddling….”

“Just shut up and get in the transport.” Bly barked, “it’s off to jail for you.”

I glance back at the battle field littered with yarn and then I hop on another transport heading back to base. What a day!

Maybe the Lt. Cmdr will be home...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

What the *beep beep*

As the elevator opened Lemur Su bang to speak again.

“We are now 3 mile below what was the surface of Coruscant. I found this long forgotten Jedi training center shortly after I was exiled from Kamino. That was after the Batch 3 problem.” Lemur Su glances quickly at me “Not that I ever thought your lot as a mistake, just more of a boo boo. Nothing that a little work wouldn’t have fixed. But did the elders listen to me! NO! it was “quality control” this and “problems with marketing” that. They never saw your true potential”

Wow, I didn’t even know Kanionians could get ever get this work up about anything.

Lemur Su look at me again and regains composure.

“As I was saying I found these old training grounds, I began to do some research. From what I found here I knew no one had used them in over 2,000 years. Further research at the archives showed no record of this location. It would be perfect. I was able to bring equipment for my cloning experiments," Lemur Su Point,

"build training facilities

and make a pretty nifty evil-villain hide-out. Also it was dark and drab so I put in fake sunlight. Nice, don’t you think?”
I was a little overwhelmed. “but where did you get the fund, time or staff power to do all this in 10 short years?” I asked perplexed

“You mean how did I amass fortune, build this complex and keep it all secrete”

I nod yes.

“Sorry A3-001, that’s special evil-villain leader information. Your not one, so I can’t tell you.”

WTF?!?!?!?! (back to the story)

We approached the training center. The sound of blaster fire inter mingled with the mewing of kittens.

“You can see the training all of the K.I.T.K.A.Ts go though:

basic melee weapons

blaster rifles

advanced martial arts

and finally…”

I call out without thinking “Holy Kamino on a Krutch” *beep beep*

“I see you are surprised by the final Jedi Training we put them through. Darth Luv helped train them in the Jedi way before he was killed.” *beep beep*

“And once they are trained and placed with the powerful thought out the Galaxy I will unleash order 66 and death will befall all who oppose me!!!”

*beep beep*

“But how will the K.I.T.K.A.Ts be put in place? And I think Order 66 is already taken.”

Lemur Su snaps out of the megalomaniacal stupor “We are sending them to all the Senator, Jedi and various powerful being throughout the Galaxy. That dizzy senator from Naboo passed “Republic Adopt a Pet Week” as a *beep beep* piece of B.S. legislation to pad her legislative record. The K.I.T.K.A.Ts will arrive in 2 weeks with a note from the senator. Who could resist a cute kitten from a hot senator? Muhahahahahahahahaha, the plan is fool proof. The only thing that could stop us is…Do you hear a beep beep noise? Because I been hearing it for a while…*beep beep*...There it goes again

I hear the beep of my communicator. I must have turned it on by accident while fidgeting my hands in my pocket.

*beep beep*

Lemur Su glares at me “A3-001, what’s in your pocket?”

I shrug and look for any escape route. *beep beep*


I pull out my hold-out blaster and run as fast as I can.


*beep beep*

Monday, March 20, 2006

Lemur Su Speaks

I try not to react too strongly as I gaze at Lemur Su. But my face must give something away.

“What is it, A3-001? Have I aged that much in the last 3 years? Do I look old to you now?”

“uhh…No. It just I wasn’t to expecting you. And the Toydarian threw me off.”

We begin to walk to the through a door in the back of the shop and down a long hallway

“I understand, but that is his job. Your disguise is much better than the hat you wore last time. Well, why have you come here? The plan is almost ready and we don’t want anything to interfere with it.”

“Oh yeah the Plan. I’m curious about how the kitten that belongs to General Grievous works into the plan?...And I only ask because that Lt. Cmdr that is on that show with him contacted one of the clone about the animal.”

“WHAT!!! Are you saying someone is onto the plan??? What has become of that clone and the commander?”

