Just a Short Note

Master Yoda still has me meditating on my "drinking" problem. Will be back soon.

-Tak

Maybe Yoda Was Right.

I am not sure how your St. Patrick’s Day went, but I woke up with my head all fuzzy on the floor in a penthouse suite of some swanky hotel on Los Wages. I remember shuttling over here with some of the other troopers and some Corellian marines.

Then drinking a lot, some kind of dance club and then it gets real blurry. I think I started dancing with a Twi’ Lek women. Had to be, who else could be yellow?

All I have to show what happened is a room key, a temporary marriage license (WTF) and this picture.
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THAT ISN’T A TWI’LEK


Come to think of it I don’t want to know what happened.

A Tale from the Old Republic

In antiquity there was a ranching community on Tattooine who were known to be the best breeders of Banthas in the Republic.


The Great Bantha Drove of ‘07

One Bantha rancher had a prize bull which he had named “Sea Czar”. The local magistrate took such a liking to this prize Bantha bull that he sent his troops to buy or take it from the rancher. The rancher seeing that he had no standing in the matter took the money and gave the animal up.


The Mighty Sea Czar

As a final request, the rancher asked if his Bantha could eat in the pasture it had live it’s whole life one last time.

The troops just sneered at the rancher’s sentimentality and as they loaded the Bantha on the transport told the rancher “We came to ferry Sea Czar, not to graze him.”


Happy Ides of March!

Now I am going to get a salad.

I am off to see the Jedi, the wonderful Jedi of Oz..

I am shaken awake by a clone trooper, who keeps saying “TK-266, you have that appointment at 10:00 hours at the Jedi Temple.”

I look at the chronometer on the wall. 09:15. I crawl out of bed, still buzzed from the night before. I can remember most of the evening, right up to the point we started a drinking contest with the Corellian marines. Then things start to get fuzzy, about as fuzzy as my tongue feels.

I make it to the Jedi Temple in time to report to the BDA (beer drinkers anonymous) meeting room. I take a set and wait for a few minutes. I hear the door open and someone shuffle in to the room. I also hear the familiar tap of a cane.

“General Yoda, Sir! It is good to see you.” I say as I stand and salute.


MASTER YODA, BUT WHY.

“Good to see you trooper …”he looks at the data pad “…TK-266. call me General, you need not. Your councilor, I am.”

He looks at me and then nod for me to sit down. “Problem you have with ….” He lifts his hand in a drinking motion and makes a ‘Glug, Glug” noise.

“I have an alleged ‘glug glug’ problem, Sir” I respond.

“And causes problems, this glug glug does?” Master Yoda asked.

“Uhh, no, at least not for me.”

“Hmmmm, See thought you I can. A problem for Commander Badburns, maybe?”

“Maybe. Hey why are you counseling clone troopers? Don’t you have galaxy to save or something better to do with your time?” I try to change the subject.

“Humpph! Community service I was given. Drive to slow in the slow lane, they say. Leaving blinker on for 3,894 miles, against the law it is. Contempt of court, giving Judge force wedgies are.” Master Yoda says with exasperation. “Getting you off the booze, we must return to now.”

Master Yoda looks at me intently and motions towards me.


SEE THOUGH YOU HE CAN

“Much beer I sense in you. Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to inebriation, inebriation leads to hangovers, hangovers...lead to suffering." I am told in a whisper of a voice.

“That’s not a problem. Clones have Mandolorian blood lines. We don’t get hangover. Just really fuzzy morning.” I reply.

“Know this I did not. But does not change the problems of beer. Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to drunkeness. Drunkeness leads to beer goggles. Beer goggles leads to dirty women. Once you get a dirty woman in your jock, forever will she dominate your destiny.” Yoda intones

“What?!?!?!?!” did you just say ‘dirty girl on your jock’? Are Jedi even allowed to talked like that?”

“Keeping my slang fresh I must or hip I will not be.” The Jedi master informs me.

“At your age, I don’t think any of your slang will ever be considered “Fresh”.” I tell Yoda

“See if street creds you have, when 900 years old you are. Be –yach!” Yoda snaps at me.

Not wanting to get Force pushed around the room, I turn the conversation back to why I am here, “I don’t think I have to worry about beer goggles, I can handle a night on the town with the guys. The have my six.”

“Oh, Like the time waking up you were that the Rodian. An eye-patch and no hair she had. Quite the catch, was she?” Master Yoda smiles.

“Uhhh ….., ummmmm….. ah … I don’t know what you are talking about.” I stammer


RITA? HONEST' I LOST YOUR NUMBER

“Sit and mediate on the danger of coyote ugly, with me. Work more on your ‘glug glug’ problem, we will.” Master Yoda orders.

