Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Things I Have Learned Being A Trooper

Having been a Trooper for as long as I have been, I have learn a lot about the universe. Here are the major lessons I’ve learned over the past 26 years.

10: Droids easy, Ewoks hard. (I know it doesn’t make sense to me also)

9: What happens on Dewback Sand dune, stays on Dewback Sand dune.

8: Never be the first trooper though the door.

7: Don’t ask Darth Vader if he needs his asthma inhaler refilled.

6: Unless you are on Hoth, White armor is useless for camouflage.

5: When executing Order 66, never stand to close to the Jedi Master. (It bad for your height)

4: If you are pursuing rebel scum though an asteroid field, unless there are 3,721 of you, odds are you’re not the guy who is going to make it.

3: Expect to be ask if you are Commander Cody around 9 times a day, especially if you are working with Kenobi.

2: If you are a tall trooper, learn to duck when heading into the communication room.

1: Those were the droids we were looking for.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Time to Relax

After cleaning up the "Hudson" party and polishing my new helmet to make it so shiny that you can see it from a mile away, I decided TK 903 and I would spend the day just relaxing.

Ahhhh, this is good!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Clones Gone Wild

Its been a slow week on Coruscant for our unit. The Lt. Cmdr is still away at Big Brother: Naboo and we have been given some R&R time.

Several of the Troopers in the unit have taken to following some kind of space soap opera on the Holonet about a Private Jusdon or Hudson or something. They seem obsessed with the story, which they insist is real. Of course they are all Batch 3 clones, so what can you expect. (to find out more about Batch 3 click here and here )

After spending the morning on duty, I headed back to the barracks to change out of the armor and then I am off to the Coruscant Archives.

When I get to the barracks it seem like all heck is breaking loose inside.

“Game over Man!! Game over”

“Some one save Huxley”

“Ahhhhh, Bug Hunt!!!!”

“Cover Galacta!! Now quick!!”

The voices roared through the hall, along with the sound of some kind of small arms fire like a Tatoonine slug shooter.

As I burst in to the room mayhem is every where. I see several troopers flipping bunks over, diving behind lockers and running like mad.

“I’m Private Hudson, and I am here to save you” shouts a trooper

What kind of blaster does that trooper have?

“No way man, I’m Hudson and it game over for you” Yell another clone.

“Well. I’m the real Hudson. Me and Boba are protecting Queen Galacta!”

What in the name of the Kamino makers is going on here? Why does that trooper have a wig on and where did he get the cantaloupes from? And where did that kid come from? (looks kind of funny)

I shout at the top of my voice “What the is going on here! Why have you thrashed this place!”

They all stop and look at me.

“Uhh, we were just trying to be like Private Hudson. You know from the Holonet” one trooper say sheepishly

“Yeah, we just play acting” another chimes in. “General Kenobi says it good for us to have heroes. I think he meant him, but we like Hudson better”

I look around at the mess and the weird outfits. “Okay, your lot are Hudson, and DK 198 is some kind of blonde alien…”

“Uh that Queen Galacta” one trooper informs me

“Okay, then Queen Galacta. But your in a wig” I reply

“Yeah” say DK 198 “ I got lucky to play the Queen”

Got Lucky???

“And you in the lazy boy, who are you supposed to be” I called out

“I am Vasquez!.” He calls back

Another clone yell, “you don’t look any thing like Vasquez!!! Look at my outfit.”

Vasquez?? Who is Vasquez????

“Yarrggggg! Grrrrrr… Look at me, I’m a Xenomorph! Grrrr” Trooper ML 567 shouts as he runs into the room.

Just as I think this is all going to go even more wrong, Commander Cody walked into the barracks.

“Thank goodness you are here Commander” I begin to say, “There is something very wrong going on here”

“ I can see that, trooper.” Commander Cody say with authority, “I was supposed to get to be Queen Galacta!! Damm you, Damm you all for starting without me”

I just head out of the barracks and hope Lt. Cmdr. Oneida come back soon. Really soon.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Red Letter Day at the Barracks

It is exciting around the barracks today. The Lt. Cmdr. sent a message that we are getting our new helmets today.!!! The A-D4173 model. I am so excited I can’t sit still.

New Helmet day is always the coolest. Not only are they a new design, but the new helmets have all sorts of new features.

The A-D4173 model comes with many new features. New and better “snore reduction” shielding help a trooper sleep on the job and avoid being noticed. A better “head coolant” system for trips to Tatooine or Mustafar. A new anti-helmet hair contour inside. And best of all the A-D4173 are equipped with I-Pods, so each troopers can have their own sound track (though everyone seems to just replay the Imperial March and Dr. Dre.)

But take a look yourself. It is a thing of beauty.

Excuse me now, by I think I have to go polish my helmet for the next few hours.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Living in the Pits

The Lt. Cmdr's car arrived from Naboo today.

She asked that we make sure it is smog checked, tuned-up and washed by the time she get back.

No Problem!

We are on the job.

Spud Wars


Monday, February 13, 2006

Served at Last

After spending the better part of the afternoon helping the monkey power wash General Kenobi, I was finally head over to Anakin’s room. Man, is it hot in the temple or what? It got to be at least ninety in this place. It’s making me a little sleepy.

Skywaker is not in his room! Oh just great. Well, I might as well look around ( I can do it legally due the extension of the Republica Act passed overwhelmingly by the Senate)

Let’s see in the closet. Wow! that is a big picture of Senator Amidala.