I try not to panic (much) “The clone has been taken care of. I am impersonating him and can communicate with the commander when I have need. No one else know of this” I stammer out.

“Oh, I should have never tried to get that kitten close to Yoda. That plan failed when that annoying little Jawa ate it. I still don’t understand how that jawa managed to capture that kitten after all its training. But then again he did help lead to the downfall of the lemur clone army I helped Darth Wuv create.”

“But do not to worry, A3-001. We have improved on that plan ten fold. With our K.I.T.K.A.Ts almost fully trained and in place all over the Republic we should have no trouble taking over.”

I must have had that confused look again.

“I am sorry A3-001. I forget you haven’t received the latest acronyms code book. K.I.T.K.A.Ts are the Kitten Infiltration Tactical Klone Attack Teams. I can not tell you hard it is to come with acronyms when the phrase clone is trademarked.”

“Excuse me? You're worried about trademark infringement? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh my poor naive clone. Taking over the galaxy is one thing, F***ing with intellectual property rights lawyers…even I am not that crazy. Come with me and I will show you how much work has been done since your last visit”

We reach an elevator and being to make our way down into the depths of the Coco District.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

At the Klone Store.

I hail a cab and make my way to Coco Town, where Kaninoan Kat Kloning (K.K.K.) is located. Wow, this is pretty sketchy for the cliental this place is supposed to have.

I am dropped about 1 block from K.K.K.. I pass McDooku’s, Dex’s Diner and Hutt’s house of discount robes (is that Kenobi leaving??), before arriving at Kaninoan Kat Kloning.

When I enter the storefront, I am confronted by a flapping of wings.

“Hey, whatas the big idea? You trying to knock me down big guy?”

A Toydarian??? That not what I expected. I look at him askance.

“Hey Cyclops, nice mustache” the Toydarian laughs “youa looking for a clone…I mean Klone pet, ehhh?”

“Of course, why else would I be here? I wanted to find the perfect pet.”

“Weel, I thinka I havea the perfect pet fora bigga guy like you. Howa ‘bout a womp rat. Youa look likea womp rat guy”

I try to laugh jovially “Ha Ha. No, my flying friend I am looking for a cat.” Now to use my sly transition. “And I only want the best kind of clone… I mean Klone. Is your cloner a Kaninoan?”

“Firstly, we don’t have cats. And our cloner, he’sa not a Kaninoan, I thinka he a jawa…yeah thatsa right he a jawa. And he’s away right now, so youa can’t talk to him. In fact youa should go now.”

Uhh, the name on the door Say "Kaninoan Kat Kloning, and your saying you have neither cats or Kaninoans?”

“You musta read it wrong, good day to you funny eye patch and mustache man”

“Listen hear, I have a lot of credits and I want to spend them on a clone…I mean Klone cat. Come on, what do you say?”

“Hmmm, lotso credits you say? Let see what the Chance Cube says! Red you leave, Blue you can give me the credits and maybe I’ll see if we have a cat in stock”

The Toydarian rolls his chance cube.

“What is that???” I scream. As the Toydarian turns his head to look I flip the cube to a blue side.

“Whata you talking about, I don’t see any thing. Blue!! Hmmm, I don’t know how but you cheated! The deal is broken, you must go!”

A claming voice floats into the room “That is enough Matto. Let Alpha Three-001 stay. He and I have much to catch up since his last visit. The plan is almost complete. And nice mustache A3-001”

A3-001??? The first Batch 3 clone? But, he was killed in the “Cherry Bomb in the Toilet” incident right after we were stationed on Coruscant.

I turn and am greeted by Lemur Su, the Kaninoan responsible for the error in making Batch 3.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Back to Base to Make a Plan!

I headed back to base after my illuminating discussion with the assistance Archivist. She seemed a little stressed out by her job.

Once back at base I jumped on the Holo-Net and looked for information on Kaminoian Kat Kloning. As the Archivist stated the company seemed to be dedicated to cloning pets for the super rich. The write ups showed a successful business with a good bottom line. From what I read, the pet clones seemed to be very good, which suggest that a real Kaminian was helping make the clone. But I could not imagine any Kaminoian stooping so low as to clone pets.

