I blame Vanilla

I have been having all sort of weird dreams lately. Most involve strange thing happing on different world.

In the most recent dream I was lost on the ice world of Hoth, Stranded on a narrow stretch of land between the two large continents.

There was a vicious storm that limited visibility to only 3 meters.


BRRRR HOTH IS ICE COLD.

I woke up in a cold sweat and realized I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

WWBV - the game show

Happing now on ‘WHO WANT TO BE A VILLAIN”

The Henchman just keeps shaking his head.

I try to break the silence “So do I sing Ice Ice Baby now? I've been practicing my Running Man dance.” .....



Click here to find out more.

Be careful how you say things ...

One of the more mind numbing and annoying assignment a Trooper can get is guard duty at the Republic Senate building.

The problems with the assignment are two-fold: having to talk to people all day and having to deal with the Senator from all over the galaxy.

It is bad enough having the deal with Senator Ask Aak, but deal with the lot of them all at once can be damaging to ones psyche. Here are examples from a typical day.

*************

AOC: Good day Senator Balkie. Hope the transport in was not to bad.

Senator Balkie: No, it was fine *begins to walk through the detector*

AOC: Senator, you forgot to slide you ID card through the slot *turns off the alarm*

Senator Balkie: Ha Ha, I do that a lot, I am getting forgetful at my age. *begins to slide the card wrong*

AOC: Turn the card over … no not that way …. The magnetic strip has to face me ….No turn the strip down …. No, strip down facing me …..Ahhhhh my eyes … that is not what I meant!!!!!











Sen.Balkie in the buff

After washing my eyes with Hydrogen Peroxide for an hour I was back to work.

I see Senator Lairee K-Reg move over to my line.

AOC: Good day Senator K-Reg. How was the flight in from Induomodo?


Sen. K-Reg and his wide stance on the issues.

Senator K-Reg: It was just awful, with the exception of the stop over on Mimban. Great restrooms there.

AOC: Uhhh, Yeah.

Senator K-Reg: Did you know TK-266, that TK is a common middle name on Indumodo?

AOC: No, Sir I did not.

Senator K-Reg: Any chance you are part Imdumodoian?

AOC: No Sir, I don’t think so.

Senator K-Reg: Maybe you have a little Indumodoina in you? What do you think?

AOC: I do not believe so, sir.

Senator K-Reg: *leaning in close* would you like to have a little Indumdoian in you? *he winks*

AOC: *sighs* Senator, for the 37th time, no.

********************


I wish I was killing droids.

Don't Ask Aak, Don't Tell

Once again I have been assigned to Senator Ask Aak's detail. This assignment did not seem to be too bad. It turns out that the Senator is an avid, but lousy hunter. Every year he travels to different world with his hunting buddy to try and bag some big game.


MY FAVORITE BIG LAME HUNTER (Sen. Aak)

Senator Ask Aak informed me that he and his buddy will be hunting Krayt Dragons on Tattoine. They had a successful hunt on the planet several years ago. My job will be to pilot the two “hunters” around planet side.

We head out into the Dune Sea, traveling for several days. Senator Ask Aak finally tells me to set down in a barren valley that he remembers from his last trip.

I set up a base camp at the skiff, while the Senator and his buddy head off into the desert. I spend a peaceful two day on my own (only contemplating leaving the Senator to perish in the Dune Sea once or twice).


JUST FRACKING KRAYT

I get a com call to come pick-up the Senator. As I land at the site I see a massive Krayt Dragon and both men with big smiles.

We begin to load the dead beast on to the skiff, but I start to get worried about the weight of the beast.

“Senator, I don’t think we can take this thing out of here on the skiff. It is just too big.” I explain

The Senator’s buddy replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last time, but in the end we took out a Krayt bigger then this one."

All three of us argued for several minutes more. I finally gave up and agreed to fly everything out.We load up the Krayt and fire up the skiff.

The skiff shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the off the ground. We are flying low and I try to pull the skiff higher to get out of the valley and crash into a large sand dune.

The three of us, dazed and confused, make there way out of the wreckage.

I look at the two of then and snap, "Where the heck are we?"

The Senator looks around, "About half a mile further than we got last time!"

Womp Rats, Jawas and Spies Oh My

I was on patrol on Tattoine, when I saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style Mud Hut:

Talking Womp Rat for Sale

I hop out of my rig, bang on the door and a Jawa appears and tells me the Womp Rat is in the back. I go into the back and see a ugly looking Womp Rat sitting there.


BUT CAN HE CONVERSE OR IS HE JUST A LIMBAUGH

"You talk?" I asks.

"Yep," the Womp Rat replies.

After I recover from the shock of hearing a Womp Rat talk, I ask "So, what's your story?"

The Womp Rat looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Chancellor and he had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The Grand Army of The Republic... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Rats."

In no time at all they had me jetting from planet to planet, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a Womp Rat would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the G.A.R (8 Womp Rat years is 56 G.A.R years) and signed up for a job at the spaceport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a litter of baby Womps, and now I'm just retired."

I was amazed. I go back in and ask the Jawa what he wants for the Womp Rat.

"Ten Credits," the Jawa says.

"Ten Credits? This Rat is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Republic Navy!"

Beer is good

I was in a Cantina on Coruscant. I walk up to the bar at the same moment that a Senator and a Jawa approached.

Simultaneously, all three of us ordered a beer. The bartender let out a little laugh and then pours three drafts.

As we get our beers, we all notice bugs floating in the foam.


It is doing the breast stroke?

The Senator wrinkles his nose, pushes his beer away and says “Bartender, what kind of establishment are you running. I am appalled.

I snort my displeasure at the Senator, flick the fly out of the beer, slam it down in one go and mutter “pansy”

Meanwhile the Jawa snatches up fly, begins to smack the fly on the back, while screaming “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT”