Since I had a lot of time over the very long deployment I had tome to think about some of the things that bother me. So with out further ado, here is a list of 10 things the bug me about being a Stormtrooper.
10. Blast doors don’t always open all the way.
9. Sometimes I feel like just another number.
8. The brainiac who thought of white amour should try suiting up and hiding in a forest himself sometime!
7. The pension plan stinks -- if you live that long.
6. Can’t see a thing in that helmet.
5. Vindictive captain always puts me on dangerous detail.
4. “Armor forms an anti-blaster cocoon,” my ass!
3. Cheap-ass rifles are way off calibration. I keep missing my targets.
2. Every time I meet a nice girl, she shoots at me.
1. I personally toasted several rebels on the Tantive IV, and I still got less recognition than that guy who just said, “Look, sir, droids!”
Totally ripped off from the Holonet :
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Another reason the dislike pilots
I am stuck on a moon in the outer rim. My unit is guarding a flight base hidden in the temperate region. Security is tight and this has caused some problem.
Yesterday BD 978 and I were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where fighter crafts were kept. A pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, so BD 978 asked him for it.
"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my Fighter”
"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your fighter," replied BD 978, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
And that is why We are now guarding a Waste Water station.
Sorry for the long absents, deployments are a bitch right now. :)
Yesterday BD 978 and I were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where fighter crafts were kept. A pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, so BD 978 asked him for it.
"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my Fighter”
"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your fighter," replied BD 978, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
And that is why We are now guarding a Waste Water station.
Sorry for the long absents, deployments are a bitch right now. :)
Friday, April 27, 2007
Lastest Press Release from the Brass
News Update: Grand Army of the Republic (G.A.R.) Unveils New AwardSubject: Combat Briefing Badge (CBB)
Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat operations, the G.A.R. today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB.
"People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going on patrols or convoys," said Republic Naval Commander Dick Hertz. "When you're briefing that many General Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time, not just combat arms soldiers."
G.A.R. statistics note that briefing personnel are more likely to suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Clone Troopers in the field. "This just reflects that reality," said G.A.R. spokesman Major Paynein Theash. “On the plus side,” Major Theash continued, “at least we don’t have any general who kill people who bring them bad news.”
The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint Ranger tab.
The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.
The Combat Briefing Badge
Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat operations, the G.A.R. today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB.
"People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going on patrols or convoys," said Republic Naval Commander Dick Hertz. "When you're briefing that many General Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time, not just combat arms soldiers."
G.A.R. statistics note that briefing personnel are more likely to suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Clone Troopers in the field. "This just reflects that reality," said G.A.R. spokesman Major Paynein Theash. “On the plus side,” Major Theash continued, “at least we don’t have any general who kill people who bring them bad news.”
The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint Ranger tab.
The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.
The Combat Briefing Badge
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Son of a Bith!!!
I keep getting unusual assignments.
I recently was asked to escort and protect a group of Bith and their Ambassador, Sam Bithdor. As you may know, the Bith are fantastic musician, know throughout the Republic for their skills. The Ambassadors group all played and carried their instruments with them at all times.
THE BITH BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
On the last night on Coruscant, Ambassador Sam took the group to a local disco. The disco was owned by a friend of the Ambassadors. Everyone had a great time, making music, dancing and drinking.
As we made out way back to the Ambassador’s residents, one of the party stop and groaned, “I don’t have my Harp, I think I forgot it”
“Where did you last remember having it “ Asked another Bith.
The Harpist sighed, “I left my Harp in Sam’s friend’s disco”
He was promptly beaten for unlawful use of an out of Galaxy pun.
I recently was asked to escort and protect a group of Bith and their Ambassador, Sam Bithdor. As you may know, the Bith are fantastic musician, know throughout the Republic for their skills. The Ambassadors group all played and carried their instruments with them at all times.
THE BITH BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
On the last night on Coruscant, Ambassador Sam took the group to a local disco. The disco was owned by a friend of the Ambassadors. Everyone had a great time, making music, dancing and drinking.
As we made out way back to the Ambassador’s residents, one of the party stop and groaned, “I don’t have my Harp, I think I forgot it”
“Where did you last remember having it “ Asked another Bith.
The Harpist sighed, “I left my Harp in Sam’s friend’s disco”
He was promptly beaten for unlawful use of an out of Galaxy pun.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Just a Short Note
Master Yoda still has me meditating on my "drinking" problem. Will be back soon.