I sit, still myself and wonder how the rest of the session is going to go.


TBC

AMAZING MUTANT RACE 3: GRAND FINALE

It is the grand finale on The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Please come on over and watch Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Vegeta and Tak battle for the prize. OK we don’t really battle. We have to make up an Oopma Loompa song, then we need to either test Willy Wonka’s new candy or make a new kind of candy kids will love. Stop by to help our ratings during sweeps week!

Click Here For Jon IG.

Click Here For Vegeta.

Click Here For Tak.


Even if you don’t have a clue what we’re doing, stop by and make fun of us.

But I Thought it was 12?

I am once again in the office of Commander Badburns.


He has an Elvis look

“TK-266 due to your involvement in the drunken vandalism incident…”

“Alleged drunken vandalism incident, Sir” I interrupted.

“… ALLEGED my foot.” Badburns harrumphed “I know it was you, I just can’t prove it”

This was turning into a bad version of Ferris Buller.

Badburns continued “Due to the incident and the known drinking, I have recommended you for counseling/reconfiguration. I wanted to have you sent back to Kamino to be “fixed”, but have been told by High Command that it is not going to happen. Instead it has been decided that you must receives substance abuse counseling from a local source.”

I stand still, dumbfounded behind my helmet. I don’t abuse any substance, I just use them to the fullest of their abilities.

“It seems …” Badburns spat out “that the Jedi have taken a liking to the Clone Troopers and have several programs to help them. You have been assigned to a Jedi, who will council you on your problem. Report to the temple tomorrow at 10:00 hours. And take this brochure on the program.”

I salute and leave the office. Badburns calls after me “And if you fail the program, I’ll see that you are sent to the Outer Rim War Front” Great now this is sounding like a Hogan Hero’s episode.

I look over the pamphlet Badburns gave me:

Six Steps to a Better Life or How the Force Can Help!

1: Come to believe that the Force is greater than ourselves and could restore us to balance

2: Do or Do not a searching and fearless inventory of one self, there is no try.

3: Once you start down the dark beer path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consumed you it will, as you consumed the dark beer.

4: Be entirely ready to beware of the dark side of mixed drinks.

5: If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of drunkenness.

6: Your ally is the Force. A powerful ally it is to stop you from boozing.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Waiting Is the Hardest Part

While performing ceremonial guard duty at a dinner, I over heard an amusing conversation.

The Chancellor gave the dinner to honor several of the high command for their efforts in the war with the Separatist. As usual Senator Ask Ask was in attendance.


EATING THE FREE FOOD.

As the food was served, Senator Ask Aak used up all the butter on the butter plate. He quickly waved down one of the waiters.

“Son, get me some more butter.” Ask Aak stated boorishly

“I am sorry Sir; it is the dinning custom to only serve one butter plate every 4 feet at the Chancellors table.” The waiter replied

Senator Ask Aak became a little irate, “You will bring me some more butter, you overpaid busboy!”

“I am sorry sir, I cannot do that.” Smiled the waiter


TOO BUSY FOR BUTTER

“Do you know who I am?” Ask Aak questioned.

“You sir, you are Senator Ask Aak, primary spokesperson for the Palpatine Chancellery. Do you know who I am, sir?” The waiter said.

“No.” Ask Aak stated with exasperation.

“I’m the guy in charge of the butter.” The waited told him as he turned in left.

Drinking Games?

I have been called into my unit commander’s office.


Commander Badburns

“TK-266, it has come to our attention that some of the troopers went out last night. Were you with the groups?”

“Yes Sir, I was.”

“I have also heard that the unit drank heavily. Is that correct?”

“Depends on your definition of heavily, Sir”

He pulls out a data pad, “Let’s see …. Hmmm…. A bar tab of 1,800 credits for seven troopers. Sound heavy to me”

“We did pay the tab, Sir. And in our defense the drinks were expensive at that joint” I am glad I have my helmet on and he cannot see my face.

“Well the drinking is not the problem. It seems someone vandalized my neighborhood afterwards. Lot me show you a Holo of what was done.” The officer leans towards me and shows me the photo. “Do you have any idea who may have done this?”


Sand People couldn’t have done this – the shot are to precise.

“No Idea, Sir. It could be Separatist.” I try not to let a smirk in my voice

The officer just glared at me. “Or does this ring any bells for you?"


Officer Wonder Dog

I bite my tongue, “No Sir, but she looks great, don’t you think?”

“Bowser is a male you idiot. And I supposes you have no idea what this graffiti spray painted on the side of my house means.”


Tak Guevara?

“Uhhhhh …. More separatist, sir?”


I must remember not to drink that much in the future.