This mystery is beginning to be more enigmatic, obtuse and inscrutable by the moment. (sorry, just bought a new Thesaurus and I am going to get my monies worth)

I loaded the all the information into my data pad and was ready to go when the Archivist words came back to me:

*cough,moron,cough,idiot,cough* No, not those one!!

“Oh, and I would think twice about showing up at K.K.K. wearing your white armor!”

I would need a disguise! But what?

I began to look around.

Hmmmm, what about a hat?

No good.

I could grab the "Qui-Gon" costume that one of the Batch 3 clones wore last Nabooween.

Naaa, it just doesn’t seem right.

Maybe I could go without the armor.

That will work, but now everyone will think I am Commander Cody.

Lets see…A little make up and…

No, don’t like it. How about…

No, not a good look for me. Let’s try…

Oh Yeah Baby! That’s the look for me.

OK. Off to Kaminoian Kat Kloning.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

The Kitty Hunt Begins...

Where should I start trying to track down the kitten? I can’t head over to Naboo, due to my duties on Coruscant. Let me see what clues I might garner from the photo the Lt. Cmdr sent me.

*examines photo for several hour*

Well, there seem to be some kind of medallion on his neck. Let’s get a blow up of that.

*spend next 5 hours enhancing, rendering and studying the photo*

What is that? It’s some kind of strange writing that I have never seen before. I’ll head over to the Coruscant archives and to talk with the Master Archivist, Norbert Huntington IV, about these markings.

A Little While Later At The Archives.

“Hi, I’ll like to see Mr. Huntington”

“Sorry he is busy. Thank you. come again.”

“Uh… well can you help me?”

*loud sigh* “I guess…What do you need?”

“I have this enhanced picture, but can’t figure out what it means. Can you run a spectral analysis, a CAT scan, carbon dating and a full dilithium crystal diagnosis?”

“It’s a photograph, you moron. Do you even know what your talking about?”

“Uhh…No, research isn’t my strong suit and I didn’t want to look dumb.”

“Oh, good luck on that *mumbels... dumb @ss*.”

“Well… can you help with the photo? I’ve been examining it all morning and can’t make out what it says.”

“Oh wow, you rendered this yourself??”

“Yes, and it only took me several hours.”

“Oh, you are quite the Microsith PhotoHuttshop master, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I did do a good job.” (smiles proudly). “But, I still can’t make out the markings.”

*cough,moron,cough,idiot,cough* “Yes, quite nice. Here let me help you out.” *takes the photo and turns it over* “Ah, yes, now I think you might be able to solve the mystery.” *cough,Shaggy,cough*

*Takes the photo back with a wince*

“Uh...yeah I knew that, I was just testing you.”

*examines the photo again. (thinks to myself: well, its not like I can just call Grievous Hmmmmm.... Hmmmm whats this at the bottom)

(Still thinking to myself: I wonder what madebykkk means, maybe it the name of a planet or a person, yeah a person. It sound like a Wookie name…Wookies have fur…kittens have fur…yes, I think I have found another clue)

"Ummm…sorry to bother you again, but can you help me look up a Wookie by the name of Madebykkk?"

The archivist glares at me, “Sir, that is a cat collar, right?”

I nod in the affirmative.

“I think it says Made By K.K.K”…stares at The blank look on my face. “Kaminoian Kat Kloning. They are a business that Clone pets for the super rich. Because of the copy right on the name Kamino Clone, they use the cute spelling: Klone”

I continues to look a little puzzled. “So your saying, I should not be looking for a Wookies named Madebykkk?”

The archivist start rubbing here head.

“Anyhow, where would I find this Kaminoian Kat Kloning!”

The archivist finally snaps, “Oh, I don’t know, but why don’t you look in the phone book!!! I can not believe I trained for 12 years to get questions this dim. It’s as bad as helping Kenobi read a map!”