-Tak
-Tak
Monday, March 19, 2007
Maybe Yoda Was Right.
I am not sure how your St. Patrick’s Day went, but I woke up with my head all fuzzy on the floor in a penthouse suite of some swanky hotel on Los Wages. I remember shuttling over here with some of the other troopers and some Corellian marines.
Then drinking a lot, some kind of dance club and then it gets real blurry. I think I started dancing with a Twi’ Lek women. Had to be, who else could be yellow?
All I have to show what happened is a room key, a temporary marriage license (WTF) and this picture.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THAT ISN’T A TWI’LEK
Come to think of it I don’t want to know what happened.
Then drinking a lot, some kind of dance club and then it gets real blurry. I think I started dancing with a Twi’ Lek women. Had to be, who else could be yellow?
All I have to show what happened is a room key, a temporary marriage license (WTF) and this picture.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THAT ISN’T A TWI’LEK
Come to think of it I don’t want to know what happened.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
A Tale from the Old Republic
In antiquity there was a ranching community on Tattooine who were known to be the best breeders of Banthas in the Republic.
The Great Bantha Drove of ‘07
One Bantha rancher had a prize bull which he had named “Sea Czar”. The local magistrate took such a liking to this prize Bantha bull that he sent his troops to buy or take it from the rancher. The rancher seeing that he had no standing in the matter took the money and gave the animal up.
The Mighty Sea Czar
As a final request, the rancher asked if his Bantha could eat in the pasture it had live it’s whole life one last time.
The troops just sneered at the rancher’s sentimentality and as they loaded the Bantha on the transport told the rancher “We came to ferry Sea Czar, not to graze him.”
Happy Ides of March!
Now I am going to get a salad.
The Great Bantha Drove of ‘07
One Bantha rancher had a prize bull which he had named “Sea Czar”. The local magistrate took such a liking to this prize Bantha bull that he sent his troops to buy or take it from the rancher. The rancher seeing that he had no standing in the matter took the money and gave the animal up.
The Mighty Sea Czar
As a final request, the rancher asked if his Bantha could eat in the pasture it had live it’s whole life one last time.
The troops just sneered at the rancher’s sentimentality and as they loaded the Bantha on the transport told the rancher “We came to ferry Sea Czar, not to graze him.”
Happy Ides of March!
Now I am going to get a salad.
Monday, March 12, 2007
I am off to see the Jedi, the wonderful Jedi of Oz..
I am shaken awake by a clone trooper, who keeps saying “TK-266, you have that appointment at 10:00 hours at the Jedi Temple.”
I look at the chronometer on the wall. 09:15. I crawl out of bed, still buzzed from the night before. I can remember most of the evening, right up to the point we started a drinking contest with the Corellian marines. Then things start to get fuzzy, about as fuzzy as my tongue feels.
I make it to the Jedi Temple in time to report to the BDA (beer drinkers anonymous) meeting room. I take a set and wait for a few minutes. I hear the door open and someone shuffle in to the room. I also hear the familiar tap of a cane.
“General Yoda, Sir! It is good to see you.” I say as I stand and salute.
MASTER YODA, BUT WHY.
“Good to see you trooper …”he looks at the data pad “…TK-266. call me General, you need not. Your councilor, I am.”
He looks at me and then nod for me to sit down. “Problem you have with ….” He lifts his hand in a drinking motion and makes a ‘Glug, Glug” noise.
“I have an alleged ‘glug glug’ problem, Sir” I respond.
“And causes problems, this glug glug does?” Master Yoda asked.
“Uhh, no, at least not for me.”
“Hmmmm, See thought you I can. A problem for Commander Badburns, maybe?”
“Maybe. Hey why are you counseling clone troopers? Don’t you have galaxy to save or something better to do with your time?” I try to change the subject.
“Humpph! Community service I was given. Drive to slow in the slow lane, they say. Leaving blinker on for 3,894 miles, against the law it is. Contempt of court, giving Judge force wedgies are.” Master Yoda says with exasperation. “Getting you off the booze, we must return to now.”
Master Yoda looks at me intently and motions towards me.
SEE THOUGH YOU HE CAN
“Much beer I sense in you. Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to inebriation, inebriation leads to hangovers, hangovers...lead to suffering." I am told in a whisper of a voice.
“That’s not a problem. Clones have Mandolorian blood lines. We don’t get hangover. Just really fuzzy morning.” I reply.
“Know this I did not. But does not change the problems of beer. Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to drunkeness. Drunkeness leads to beer goggles. Beer goggles leads to dirty women. Once you get a dirty woman in your jock, forever will she dominate your destiny.” Yoda intones
“What?!?!?!?!” did you just say ‘dirty girl on your jock’? Are Jedi even allowed to talked like that?”
“Keeping my slang fresh I must or hip I will not be.” The Jedi master informs me.
“At your age, I don’t think any of your slang will ever be considered “Fresh”.” I tell Yoda
“See if street creds you have, when 900 years old you are. Be –yach!” Yoda snaps at me.
Not wanting to get Force pushed around the room, I turn the conversation back to why I am here, “I don’t think I have to worry about beer goggles, I can handle a night on the town with the guys. The have my six.”
“Oh, Like the time waking up you were that the Rodian. An eye-patch and no hair she had. Quite the catch, was she?” Master Yoda smiles.
“Uhhh ….., ummmmm….. ah … I don’t know what you are talking about.” I stammer
RITA? HONEST' I LOST YOUR NUMBER
“Sit and mediate on the danger of coyote ugly, with me. Work more on your ‘glug glug’ problem, we will.” Master Yoda orders.
I sit, still myself and wonder how the rest of the session is going to go.
TBC
I look at the chronometer on the wall. 09:15. I crawl out of bed, still buzzed from the night before. I can remember most of the evening, right up to the point we started a drinking contest with the Corellian marines. Then things start to get fuzzy, about as fuzzy as my tongue feels.
I make it to the Jedi Temple in time to report to the BDA (beer drinkers anonymous) meeting room. I take a set and wait for a few minutes. I hear the door open and someone shuffle in to the room. I also hear the familiar tap of a cane.
“General Yoda, Sir! It is good to see you.” I say as I stand and salute.
MASTER YODA, BUT WHY.
“Good to see you trooper …”he looks at the data pad “…TK-266. call me General, you need not. Your councilor, I am.”
He looks at me and then nod for me to sit down. “Problem you have with ….” He lifts his hand in a drinking motion and makes a ‘Glug, Glug” noise.
“I have an alleged ‘glug glug’ problem, Sir” I respond.
“And causes problems, this glug glug does?” Master Yoda asked.
“Uhh, no, at least not for me.”
“Hmmmm, See thought you I can. A problem for Commander Badburns, maybe?”
“Maybe. Hey why are you counseling clone troopers? Don’t you have galaxy to save or something better to do with your time?” I try to change the subject.
“Humpph! Community service I was given. Drive to slow in the slow lane, they say. Leaving blinker on for 3,894 miles, against the law it is. Contempt of court, giving Judge force wedgies are.” Master Yoda says with exasperation. “Getting you off the booze, we must return to now.”
Master Yoda looks at me intently and motions towards me.
SEE THOUGH YOU HE CAN
“Much beer I sense in you. Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to inebriation, inebriation leads to hangovers, hangovers...lead to suffering." I am told in a whisper of a voice.
“That’s not a problem. Clones have Mandolorian blood lines. We don’t get hangover. Just really fuzzy morning.” I reply.
“Know this I did not. But does not change the problems of beer. Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to drunkeness. Drunkeness leads to beer goggles. Beer goggles leads to dirty women. Once you get a dirty woman in your jock, forever will she dominate your destiny.” Yoda intones
“What?!?!?!?!” did you just say ‘dirty girl on your jock’? Are Jedi even allowed to talked like that?”
“Keeping my slang fresh I must or hip I will not be.” The Jedi master informs me.
“At your age, I don’t think any of your slang will ever be considered “Fresh”.” I tell Yoda
“See if street creds you have, when 900 years old you are. Be –yach!” Yoda snaps at me.
Not wanting to get Force pushed around the room, I turn the conversation back to why I am here, “I don’t think I have to worry about beer goggles, I can handle a night on the town with the guys. The have my six.”
“Oh, Like the time waking up you were that the Rodian. An eye-patch and no hair she had. Quite the catch, was she?” Master Yoda smiles.
“Uhhh ….., ummmmm….. ah … I don’t know what you are talking about.” I stammer
RITA? HONEST' I LOST YOUR NUMBER
“Sit and mediate on the danger of coyote ugly, with me. Work more on your ‘glug glug’ problem, we will.” Master Yoda orders.
I sit, still myself and wonder how the rest of the session is going to go.
