Happy Holidays

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM SANTA TROOPER

Not To Beat A Dead Horse...

The Lt. Commander went out to find that none of the Clone Troopers were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.


LT. COMMANDER CHECKING OUT THE TROOPS

"Sorry, Lt. Commander! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but it broke down, found a farm, bought a Taun Taun but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Lt. Commander was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the Clone Trooper was here so the Lt. Commander let him go.

Moments later, eight more Clone Troopers came up to the general panting; she asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, Lt. Commander! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but it broke down, found a farm, bought a Taun Taun but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Lt. Commander eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since she let the first guy go, she let them go, too.

The TK 266 jogged up to the Lt. Commander, panting heavily. "Sorry, Lt. Commander! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but..."

"Let me guess," the Lt. Commander interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the Tak "there were so many dead Taun Taun in the road, it took forever to get around them."


EWWW, A DEAD TAUN TAUN!!!

Who Wants to be a Supervillain: Finale

Happening now on Who want to be a super villain. (we Have to make a doomsday devise and take over China)

“Not bad ideas. I think we will use both of them in conjunction with mine. I call it the Duel Death Star!!!!!” I say with my best booming voice.

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Little Green Wisdom

I had been assigned to General Yoda before large battle.


“WHY BOTHERING ME, ARE YOU TROOPER?”

He was meditating before thing got under way and he let out a long sigh.

“General Yoda, what do you thing of the coming battle? What did you meditation tell you?” I asked

“Hard to see the future is. But lost this battle will be.” Yoda says sagely

“If the battle lost, then why should we should we fight it?” I reply

Yoda looks at me and fires up his light saber. “To find out who is the loser!”


COME ON MOFO, GET SOME

Super-Villain: taking over evil

Happening Now on Who Wants To Be A Super Villain

We had been going over different plans to take over an evil empire for the past two days, living on nothing but takeout and Starbucks coffee (note to self: do not let 11 year old evil girl scouts have a triple Carmel maccacitos.)

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Happy Thanksgiving

I'll be off to the Homeworld to have Thanksgiving dinner with the family and the in-laws. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.





(all three of you LOL)

Super-Villain: Looking for Housing

Happing Now on Who Wants To Be a Super-Villain
*****************************************************

Gabby thinks we should be out of the way on an Island. But Samantha worried about unruly lava flows and a lack of selling locations for cookies. I was worried about jedi fighting it out around the lair.


Run! Run from the Frosting slide


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Let Me Give You A Little Tip...

Special New Report from the Faux New Network.

The Faux News Network had recently heard rumors that Senator Padme Amidala hates poor people. While on a recent campaign trip to Tatooine, Senator Amidala stopped to eat a local diner and stiffed the waitress.


AT A DINER ON TATOOINE

Even though other networks are reporting that this is all misunderstandings, we here at Faux News have chose to ignore the fact and run with a little personal destruction.

During an interview with the waitress, Molly Nice, stated that she did not receive a tip from the Senator.


TAKING ORDERS, BUT NOT TIPS

When asked if she thought not getting a tip was proof that Senator Amidala was the greatest evil in the universe and a threat to everything we hold dear in the Republic, she replied, “No, I think she just forgot. She is a nice lady and I would vote for her.”

It is obvious that not getting a tip from Senator Amidala has crushed this poor woman soul and reason for living.


WORST PHOTOSHOP …. EVER

Local Representative to the Republic, Jawa Keysinitch, stated “This just show why we need universal health care. Did you just see that UFO? What we need to do is negotiate with Count Dooku and come to a peaceable solution. And furthermore my wife is hot!”

When reached for a comment Senator Amidala stated she had given a tip. “I told Miss Nice that her hairstyle had to go and gave her the name of my hairstylist. Duh, that the best tip of all.’


SHE DOES HAVE GREAT HAIR.

Faux New also contacted Master Yoda who responded by saying, “Nothing better you have to report? More important news, there isn’t? Balanced and Fair, is this? Why I watch the news not, is your fault.”

Tak's Caption Contest V 2.7

It is once again time for Tak's Caption Contest.

It is easy to play . Just put your funniest/lamest/profoundest caption on the picture.




I knew I could get around that writers strike!!

Who Want to be a Supervillain: Robbing a bank

Happing now on Who Wants To Be A Super-Villain

“Well OK then. Let get to the plan.” I say “Gabby, you and the gezzer patrol will set up in the park and do a civil war re-enactment show for the town folks. You be playing the part of the Connecticut 3rd Regiment Infantry….”

“Weren’t they out of New Haven?” Gabby asks “Is Star Hollow even near New Haven.”

“Ok, Gabby you guys can be the Connecticut 6th Regiment Infantry ….”

“But they were out of Hartford. Are we anywhere near Hartford?” Gabby asks again.
*********

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Strike that ...

It was a quiet day on patrol, so my squad decided to drop into the local Cantina to see if we could track down some rebel scum.

As we walked in to the place we see a Jedi, a Senator and a Wookie staring at us.


A LIZARD, A FUZZBALL AND COUSIN IT WALK IN TO A BAR …

“Tak, what are you doing?” whispers Master Yoda

“Uh, telling an amusing anecdote. Why are you interrupting me?” I ask

“So, the memo you did not get?” Yoda inquires


STOP, YOU MUST!

“No. No memo this morning. What did I forget to wash your speeder? I am sure I did that yesterday.” I reply

“Out the window, you must look. There, your future, will you see.” The green Jedi intones

I look out the window.


COULDN’T THEY HAVE WRITTEN BETTER SIGNS?

I look at Master Yoda with confusion.

“The writers have struck and so must you.” Yoda states.

“That doesn’t affect me. I am not a writer. Have you been reading the crap I put up here?” I start

Master Yoda looks at me, “Yes, crap it is. But better than most stuff on The CW. And get me started not on the fall line up on ABC. No, Stop you must. Re-runs and reality shows are all you can do. Go now.” He waves me out of the Cantina.

So here are some re-runs and a link to a reality show.

Tak’s Caption Contest

What I have learned being a Trooper

WHO WANT TO BE A SUPER-VILLAIN

More on crappy jobs

On one of the junk hole planets we liberated, I was assigned with two oath troopers the task of presenting the news on a planet wide board cast. Each trooper was assigned a “real” name to make the population connect better with us. I, TK 266 was called Terry, MD 598 was called Matthew and RT 111 was called Rudolf.


TK 266, Terry


RT 111, Rudolf


MD 598, Matthew

At the news station, a husband and wife team from Coruscant were told to figure out which of use would do the different jobs: Newscaster, Sports reporter and Weather Guy.

After banter it about for a while and testing all three of us out. The Wife decides that I should be the Sport reporter, Matthew should be the Newscaster and Rudolf should be the Weather Guy.

“Are you sure?” asked the husband.

“Not so much about the news caster and the sports reporter, but after that interview I am sure about the weather guy>” She replied

“The red one? Why?” Asked the Husband.

“Because” the wife beamed, “Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Who Want to be a Supervillain: Looking for help

This week I have to get some henchmen:

Help Wanted: Looking for motivated and skilled associates for less then lawful enterprise. Duties may include all sort of bad things. Good waged, Health care and Dental for all. Please apply in person on Friday at Villain Park near the Koma Center.



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I blame Vanilla

I have been having all sort of weird dreams lately. Most involve strange thing happing on different world.

In the most recent dream I was lost on the ice world of Hoth, Stranded on a narrow stretch of land between the two large continents.

There was a vicious storm that limited visibility to only 3 meters.


BRRRR HOTH IS ICE COLD.

I woke up in a cold sweat and realized I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

WWBV - the game show

Happing now on ‘WHO WANT TO BE A VILLAIN”

The Henchman just keeps shaking his head.

I try to break the silence “So do I sing Ice Ice Baby now? I've been practicing my Running Man dance.” .....



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Be careful how you say things ...

One of the more mind numbing and annoying assignment a Trooper can get is guard duty at the Republic Senate building.

The problems with the assignment are two-fold: having to talk to people all day and having to deal with the Senator from all over the galaxy.

It is bad enough having the deal with Senator Ask Aak, but deal with the lot of them all at once can be damaging to ones psyche. Here are examples from a typical day.

*************

AOC: Good day Senator Balkie. Hope the transport in was not to bad.

Senator Balkie: No, it was fine *begins to walk through the detector*

AOC: Senator, you forgot to slide you ID card through the slot *turns off the alarm*

Senator Balkie: Ha Ha, I do that a lot, I am getting forgetful at my age. *begins to slide the card wrong*

AOC: Turn the card over … no not that way …. The magnetic strip has to face me ….No turn the strip down …. No, strip down facing me …..Ahhhhh my eyes … that is not what I meant!!!!!











Sen.Balkie in the buff

After washing my eyes with Hydrogen Peroxide for an hour I was back to work.

I see Senator Lairee K-Reg move over to my line.

AOC: Good day Senator K-Reg. How was the flight in from Induomodo?


Sen. K-Reg and his wide stance on the issues.

Senator K-Reg: It was just awful, with the exception of the stop over on Mimban. Great restrooms there.

AOC: Uhhh, Yeah.

Senator K-Reg: Did you know TK-266, that TK is a common middle name on Indumodo?

AOC: No, Sir I did not.

Senator K-Reg: Any chance you are part Imdumodoian?

AOC: No Sir, I don’t think so.

Senator K-Reg: Maybe you have a little Indumodoina in you? What do you think?

AOC: I do not believe so, sir.

Senator K-Reg: *leaning in close* would you like to have a little Indumdoian in you? *he winks*

AOC: *sighs* Senator, for the 37th time, no.

********************


I wish I was killing droids.

Don't Ask Aak, Don't Tell

Once again I have been assigned to Senator Ask Aak's detail. This assignment did not seem to be too bad. It turns out that the Senator is an avid, but lousy hunter. Every year he travels to different world with his hunting buddy to try and bag some big game.


MY FAVORITE BIG LAME HUNTER (Sen. Aak)

Senator Ask Aak informed me that he and his buddy will be hunting Krayt Dragons on Tattoine. They had a successful hunt on the planet several years ago. My job will be to pilot the two “hunters” around planet side.

We head out into the Dune Sea, traveling for several days. Senator Ask Aak finally tells me to set down in a barren valley that he remembers from his last trip.

I set up a base camp at the skiff, while the Senator and his buddy head off into the desert. I spend a peaceful two day on my own (only contemplating leaving the Senator to perish in the Dune Sea once or twice).


JUST FRACKING KRAYT

I get a com call to come pick-up the Senator. As I land at the site I see a massive Krayt Dragon and both men with big smiles.

We begin to load the dead beast on to the skiff, but I start to get worried about the weight of the beast.

“Senator, I don’t think we can take this thing out of here on the skiff. It is just too big.” I explain

The Senator’s buddy replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last time, but in the end we took out a Krayt bigger then this one."

All three of us argued for several minutes more. I finally gave up and agreed to fly everything out.We load up the Krayt and fire up the skiff.

The skiff shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the off the ground. We are flying low and I try to pull the skiff higher to get out of the valley and crash into a large sand dune.

The three of us, dazed and confused, make there way out of the wreckage.

I look at the two of then and snap, "Where the heck are we?"

The Senator looks around, "About half a mile further than we got last time!"

Womp Rats, Jawas and Spies Oh My

I was on patrol on Tattoine, when I saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style Mud Hut:

Talking Womp Rat for Sale

I hop out of my rig, bang on the door and a Jawa appears and tells me the Womp Rat is in the back. I go into the back and see a ugly looking Womp Rat sitting there.


BUT CAN HE CONVERSE OR IS HE JUST A LIMBAUGH

"You talk?" I asks.

"Yep," the Womp Rat replies.

After I recover from the shock of hearing a Womp Rat talk, I ask "So, what's your story?"

The Womp Rat looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Chancellor and he had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The Grand Army of The Republic... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Rats."

In no time at all they had me jetting from planet to planet, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a Womp Rat would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the G.A.R (8 Womp Rat years is 56 G.A.R years) and signed up for a job at the spaceport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a litter of baby Womps, and now I'm just retired."

I was amazed. I go back in and ask the Jawa what he wants for the Womp Rat.

"Ten Credits," the Jawa says.

"Ten Credits? This Rat is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Republic Navy!"

Beer is good

I was in a Cantina on Coruscant. I walk up to the bar at the same moment that a Senator and a Jawa approached.

Simultaneously, all three of us ordered a beer. The bartender let out a little laugh and then pours three drafts.

As we get our beers, we all notice bugs floating in the foam.


It is doing the breast stroke?

The Senator wrinkles his nose, pushes his beer away and says “Bartender, what kind of establishment are you running. I am appalled.

I snort my displeasure at the Senator, flick the fly out of the beer, slam it down in one go and mutter “pansy”

Meanwhile the Jawa snatches up fly, begins to smack the fly on the back, while screaming “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT”

51 Days Later ...

I was on leave and relaxing on Corellia. While me and several other Troopers were enjoying some Ale at a local tavern, when the door burst open in come four exuberant Corellian Marines.

They go to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. After getting their order over, they sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"


GUESS THEY DON’T HAVE THAT WHOLE “NO FACIAL HAIR” RULE

Soon four more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally the last two Marine comes in, one with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

I can't contain my curiosity any longer, so I walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle. The frenzy dies down as I approach and ask asks one of the Marines, "What’s all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that the Corellian Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."


MAN, THESE GUYS ARE LAMER THAN I THOUGHT.