A Army of (Cl)one

Happy Holidays

2007-12-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM SANTA TROOPER

Not To Beat A Dead Horse...

2007-12-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

The Lt. Commander went out to find that none of the Clone Troopers were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

LT. COMMANDER CHECKING OUT THE TROOPS

"Sorry, Lt. Commander! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but it broke down, found a farm, bought a Taun Taun but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Lt. Commander was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the Clone Trooper was here so the Lt. Commander let him go.

Moments later, eight more Clone Troopers came up to the general panting; she asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, Lt. Commander! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but it broke down, found a farm, bought a Taun Taun but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Lt. Commander eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since she let the first guy go, she let them go, too.

The TK 266 jogged up to the Lt. Commander, panting heavily. "Sorry, Lt. Commander! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the Shuttle but missed it, I hailed a speeder but..."

"Let me guess," the Lt. Commander interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the Tak "there were so many dead Taun Taun in the road, it took forever to get around them."

EWWW, A DEAD TAUN TAUN!!!

Who Wants to be a Supervillain: Finale

2007-12-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

Happening now on Who want to be a super villain. (we Have to make a doomsday devise and take over China)

“Not bad ideas. I think we will use both of them in conjunction with mine. I call it the Duel Death Star!!!!!” I say with my best booming voice.

Click here to read more

Little Green Wisdom

2007-11-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

I had been assigned to General Yoda before large battle.

“WHY BOTHERING ME, ARE YOU TROOPER?”

He was meditating before thing got under way and he let out a long sigh.

“General Yoda, what do you thing of the coming battle? What did you meditation tell you?” I asked

“Hard to see the future is. But lost this battle will be.” Yoda says sagely

“If the battle lost, then why should we should we fight it?” I reply

Yoda looks at me and fires up his light saber. “To find out who is the loser!”

COME ON MOFO, GET SOME

Super-Villain: taking over evil

2007-11-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Happening Now on Who Wants To Be A Super Villain

We had been going over different plans to take over an evil empire for the past two days, living on nothing but takeout and Starbucks coffee (note to self: do not let 11 year old evil girl scouts have a triple Carmel maccacitos.)

Click here to find out more

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'll be off to the Homeworld to have Thanksgiving dinner with the family and the in-laws. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

(all three of you LOL)

Super-Villain: Looking for Housing

2007-11-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Happing Now on Who Wants To Be a Super-Villain
*****************************************************

Gabby thinks we should be out of the way on an Island. But Samantha worried about unruly lava flows and a lack of selling locations for cookies. I was worried about jedi fighting it out around the lair.

Run! Run from the Frosting slide

Click here to read more.

Let Me Give You A Little Tip...

2007-11-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

Special New Report from the Faux New Network.

The Faux News Network had recently heard rumors that Senator Padme Amidala hates poor people. While on a recent campaign trip to Tatooine, Senator Amidala stopped to eat a local diner and stiffed the waitress.

AT A DINER ON TATOOINE

Even though other networks are reporting that this is all misunderstandings, we here at Faux News have chose to ignore the fact and run with a little personal destruction.

During an interview with the waitress, Molly Nice, stated that she did not receive a tip from the Senator.

TAKING ORDERS, BUT NOT TIPS

When asked if she thought not getting a tip was proof that Senator Amidala was the greatest evil in the universe and a threat to everything we hold dear in the Republic, she replied, “No, I think she just forgot. She is a nice lady and I would vote for her.”

It is obvious that not getting a tip from Senator Amidala has crushed this poor woman soul and reason for living.

WORST PHOTOSHOP …. EVER

Local Representative to the Republic, Jawa Keysinitch, stated “This just show why we need universal health care. Did you just see that UFO? What we need to do is negotiate with Count Dooku and come to a peaceable solution. And furthermore my wife is hot!”

When reached for a comment Senator Amidala stated she had given a tip. “I told Miss Nice that her hairstyle had to go and gave her the name of my hairstylist. Duh, that the best tip of all.’

SHE DOES HAVE GREAT HAIR.