TBC
Thursday, March 08, 2007
AMAZING MUTANT RACE 3: GRAND FINALE
It is the grand finale on The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Please come on over and watch Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Vegeta and Tak battle for the prize. OK we don’t really battle. We have to make up an Oopma Loompa song, then we need to either test Willy Wonka’s new candy or make a new kind of candy kids will love. Stop by to help our ratings during sweeps week!
Click Here For Jon IG.
Click Here For Vegeta.
Click Here For Tak.
Even if you don’t have a clue what we’re doing, stop by and make fun of us.
Click Here For Jon IG.
Click Here For Vegeta.
Click Here For Tak.
Even if you don’t have a clue what we’re doing, stop by and make fun of us.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
But I Thought it was 12?
I am once again in the office of Commander Badburns.
He has an Elvis look
“TK-266 due to your involvement in the drunken vandalism incident…”
“Alleged drunken vandalism incident, Sir” I interrupted.
“… ALLEGED my foot.” Badburns harrumphed “I know it was you, I just can’t prove it”
This was turning into a bad version of Ferris Buller.
Badburns continued “Due to the incident and the known drinking, I have recommended you for counseling/reconfiguration. I wanted to have you sent back to Kamino to be “fixed”, but have been told by High Command that it is not going to happen. Instead it has been decided that you must receives substance abuse counseling from a local source.”
I stand still, dumbfounded behind my helmet. I don’t abuse any substance, I just use them to the fullest of their abilities.
“It seems …” Badburns spat out “that the Jedi have taken a liking to the Clone Troopers and have several programs to help them. You have been assigned to a Jedi, who will council you on your problem. Report to the temple tomorrow at 10:00 hours. And take this brochure on the program.”
I salute and leave the office. Badburns calls after me “And if you fail the program, I’ll see that you are sent to the Outer Rim War Front” Great now this is sounding like a Hogan Hero’s episode.
I look over the pamphlet Badburns gave me:
Six Steps to a Better Life or How the Force Can Help!
1: Come to believe that the Force is greater than ourselves and could restore us to balance
2: Do or Do not a searching and fearless inventory of one self, there is no try.
3: Once you start down the dark beer path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consumed you it will, as you consumed the dark beer.
4: Be entirely ready to beware of the dark side of mixed drinks.
5: If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of drunkenness.
6: Your ally is the Force. A powerful ally it is to stop you from boozing.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
He has an Elvis look
“TK-266 due to your involvement in the drunken vandalism incident…”
“Alleged drunken vandalism incident, Sir” I interrupted.
“… ALLEGED my foot.” Badburns harrumphed “I know it was you, I just can’t prove it”
This was turning into a bad version of Ferris Buller.
Badburns continued “Due to the incident and the known drinking, I have recommended you for counseling/reconfiguration. I wanted to have you sent back to Kamino to be “fixed”, but have been told by High Command that it is not going to happen. Instead it has been decided that you must receives substance abuse counseling from a local source.”
I stand still, dumbfounded behind my helmet. I don’t abuse any substance, I just use them to the fullest of their abilities.
“It seems …” Badburns spat out “that the Jedi have taken a liking to the Clone Troopers and have several programs to help them. You have been assigned to a Jedi, who will council you on your problem. Report to the temple tomorrow at 10:00 hours. And take this brochure on the program.”
I salute and leave the office. Badburns calls after me “And if you fail the program, I’ll see that you are sent to the Outer Rim War Front” Great now this is sounding like a Hogan Hero’s episode.
I look over the pamphlet Badburns gave me:
Six Steps to a Better Life or How the Force Can Help!
1: Come to believe that the Force is greater than ourselves and could restore us to balance
2: Do or Do not a searching and fearless inventory of one self, there is no try.
3: Once you start down the dark beer path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consumed you it will, as you consumed the dark beer.
4: Be entirely ready to beware of the dark side of mixed drinks.
5: If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of drunkenness.
6: Your ally is the Force. A powerful ally it is to stop you from boozing.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Waiting Is the Hardest Part
While performing ceremonial guard duty at a dinner, I over heard an amusing conversation.
The Chancellor gave the dinner to honor several of the high command for their efforts in the war with the Separatist. As usual Senator Ask Ask was in attendance.
EATING THE FREE FOOD.
As the food was served, Senator Ask Aak used up all the butter on the butter plate. He quickly waved down one of the waiters.
“Son, get me some more butter.” Ask Aak stated boorishly
“I am sorry Sir; it is the dinning custom to only serve one butter plate every 4 feet at the Chancellors table.” The waiter replied
Senator Ask Aak became a little irate, “You will bring me some more butter, you overpaid busboy!”
“I am sorry sir, I cannot do that.” Smiled the waiter
TOO BUSY FOR BUTTER
“Do you know who I am?” Ask Aak questioned.
“You sir, you are Senator Ask Aak, primary spokesperson for the Palpatine Chancellery. Do you know who I am, sir?” The waiter said.
“No.” Ask Aak stated with exasperation.
“I’m the guy in charge of the butter.” The waited told him as he turned in left.
The Chancellor gave the dinner to honor several of the high command for their efforts in the war with the Separatist. As usual Senator Ask Ask was in attendance.
EATING THE FREE FOOD.
As the food was served, Senator Ask Aak used up all the butter on the butter plate. He quickly waved down one of the waiters.
“Son, get me some more butter.” Ask Aak stated boorishly
“I am sorry Sir; it is the dinning custom to only serve one butter plate every 4 feet at the Chancellors table.” The waiter replied
Senator Ask Aak became a little irate, “You will bring me some more butter, you overpaid busboy!”
“I am sorry sir, I cannot do that.” Smiled the waiter
TOO BUSY FOR BUTTER
“Do you know who I am?” Ask Aak questioned.
“You sir, you are Senator Ask Aak, primary spokesperson for the Palpatine Chancellery. Do you know who I am, sir?” The waiter said.
“No.” Ask Aak stated with exasperation.
“I’m the guy in charge of the butter.” The waited told him as he turned in left.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Drinking Games?
I have been called into my unit commander’s office.
Commander Badburns
“TK-266, it has come to our attention that some of the troopers went out last night. Were you with the groups?”
“Yes Sir, I was.”
“I have also heard that the unit drank heavily. Is that correct?”
“Depends on your definition of heavily, Sir”
He pulls out a data pad, “Let’s see …. Hmmm…. A bar tab of 1,800 credits for seven troopers. Sound heavy to me”
“We did pay the tab, Sir. And in our defense the drinks were expensive at that joint” I am glad I have my helmet on and he cannot see my face.
“Well the drinking is not the problem. It seems someone vandalized my neighborhood afterwards. Lot me show you a Holo of what was done.” The officer leans towards me and shows me the photo. “Do you have any idea who may have done this?”
Sand People couldn’t have done this – the shot are to precise.
“No Idea, Sir. It could be Separatist.” I try not to let a smirk in my voice
The officer just glared at me. “Or does this ring any bells for you?"
Officer Wonder Dog
I bite my tongue, “No Sir, but she looks great, don’t you think?”
“Bowser is a male you idiot. And I supposes you have no idea what this graffiti spray painted on the side of my house means.”
Tak Guevara?
“Uhhhhh …. More separatist, sir?”
I must remember not to drink that much in the future.
Commander Badburns
“TK-266, it has come to our attention that some of the troopers went out last night. Were you with the groups?”
“Yes Sir, I was.”
“I have also heard that the unit drank heavily. Is that correct?”
“Depends on your definition of heavily, Sir”
He pulls out a data pad, “Let’s see …. Hmmm…. A bar tab of 1,800 credits for seven troopers. Sound heavy to me”
“We did pay the tab, Sir. And in our defense the drinks were expensive at that joint” I am glad I have my helmet on and he cannot see my face.
“Well the drinking is not the problem. It seems someone vandalized my neighborhood afterwards. Lot me show you a Holo of what was done.” The officer leans towards me and shows me the photo. “Do you have any idea who may have done this?”
Sand People couldn’t have done this – the shot are to precise.
“No Idea, Sir. It could be Separatist.” I try not to let a smirk in my voice
The officer just glared at me. “Or does this ring any bells for you?"
Officer Wonder Dog
I bite my tongue, “No Sir, but she looks great, don’t you think?”
“Bowser is a male you idiot. And I supposes you have no idea what this graffiti spray painted on the side of my house means.”
Tak Guevara?
“Uhhhhh …. More separatist, sir?”
I must remember not to drink that much in the future.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
AMR 3: Leg 7, part duex
Tak is showing off the nightlife in loving downtown Beijing. Why is a clone from a galaxy from a far far away doing in China? The Amazing Mutant Race 3, Of course. Click here
AMR3: 7th leg- v 1.0
Come on over The Amazing Mutant Race 3 and watch Tak try his hand at deprogramming cultist. Click here
Monday, February 26, 2007
A Sweet Story
I was on patrol with a squad of Clone troopers, marching through the desert of Tatooine. We had been traveling for days, our water supply had run out, and we were on the brink of collapse.
I’VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A DEWBACK WITH NO NAME
And then suddenly, staggering over the crest of a large sand dune, we came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colorful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze. It was a Jawa encampment.
The Clone Troopers were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, we ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, we begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with little chocolates."
JUST DESSERTS?
Not to be deterred, the troopers move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
DID JAWA JIN MAKE THESE?
We move on, but as we look down the rows of stalls, we could see that every single stall was selling exactly the same thing. As we move along, asking for water, we got the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders took pity on us, and told about an oasis not far away, so we leave the market, and head for the oasis.
MOVING ON
As we were leaving, I turn to one of the other troopers and say "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."
I’VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A DEWBACK WITH NO NAME
And then suddenly, staggering over the crest of a large sand dune, we came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colorful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze. It was a Jawa encampment.
The Clone Troopers were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, we ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, we begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with little chocolates."
JUST DESSERTS?
Not to be deterred, the troopers move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
DID JAWA JIN MAKE THESE?
We move on, but as we look down the rows of stalls, we could see that every single stall was selling exactly the same thing. As we move along, asking for water, we got the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders took pity on us, and told about an oasis not far away, so we leave the market, and head for the oasis.
MOVING ON
As we were leaving, I turn to one of the other troopers and say "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."
Friday, February 23, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
It Is Time To Dance
GUEST POSTER: Oola: Dancer and Singer at Jabba The Hutt's Palace
TURN ON: BIG GUYS
TURN OFFS: BEING FED TO A RANCOR
The clones have invited me to be the singer/DJ at their annual dance off. I didn’t even know they danced. This should be great. I hope you like my first song, Jabba Got Back*
I like big Hutts and I can not lie
You other dancer can’t deny
That when Jabba waddles in with a itty bitty tail
And his round belly looking like a whale
WE LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE
You get sprung, wanna dance out your stuff
Cause you notice that Hut was stuffed
Deep in the G, he’s wearing
I’m hooked and can’t stop staring
Oh Jabba, I don’t want you to ignore
That I am not food for a Rancor
My home girls tried to warn me
But that sexy Hutt makes me feel so horny
DANCING OLD SCHOOL MANDOLORIAN STYLE
Ooh, Bump-o’slime-skin
You say you wanna me to bend
Well, use me, use me
‘Cause I ain’t you’re usual groupy
You’ve seen me dancin’
The heck with romancin’
I’ve got sweat and I’m wet
Chasing you like I’m a Fett
I’m tired of the holo’zines
Saying that skinny Hutts are the thing
Take the average dancer and ask her that
Hutts gotta pack much back
Jabba got back!
THAT’S THE WAY, UH HUH, WE LIKE IT.
See you at next years Clone Dance off!
*With apologies to Sir Mix A Lot
TURN ON: BIG GUYS
TURN OFFS: BEING FED TO A RANCOR
The clones have invited me to be the singer/DJ at their annual dance off. I didn’t even know they danced. This should be great. I hope you like my first song, Jabba Got Back*
I like big Hutts and I can not lie
You other dancer can’t deny
That when Jabba waddles in with a itty bitty tail
And his round belly looking like a whale
WE LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE
You get sprung, wanna dance out your stuff
Cause you notice that Hut was stuffed
Deep in the G, he’s wearing
I’m hooked and can’t stop staring
Oh Jabba, I don’t want you to ignore
That I am not food for a Rancor
My home girls tried to warn me
But that sexy Hutt makes me feel so horny
DANCING OLD SCHOOL MANDOLORIAN STYLE
Ooh, Bump-o’slime-skin
You say you wanna me to bend
Well, use me, use me
‘Cause I ain’t you’re usual groupy
You’ve seen me dancin’
The heck with romancin’
I’ve got sweat and I’m wet
Chasing you like I’m a Fett
I’m tired of the holo’zines
Saying that skinny Hutts are the thing
Take the average dancer and ask her that
Hutts gotta pack much back
Jabba got back!
THAT’S THE WAY, UH HUH, WE LIKE IT.
See you at next years Clone Dance off!
*With apologies to Sir Mix A Lot
Thursday, February 15, 2007
More Testing
The lastest memo from the brass
___________________________________
Memo
To: All Current and Potential Flight Personnel
From: Grand Army of the Republic Evaluation Office
Due to some recent issues with Flight Personnel, all member of the G.A.R. and The Republic Navy’s Flight team are required to complete the following evaluation test. Please return to the Evaluation office no later 48 hours after receiving this test. Do Not, repeat, Do Not send evaluation attached to a ‘flight diaper”.
1. Who of the following do you most resemble?
A. John Glenn
B. Scott Glenn
C. Glen Campbell
D. Glenn Close
2. Which of the following do you enjoy watching?
A. I Dream of Jeannie
B. CSI: Orlando
C. Desperate Housewives
D. Dog the Bounty Hunter
E. Three's Company
3. Which of the following items would you not bring on a road trip?
A. Brass knuckles
B. Teddy bear
C. Nunchaku sticks
D. Throwing stars
E. IEDs
4. Which of the following statements best describes the correct relationship between astronauts?
A. More than a working relationship, but less than a romantic one
B. More than a not-romantic relationship, but less than a body-fluid-exchanging one
C. More than a purely physical relationship, but less than one where we don't give each other enough space
D. More than having hot, steaming, bare-assed, mind-blowing sex while orbiting the Earth 250 miles above, but less than doing it on the surface of the moon
5. At the end of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the space ship piloted by Keir Dullea has apparently landed in a lavishly decorated parlor. Which of the following scenarios best describes to you what has happened?
A. The parlor represents the decorative ideal that the apes in the first scene were striving to articulate by clubbing each other with the jawbone.
B. Director Stanley Kubrick went totally off his nut.
C. What kind of astronaut name is "Keir Dullea," anyway? These are stupid questions. I don't have to talk to you. Leave me alone.
D. I said—leave me alone.
E. Won't listen, huh? Here, have some pepper spray.
6. When you hear the words "Houston, we have a problem," what's the first thing that comes to mind?
A. Malfunction in the retro-fire OMS rockets
B. Loss of ceramic heat-shield tiles on takeoff
C. Thruster malfunction in the reaction control system
D. Shuttle commander is attempting to boil crew member's bunny rabbit
7. A space shuttle travels at approximately 15,000 mph. A BB pellet has a velocity of about 50 feet per second. If a space shuttle were launched from Houston and a BB gun were fired simultaneously, which would hit the boyfriend-thieving bitch in the Orlando airport satellite parking lot first?
8. Complete the following sentence:
"Three—two—one …"
A. Ignition.
B. Ready or not, here I come!
C. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD, give it to me—now!
D. Roll down the window, Colleen.
* Test stolen entirely from Slate.com
___________________________________
Memo
To: All Current and Potential Flight Personnel
From: Grand Army of the Republic Evaluation Office
Due to some recent issues with Flight Personnel, all member of the G.A.R. and The Republic Navy’s Flight team are required to complete the following evaluation test. Please return to the Evaluation office no later 48 hours after receiving this test. Do Not, repeat, Do Not send evaluation attached to a ‘flight diaper”.
1. Who of the following do you most resemble?
A. John Glenn
B. Scott Glenn
C. Glen Campbell
D. Glenn Close
2. Which of the following do you enjoy watching?
A. I Dream of Jeannie
B. CSI: Orlando
C. Desperate Housewives
D. Dog the Bounty Hunter
E. Three's Company
3. Which of the following items would you not bring on a road trip?
A. Brass knuckles
B. Teddy bear
C. Nunchaku sticks
D. Throwing stars
E. IEDs
4. Which of the following statements best describes the correct relationship between astronauts?
A. More than a working relationship, but less than a romantic one
B. More than a not-romantic relationship, but less than a body-fluid-exchanging one
C. More than a purely physical relationship, but less than one where we don't give each other enough space
D. More than having hot, steaming, bare-assed, mind-blowing sex while orbiting the Earth 250 miles above, but less than doing it on the surface of the moon
5. At the end of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the space ship piloted by Keir Dullea has apparently landed in a lavishly decorated parlor. Which of the following scenarios best describes to you what has happened?
A. The parlor represents the decorative ideal that the apes in the first scene were striving to articulate by clubbing each other with the jawbone.
B. Director Stanley Kubrick went totally off his nut.
C. What kind of astronaut name is "Keir Dullea," anyway? These are stupid questions. I don't have to talk to you. Leave me alone.
D. I said—leave me alone.
E. Won't listen, huh? Here, have some pepper spray.
6. When you hear the words "Houston, we have a problem," what's the first thing that comes to mind?
A. Malfunction in the retro-fire OMS rockets
B. Loss of ceramic heat-shield tiles on takeoff
C. Thruster malfunction in the reaction control system
D. Shuttle commander is attempting to boil crew member's bunny rabbit
7. A space shuttle travels at approximately 15,000 mph. A BB pellet has a velocity of about 50 feet per second. If a space shuttle were launched from Houston and a BB gun were fired simultaneously, which would hit the boyfriend-thieving bitch in the Orlando airport satellite parking lot first?
8. Complete the following sentence:
"Three—two—one …"
A. Ignition.
B. Ready or not, here I come!
C. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD, give it to me—now!
D. Roll down the window, Colleen.
* Test stolen entirely from Slate.com
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
AMR3: once you got it up, keep it up
Tak is helping with Fertility and building shrines on The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Click here to see what is going on.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
A Cry For help?
Senator Aak Ask has called another press conference to an important “revelation”
SENATOR AAK ASK
Senator Aak Ask: I have called you all here today to address some of the rumors that have been swirling around the media. I want to let you all know the truth of the situations.
Reporter 1: What rumors? And why the truth now? *giggling form the press core*
Senator Aak Ask: You know you vultures have been circling, trying to find out about my affair with my campaign manager’s wife. I am here to admit that the rumors are true, but I only did it because I abuse Spice.
*mummers of confusion from the press* Reporter 2: Sir, didn’t that just happen to Javin Gnusun of Sa Fra’ soico? Are you just doing this as some kind of stunt?
Senator Aak Ask: No, Never. I had to get this off my chest and get into rehab. Maybe the Fetty Bord center on Alderaan?
Reporter 3: Senator, You don’t have a campaign manger, according to my records.
Reporter 2: Isn’t that the rehab center that Lisney Low Han is currently attending?
Senator Aak Ask: Uhhh, I meant I had a Spice induced rage that caused me to fight with the Coruscant Security Force. I told them I thought that the Wookies were the cause of all the wars in the Galaxy and called an officer Sugar thighs. I am a sick man, in need to goring to the Fetty Bord rehab center.
Reporter 1: That wasn’t you. That was Krell Gebbsun, the director of “The Passion of The Force”
Senator Aak Ask: *becoming agitated* “How about I wrote inappropriate Comm messages to youngling at the temple? Or I may have had an affair with this clone trooper and made him give me Spice!”
The reporters all turn to me and I shake my head ‘No’. The reporters start packing up and leaving.
Senator Aak Ask is still ranting “No, No don’t leave. You al have to report on my Spice addiction and my need to get into that rehab center. They only take famous people who get time on the Holo-net. Come on people! How else am I supposed to get to meet Ms. Low Han?"
Once again I am reminded of why I prefer battle duty.
SENATOR AAK ASK
Senator Aak Ask: I have called you all here today to address some of the rumors that have been swirling around the media. I want to let you all know the truth of the situations.
Reporter 1: What rumors? And why the truth now? *giggling form the press core*
Senator Aak Ask: You know you vultures have been circling, trying to find out about my affair with my campaign manager’s wife. I am here to admit that the rumors are true, but I only did it because I abuse Spice.
*mummers of confusion from the press* Reporter 2: Sir, didn’t that just happen to Javin Gnusun of Sa Fra’ soico? Are you just doing this as some kind of stunt?
Senator Aak Ask: No, Never. I had to get this off my chest and get into rehab. Maybe the Fetty Bord center on Alderaan?
Reporter 3: Senator, You don’t have a campaign manger, according to my records.
Reporter 2: Isn’t that the rehab center that Lisney Low Han is currently attending?
Senator Aak Ask: Uhhh, I meant I had a Spice induced rage that caused me to fight with the Coruscant Security Force. I told them I thought that the Wookies were the cause of all the wars in the Galaxy and called an officer Sugar thighs. I am a sick man, in need to goring to the Fetty Bord rehab center.
Reporter 1: That wasn’t you. That was Krell Gebbsun, the director of “The Passion of The Force”
Senator Aak Ask: *becoming agitated* “How about I wrote inappropriate Comm messages to youngling at the temple? Or I may have had an affair with this clone trooper and made him give me Spice!”
The reporters all turn to me and I shake my head ‘No’. The reporters start packing up and leaving.
Senator Aak Ask is still ranting “No, No don’t leave. You al have to report on my Spice addiction and my need to get into that rehab center. They only take famous people who get time on the Holo-net. Come on people! How else am I supposed to get to meet Ms. Low Han?"
Once again I am reminded of why I prefer battle duty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