Ok someone woke up grouchy today; I wave good by to the archivist and start to head back to base to plan my next move.

The archivist yells after me “Oh, and I would think twice about showing up at K.K.K. wearing your white armor!”

What did she mean by that?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

When a Lt. Cmdr. Holos at You...

Lt. Cmdr. Oneida sent me a Holo-Gram™ with instruction to only play it when I was alone. I went off to one of the smaller rec rooms and locked the door. I place the Holo-Gram™ on the table and pushed the play button.

A fuzzy image of the Lt. Cmdr. appeared on the table in front of me.

(What is she wearing? It looks like one of Senator Amidala’s travel outfits)

“TK 266, I need to you do something for me while I am stuck here on Naboo. You have served me in well in the Clone Wars and I need you assistance. As you may know, General Grievous was a member of this household for a short time. He brought along with him a kitten. General Grievous claims the kitten ran away before he left the house, but I am not certain. I believe… (*music start in the background ‘You'll never find another love like mine… Some other one-eye guy, who needs you like I do’*)…WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN THAT DOWN, I’M WORKING HERE...but that is kinda sweet…”

( I still can’t get over that outfit. What is up with it?)

“As I was saying TK 266, I believe that there was something amiss with that kitten. I need you to track it down and find out where that kitten went and what is doing now. (*music in the background ‘But I'm the one who loves you, And there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else’*) The Lt. Cmdr. Turns, glares and points at someone off camera and the music turns down to an indistinct level.

She then turns back to the camera.

“Help me TK266, You're my only hope…Well not my only hope, but Delta and Epsilon Groups are busy, E775, WK 315, PK 117 and Lt. Brain are in transit. So that left you, four of the Batch 3 clone and Private Hudson. So more of a last hope thing really. Attached is a picture of the suspect, but it aware it might have changed it looks. When you get any information let me know.”

The image fades out. I take a look at the ‘suspect’. Awwwww he’s cute.

This should be easy.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Clonies

This year at the ‘Clonies’ I lost again in the category of best supporting, supporting, supporting role in a training video to George Cloney.

This is the third year this has happened to me. Oh Well, I’ll try again next year.

Surprisingly, this was not the most controversial issue of the night. MD 48 and BS 23 were presenters this year.

Right in the middle of announcing the best Clone in a supporting role for the Chancellor (Commander Bly and Commander Gree were up for that one), MD 48 and BS 23 went way off script.

What is up with that? I am all for letting a clone be a clone, but get an room. Next year maybe we will get through the show without controversy.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Cleaning Duty

I received a note saying “Trooper take my armor and get it cleaned”. Great! Here a chance to impress the boss. Move up the food chain. Easy…Simple…Nothing could anything go wrong.

It was a simple mistake. Honest, anyone could have done the same thing. I clean my own armor all the time…same way.

Hose it down.

Use a little “Clone so White” detergent.

Rinse and repeat.

See…Easy…How could anything go wrong?

I am sooo toast.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Battle for Hoth

After the Clone Wars most of the battles I fought in did not seem much of a challenge. In the late Empire period the most memorable battle I fought was the Battle for Hoth.

My unit was sent to the far side of Echo base in order to attack from the eastern flank.
We were on foot to avoid detection and came a large frozen lake.

As we crossed the lake, we spotted a squad of rebels.

They charged at us with their Small Team Ice Cannons (S.T.I.Cs) raised high. We dropped several Projected Utility Cells (P.U.Cs) into attack mode and use our own S.T.I.Cs to shoot them at the rebels. After several minutes of fast and furious scrimmaging, my unit had fully checked the main body of rebel advancement. The rebel line broke and they ran for the eastern entrance of Echo base.

We managed to fire three P.U.Cs into the opening, which destroyed it. To this day blowing up an base entrance with three shots is still called ‘A Hoth Trick’.

Even though some of the rebels managed to escape, the eastern exit was block preventing many more rebels from getting away. Lord Vader gave our unit a special award.

Nice isn’t it.