Hey, there is another picture on his desk.

And what is that? Is that a picture of the Senator on his pillow case?

Hey this give me an idea. *searches for a envelope and pen*
Now just leave the Failure to Appear Notice in the envelope.
Consider yourself served, Skywalker.

I leave the room and start to head out of the Temple, my work here is done. Dang, I am getting sleepy. I look around and see a reading room.

Maybe I just take a little nap. Soft chair, warm room

zzzz zzzzz zzzzzzz

“mister, wake up mister” child’s voice call out. I slowly wake up and see a group of younglings and Harvey is with them.

“I wanted to say sorry about the stairs before” Harvey says. “Me and my friends wanted to make it up to you and painted your armor.”

He hold up a small mirror. “Do you like it mister?”

Oh well, another day another credit.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Enter the Temple

I am back up to the top of the Jedi Temple stairs. Again I am winded, but keeping an eye for that crayon nosed freak. I am able to make my way over to the main entrance, when I spot General Kenobi… with a monkey taped to his leg???.

I snap a salute. “General Kenobi, Sir”

“Hey, yer one of them clone fellas, right!”

“Sir, yes Sir” General Kenobi still hasn’t returned my salute. “uhh, Sir” I nod my head up towards my hand.

“Oh, Yeah. Y’all into that military stuff” he finally returns my salute haphazardly.

‘Sir, you seem to have a monkey taped to you leg. Is there a problem?”

“What yer sayin? Yer tryin to say I stole this monkey? Well, I didn’t. I paid fer him fair and square! Y’all disrespectin me and my monkey?”

“No disrespect meant, Sir” I looked around awkwardly. “You don’t happen to know where Anakin Skywalker is do you?”

“Well, Ah might…Ah might, but you have to help me first. Master Yoda is always yellin bout my Cheeto dust, so yer goin to help on a little matter. Don’t go lookin so worried, ma monkey will help yer.” he began to walk into the Temple and I follow.

10 minutes later

(I hate my job some days)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Serving Papers

The morning went well. I was able to serve Failure to Appear Notices on most of the being on the list. The Rodian, 2 of the Hutts (Thacha the Hutt moved with no forwarding address) were easy. The Mandalorian was a little harder, but I led him to believe there was a bounty on Thacha, but to take the job he needed a clean record and would have to stop by the Coruscant court house and clear up his little problem. Fell for it like a handmaiden hearing one of Captain Typho’s lines for the first time.

Anyhow, I saved the worst for last and headed over to the Jedi Temple.

Man that’s a lot of steps. I am little winded when I get to the top. A trooper better get in shape if he’s climbing these stairs any time soon.

Then I heard a small voice.

‘Hey, mister. Why didn’tcha use the escalator?”

I look at what has to be one of the smallest Jedi. What that hanging out of his nose? A crayon?

I turn on the official charm. “Hi, kiddo. Can you tell me if Anakin Skywalker is home?”

“My name is Harvey. I like Cheetos and wrasseling, just like my hero”

I nod pleasantly. “Uhh, that nice. But is Skywalker in the Temple”

“Master Yoda not here. He with his big brother, Baboo”

Dang, this kid isn’t the brightest lightsaber in the room. “What?? Come on kid, just…”

“My name is Harvey. Master Windu has smelly feet. Do you have smelly feet? Wanna see what we learned in Jedi class today”

“I’ll tell you what ki… Harvey, you can show me what you learned and then take me to Skywalker, Okay?”

“Okay, it called Force push” Harvey look at me and pushes his hand out slowly. I felt the slightest tap on my chest

I start walking to the Temple door. “That great Harvey, I am sure you make a great Jedi, someday. Now can we…”

“Wait wait I can do better” Harvey looks and pushes faster. Something hit my chest like a charging Banta and I am flung down the Temple Stairs.

Screaming like a protocol droid all the way.

It’s going to be a long afternoon.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Not Cool Assignment

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up. When I checked the duty rooster, I am again reminded how much I miss having the Lt. Cmdr around and how much I dislike being stationed on Coruscant.

I have been assigned to serve failure to appear notices to lowlife on this planet. I am a highly trained combat ready trooper and I get to do mailbot duty.

Oh well. Ours is not to reason why… How bad could it be. Let’s see who is on the list:

Beedo the Rodian, 1809 Greenway Lane

Mudda the Hutt, Landing Bay 17

Thacha the Hutt, Hutt Trailerville space 119

Bricka the Hutt, 560987 Oteenie Way

a Mandalorian, Hotel Denoucement, Room 13 (save that one for the next guy)

and oh man! You have got to be kidding me:

Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Temple.

The universe hates me.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

New Trooper???

So with the Lt. Cmdr. away on Big Brother: Naboo and a few of us clones free from pulling guard/removal duty at Senator Ask Aak’s press conference we did what we normally do at time like this: nose around the barracks. I told Epsilon 775 and Commando rage to stay out of the LT. Cmdr’s room, but did the listen? Nooooo. Her security devise went off and sprayed them with a combination of baby blue paint and Bantha “juice”.

While, they went to try to clean up before the Lt. Cmdr came back I goofed around on hacking into the personal files (just for fun, nothing malicious, just a few assignment changes for a few folks)

But then I came across this trooper’s Holophoto.

There is something strange about this trooper. I can’t quite figure it out. I think this trooper isn’t from our unit. The only designation I found was: W0NT D8 M3. Hmmmmm