51 Days Later ...

I was on leave and relaxing on Corellia. While me and several other Troopers were enjoying some Ale at a local tavern, when the door burst open in come four exuberant Corellian Marines.

They go to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. After getting their order over, they sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"


GUESS THEY DON’T HAVE THAT WHOLE “NO FACIAL HAIR” RULE

Soon four more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally the last two Marine comes in, one with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

I can't contain my curiosity any longer, so I walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle. The frenzy dies down as I approach and ask asks one of the Marines, "What’s all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that the Corellian Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."


MAN, THESE GUYS ARE LAMER THAN I THOUGHT.

The Ooteeni Tour

Senator Ask Aak was on a goodwill tour of the Outer Rim and stopped on Tattoine. As Usual I am performing security duty for the Senator.


SENATOR ASK AAK – GIVING GOODWILL

Our first stop was a Bantha farm run by Jawas. The Senator was a little surprised to hear that Jawas were into ranching, being that Jawas are know for being scrape dealers. I informed him that Jawas are involved in many economic pursuits and before he asked clued him in that not all Jawas were Dray.


FARMING AND NOT DRAY

Once some of the Jawas had gathered around, Senator Ask Aak began his goodwill speech.

“My Friends, I stand here today to bring you greeting from the Republic. We want to expand the goodness of the Republic to worlds like yours, so as to enrich all of our lives.”

The Jawas erupt into cheers of “Ooteeni, Ooteeni!!”

The Senator continues, pleased by the cheers “Working together we can bring forth peace and prosperity to the Galaxy …”

More cheers “Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni!”

“And you my little droid loving friends will be at the forefront of our thought as we more towards this Glorious future!” Senator Ask Aak thunders on

“Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni” the Jaws thunder back.


TAKING THE BANTHA TOUR

After the speech we tehn take a tour of the Bantha Ranch. As we wander through one of the sand “pastures” I warn the Senator “Watch out that you don’t step in any of the Ooteeni or you’ll never get that smell of your shoes.”

Wookie Droppings

I was stationed on the Wookie home world of Kashyyyk. The place is a jungle and the Wookie live in grass and wood home built high in the trees.


WATCH OUT FOR WOOKIE DROPPINGS

In the area I was patrolling there were several Wookie clans that have been fighting each other. One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized possession of the enemy's chief.

After a particularly fierce fight a rich clan was defeated. The cheif of the defeated clan had a prized solid gold throne.


LOOKS MORE LIKE AN EWOK THROWN

The winning clan took the throne, and put it in the loft in their chief’s house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a home build of grass and wood, and it fell right through the platform, falling 250 feet onto the chief, killing him instantly.

My squad was called into the Wookie’s village to check out the problem and make an assessment.


MAKING MY REPORT

After reviewing all the facts I called my commander and told him the bottom line was people who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones

I Missed This Night At The Bar

An Abyssin walked in to a cantina, ordered an Ol’ Mos Elsey beer. After drinking it down in one gulp, He turns to the crowd and says “I’m the toughest SOB you loser will ever see. You have better watch out or you may just lose you life.”


HE HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF AN ASS IN HIS NAME.

The rest of the Cantina stares for a moment, then goes back to their drinking.

The Abyssin walks over to a Bith and shouts “Who’s the toughest guy in this stinkin’ joint!!”

Terrified the Bith stutter “You are, mighty warrior.”


HAD THE BITH SCARED OUT OF HIM.

Next the Abyssin grabs a Rodin by the collar and barks “Who is the toughest guy in the rat hole of a bar!”

The Rodin, shaking in his boots whimpers, “Oh Sir, you are the toughest being here.”


FEELING A LITTLE BLUE AFTER HIS ENCOUNTER WITH THE BULLY

Finally the Abyssin swaggers over to a wookie and bellow “Who is the toughest Mo-Fo in the junky little cantina!’

Fast as lightning, the Wookie snatches up the Abyssin by his legs, slams him against a table half a dozen times leaving the Abyssin feeling like he’d been run over by a space freighter. The Wookie then stomps on the Abyssin till it looks like a tortilla, finishes his drink and ambles away.


ALL HE WANTED WAS A DRINK AND A FLEA BATH

The Abyssin lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the Wookie - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

I Wish I Had A Mai Tai

I was on patrol riding a Bantha through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life, due to the fact I was a little lost.


WHERE DID THESE GUYS GO?

My supplies were running low when the Bantha died. Now on foot, I desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.

Suddenly, I came across a Jawa vendor in the middle of the desert.


CHECK OUT MY SALE RACK

"Thank the force I found you!" I cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."

"Well," said the Jawa, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" I asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

I left the Jawa and walked on for many more miles, hoping each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.

Suddenly I spotted a Jawa restaurant in the distance.

Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, I assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. A

As I approached the door, I was amazed to see the place actually existed.


WHO WOULD OPEN A RESTAURANT OUT HERE

The Jawa doorman stopped me before I entered.


DANG IT! A BOUNCER!

"Excuse me sir," the Jawa said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"

"Riding" Betty

I had been station with a small unit on the dessert world of Tattoine. For 30 miles in any direction was nothing but sand and hot and more sand. As were we in the middle of the “Sandstorm” season, most of our vehicles were out of commission.

After about a month, we were assigned a new Republic Officer. He was some poor junior grade who must have pissed off someone up the chain of command to get this assignment.

It was my job to show him around and answer his questions.

“So Trooper,” the Officer inquired, “How do you do patrols without vehicles? You can’t go far on foot?”

“We have been given a group of Banthas, Sir” I see his confusion; someone didn’t do his home work. “A native animal of large size, which is accustomed to the heat and used by the locals as a primary mode of transportation.”


HEARD OF BANTHA? NO. YOU DID NOT DO YOUR HOMEWORK AS WELL I SEE.

The Officer nods and we continue the tour of the outpost. Towards the end I see the Officer is trying to work up the nerve to ask a question.

“Ummm, Trooper. What about …..errrr…. well …. Companionship?” the officer asks with hesitation.

“You mean sex, sir?” I reply

He turns a little red and nods his head.

“The Troopers have to take matter in to their own hands, so to speak. But the officer can use Betty.” I explain

“Oh, I see the base has a concubine. Very good.” The Officer smiles.

I laugh “No, Sir. Betty is one of the Banthas.”

“What?!?!?! …. That’s …. What?. Your dismissed trooper” The officer barks at me, turns and storms off to the officer quarters.

At the end of the officer's first week I am on late night guard duty, when I see the young officer walking across the compound carrying a ladder. He heads into the stable and come out 20 minutes later.

“Trooper,” he hails “You know what, that Betty is not half bad. It took a while to figure out how to … well you know, but that is what the ladder was for. I think I might have another go next week.” He gives me a thumbs up.

I look at him askance and say “What you like to do is up to you Sir, but most of the other officers ride Betty into town, go to the cantina and hit on the locals.”