Faux New also contacted Master Yoda who responded by saying, “Nothing better you have to report? More important news, there isn’t? Balanced and Fair, is this? Why I watch the news not, is your fault.”

Tak's Caption Contest V 2.7

2007-11-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

It is once again time for Tak's Caption Contest.

It is easy to play . Just put your funniest/lamest/profoundest caption on the picture.

I knew I could get around that writers strike!!

Who Want to be a Supervillain: Robbing a bank

2007-11-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

Happing now on Who Wants To Be A Super-Villain

“Well OK then. Let get to the plan.” I say “Gabby, you and the gezzer patrol will set up in the park and do a civil war re-enactment show for the town folks. You be playing the part of the Connecticut 3rd Regiment Infantry….”

“Weren’t they out of New Haven?” Gabby asks “Is Star Hollow even near New Haven.”

“Ok, Gabby you guys can be the Connecticut 6th Regiment Infantry ….”

“But they were out of Hartford. Are we anywhere near Hartford?” Gabby asks again.
*********

Click here to read more

Strike that ...

2007-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

It was a quiet day on patrol, so my squad decided to drop into the local Cantina to see if we could track down some rebel scum.

As we walked in to the place we see a Jedi, a Senator and a Wookie staring at us.

A LIZARD, A FUZZBALL AND COUSIN IT WALK IN TO A BAR …

“Tak, what are you doing?” whispers Master Yoda

“Uh, telling an amusing anecdote. Why are you interrupting me?” I ask

“So, the memo you did not get?” Yoda inquires

STOP, YOU MUST!

“No. No memo this morning. What did I forget to wash your speeder? I am sure I did that yesterday.” I reply

“Out the window, you must look. There, your future, will you see.” The green Jedi intones

I look out the window.

COULDN’T THEY HAVE WRITTEN BETTER SIGNS?

I look at Master Yoda with confusion.

“The writers have struck and so must you.” Yoda states.

“That doesn’t affect me. I am not a writer. Have you been reading the crap I put up here?” I start

Master Yoda looks at me, “Yes, crap it is. But better than most stuff on The CW. And get me started not on the fall line up on ABC. No, Stop you must. Re-runs and reality shows are all you can do. Go now.” He waves me out of the Cantina.

So here are some re-runs and a link to a reality show.

Tak’s Caption Contest

What I have learned being a Trooper

WHO WANT TO BE A SUPER-VILLAIN

More on crappy jobs

2007-11-01T12:26:00.001-07:00

On one of the junk hole planets we liberated, I was assigned with two oath troopers the task of presenting the news on a planet wide board cast. Each trooper was assigned a “real” name to make the population connect better with us. I, TK 266 was called Terry, MD 598 was called Matthew and RT 111 was called Rudolf.

TK 266, Terry

RT 111, Rudolf

MD 598, Matthew

At the news station, a husband and wife team from Coruscant were told to figure out which of use would do the different jobs: Newscaster, Sports reporter and Weather Guy.

After banter it about for a while and testing all three of us out. The Wife decides that I should be the Sport reporter, Matthew should be the Newscaster and Rudolf should be the Weather Guy.

“Are you sure?” asked the husband.

“Not so much about the news caster and the sports reporter, but after that interview I am sure about the weather guy>” She replied

“The red one? Why?” Asked the Husband.

“Because” the wife beamed, “Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Who Want to be a Supervillain: Looking for help

2007-11-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

This week I have to get some henchmen:

Help Wanted: Looking for motivated and skilled associates for less then lawful enterprise. Duties may include all sort of bad things. Good waged, Health care and Dental for all. Please apply in person on Friday at Villain Park near the Koma Center.

Click here to read more

I blame Vanilla

2007-10-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

I have been having all sort of weird dreams lately. Most involve strange thing happing on different world.

In the most recent dream I was lost on the ice world of Hoth, Stranded on a narrow stretch of land between the two large continents.

There was a vicious storm that limited visibility to only 3 meters.

BRRRR HOTH IS ICE COLD.

I woke up in a cold sweat and realized I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

WWBV - the game show

2007-10-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

Happing now on ‘WHO WANT TO BE A VILLAIN”

The Henchman just keeps shaking his head.

I try to break the silence “So do I sing Ice Ice Baby now? I've been practicing my Running Man dance.” .....

Click here to find out more.

Be careful how you say things ...

2007-10-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

One of the more mind numbing and annoying assignment a Trooper can get is guard duty at the Republic Senate building.

The problems with the assignment are two-fold: having to talk to people all day and having to deal with the Senator from all over the galaxy.

It is bad enough having the deal with Senator Ask Aak, but deal with the lot of them all at once can be damaging to ones psyche. Here are examples from a typical day.

*************

AOC: Good day Senator Balkie. Hope the transport in was not to bad.

Senator Balkie: No, it was fine *begins to walk through the detector*

AOC: Senator, you forgot to slide you ID card through the slot *turns off the alarm*

Senator Balkie: Ha Ha, I do that a lot, I am getting forgetful at my age. *begins to slide the card wrong*

AOC: Turn the card over … no not that way …. The magnetic strip has to face me ….No turn the strip down …. No, strip down facing me …..Ahhhhh my eyes … that is not what I meant!!!!!

Sen.Balkie in the buff

After washing my eyes with Hydrogen Peroxide for an hour I was back to work.

I see Senator Lairee K-Reg move over to my line.

AOC: Good day Senator K-Reg. How was the flight in from Induomodo?

Sen. K-Reg and his wide stance on the issues.

Senator K-Reg: It was just awful, with the exception of the stop over on Mimban. Great restrooms there.

AOC: Uhhh, Yeah.

Senator K-Reg: Did you know TK-266, that TK is a common middle name on Indumodo?

AOC: No, Sir I did not.

Senator K-Reg: Any chance you are part Imdumodoian?

AOC: No Sir, I don’t think so.

Senator K-Reg: Maybe you have a little Indumodoina in you? What do you think?

AOC: I do not believe so, sir.

Senator K-Reg: *leaning in close* would you like to have a little Indumdoian in you? *he winks*

AOC: *sighs* Senator, for the 37th time, no.

********************

I wish I was killing droids.

Don't Ask Aak, Don't Tell

2007-10-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Once again I have been assigned to Senator Ask Aak's detail. This assignment did not seem to be too bad. It turns out that the Senator is an avid, but lousy hunter. Every year he travels to different world with his hunting buddy to try and bag some big game.

MY FAVORITE BIG LAME HUNTER (Sen. Aak)

Senator Ask Aak informed me that he and his buddy will be hunting Krayt Dragons on Tattoine. They had a successful hunt on the planet several years ago. My job will be to pilot the two “hunters” around planet side.

We head out into the Dune Sea, traveling for several days. Senator Ask Aak finally tells me to set down in a barren valley that he remembers from his last trip.

I set up a base camp at the skiff, while the Senator and his buddy head off into the desert. I spend a peaceful two day on my own (only contemplating leaving the Senator to perish in the Dune Sea once or twice).

JUST FRACKING KRAYT

I get a com call to come pick-up the Senator. As I land at the site I see a massive Krayt Dragon and both men with big smiles.

We begin to load the dead beast on to the skiff, but I start to get worried about the weight of the beast.

“Senator, I don’t think we can take this thing out of here on the skiff. It is just too big.” I explain

The Senator’s buddy replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last time, but in the end we took out a Krayt bigger then this one."

All three of us argued for several minutes more. I finally gave up and agreed to fly everything out.We load up the Krayt and fire up the skiff.

The skiff shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the off the ground. We are flying low and I try to pull the skiff higher to get out of the valley and crash into a large sand dune.

The three of us, dazed and confused, make there way out of the wreckage.

I look at the two of then and snap, "Where the heck are we?"

The Senator looks around, "About half a mile further than we got last time!"

Womp Rats, Jawas and Spies Oh My

2007-10-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

I was on patrol on Tattoine, when I saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style Mud Hut:

Talking Womp Rat for Sale

I hop out of my rig, bang on the door and a Jawa appears and tells me the Womp Rat is in the back. I go into the back and see a ugly looking Womp Rat sitting there.

BUT CAN HE CONVERSE OR IS HE JUST A LIMBAUGH

"You talk?" I asks.

"Yep," the Womp Rat replies.

After I recover from the shock of hearing a Womp Rat talk, I ask "So, what's your story?"

The Womp Rat looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Chancellor and he had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The Grand Army of The Republic... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Rats."

In no time at all they had me jetting from planet to planet, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a Womp Rat would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the G.A.R (8 Womp Rat years is 56 G.A.R years) and signed up for a job at the spaceport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a litter of baby Womps, and now I'm just retired."

I was amazed. I go back in and ask the Jawa what he wants for the Womp Rat.

"Ten Credits," the Jawa says.

"Ten Credits? This Rat is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Republic Navy!"

Beer is good

2007-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was in a Cantina on Coruscant. I walk up to the bar at the same moment that a Senator and a Jawa approached.

Simultaneously, all three of us ordered a beer. The bartender let out a little laugh and then pours three drafts.

As we get our beers, we all notice bugs floating in the foam.

It is doing the breast stroke?

The Senator wrinkles his nose, pushes his beer away and says “Bartender, what kind of establishment are you running. I am appalled.

I snort my displeasure at the Senator, flick the fly out of the beer, slam it down in one go and mutter “pansy”

Meanwhile the Jawa snatches up fly, begins to smack the fly on the back, while screaming “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT”

51 Days Later ...

2007-09-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was on leave and relaxing on Corellia. While me and several other Troopers were enjoying some Ale at a local tavern, when the door burst open in come four exuberant Corellian Marines.

They go to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. After getting their order over, they sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

GUESS THEY DON’T HAVE THAT WHOLE “NO FACIAL HAIR” RULE

Soon four more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally the last two Marine comes in, one with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

I can't contain my curiosity any longer, so I walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle. The frenzy dies down as I approach and ask asks one of the Marines, "What’s all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that the Corellian Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."

MAN, THESE GUYS ARE LAMER THAN I THOUGHT.

The Ooteeni Tour

2007-09-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Senator Ask Aak was on a goodwill tour of the Outer Rim and stopped on Tattoine. As Usual I am performing security duty for the Senator.

SENATOR ASK AAK – GIVING GOODWILL

Our first stop was a Bantha farm run by Jawas. The Senator was a little surprised to hear that Jawas were into ranching, being that Jawas are know for being scrape dealers. I informed him that Jawas are involved in many economic pursuits and before he asked clued him in that not all Jawas were Dray.

FARMING AND NOT DRAY

Once some of the Jawas had gathered around, Senator Ask Aak began his goodwill speech.

“My Friends, I stand here today to bring you greeting from the Republic. We want to expand the goodness of the Republic to worlds like yours, so as to enrich all of our lives.”

The Jawas erupt into cheers of “Ooteeni, Ooteeni!!”

The Senator continues, pleased by the cheers “Working together we can bring forth peace and prosperity to the Galaxy …”

More cheers “Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni!”

“And you my little droid loving friends will be at the forefront of our thought as we more towards this Glorious future!” Senator Ask Aak thunders on

“Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni, Ooteeni” the Jaws thunder back.

TAKING THE BANTHA TOUR

After the speech we tehn take a tour of the Bantha Ranch. As we wander through one of the sand “pastures” I warn the Senator “Watch out that you don’t step in any of the Ooteeni or you’ll never get that smell of your shoes.”

Wookie Droppings

2007-09-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was stationed on the Wookie home world of Kashyyyk. The place is a jungle and the Wookie live in grass and wood home built high in the trees.

WATCH OUT FOR WOOKIE DROPPINGS

In the area I was patrolling there were several Wookie clans that have been fighting each other. One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized possession of the enemy's chief.

After a particularly fierce fight a rich clan was defeated. The cheif of the defeated clan had a prized solid gold throne.

LOOKS MORE LIKE AN EWOK THROWN

The winning clan took the throne, and put it in the loft in their chief’s house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a home build of grass and wood, and it fell right through the platform, falling 250 feet onto the chief, killing him instantly.

My squad was called into the Wookie’s village to check out the problem and make an assessment.

MAKING MY REPORT

After reviewing all the facts I called my commander and told him the bottom line was people who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones

I Missed This Night At The Bar

2007-09-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

An Abyssin walked in to a cantina, ordered an Ol’ Mos Elsey beer. After drinking it down in one gulp, He turns to the crowd and says “I’m the toughest SOB you loser will ever see. You have better watch out or you may just lose you life.”

HE HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF AN ASS IN HIS NAME.

The rest of the Cantina stares for a moment, then goes back to their drinking.

The Abyssin walks over to a Bith and shouts “Who’s the toughest guy in this stinkin’ joint!!”

Terrified the Bith stutter “You are, mighty warrior.”

HAD THE BITH SCARED OUT OF HIM.

Next the Abyssin grabs a Rodin by the collar and barks “Who is the toughest guy in the rat hole of a bar!”

The Rodin, shaking in his boots whimpers, “Oh Sir, you are the toughest being here.”

FEELING A LITTLE BLUE AFTER HIS ENCOUNTER WITH THE BULLY

Finally the Abyssin swaggers over to a wookie and bellow “Who is the toughest Mo-Fo in the junky little cantina!’

Fast as lightning, the Wookie snatches up the Abyssin by his legs, slams him against a table half a dozen times leaving the Abyssin feeling like he’d been run over by a space freighter. The Wookie then stomps on the Abyssin till it looks like a tortilla, finishes his drink and ambles away.

ALL HE WANTED WAS A DRINK AND A FLEA BATH

The Abyssin lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the Wookie - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

I Wish I Had A Mai Tai

2007-09-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was on patrol riding a Bantha through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life, due to the fact I was a little lost.

WHERE DID THESE GUYS GO?

My supplies were running low when the Bantha died. Now on foot, I desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.

Suddenly, I came across a Jawa vendor in the middle of the desert.

CHECK OUT MY SALE RACK

"Thank the force I found you!" I cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."

"Well," said the Jawa, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" I asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

I left the Jawa and walked on for many more miles, hoping each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.

Suddenly I spotted a Jawa restaurant in the distance.

Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, I assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. A

As I approached the door, I was amazed to see the place actually existed.

WHO WOULD OPEN A RESTAURANT OUT HERE

The Jawa doorman stopped me before I entered.

DANG IT! A BOUNCER!

"Excuse me sir," the Jawa said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"

"Riding" Betty

2007-09-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

I had been station with a small unit on the dessert world of Tattoine. For 30 miles in any direction was nothing but sand and hot and more sand. As were we in the middle of the “Sandstorm” season, most of our vehicles were out of commission.

After about a month, we were assigned a new Republic Officer. He was some poor junior grade who must have pissed off someone up the chain of command to get this assignment.

It was my job to show him around and answer his questions.

“So Trooper,” the Officer inquired, “How do you do patrols without vehicles? You can’t go far on foot?”

“We have been given a group of Banthas, Sir” I see his confusion; someone didn’t do his home work. “A native animal of large size, which is accustomed to the heat and used by the locals as a primary mode of transportation.”

HEARD OF BANTHA? NO. YOU DID NOT DO YOUR HOMEWORK AS WELL I SEE.

The Officer nods and we continue the tour of the outpost. Towards the end I see the Officer is trying to work up the nerve to ask a question.

“Ummm, Trooper. What about …..errrr…. well …. Companionship?” the officer asks with hesitation.

“You mean sex, sir?” I reply

He turns a little red and nods his head.

“The Troopers have to take matter in to their own hands, so to speak. But the officer can use Betty.” I explain

“Oh, I see the base has a concubine. Very good.” The Officer smiles.

I laugh “No, Sir. Betty is one of the Banthas.”

“What?!?!?! …. That’s …. What?. Your dismissed trooper” The officer barks at me, turns and storms off to the officer quarters.

At the end of the officer's first week I am on late night guard duty, when I see the young officer walking across the compound carrying a ladder. He heads into the stable and come out 20 minutes later.

“Trooper,” he hails “You know what, that Betty is not half bad. It took a while to figure out how to … well you know, but that is what the ladder was for. I think I might have another go next week.” He gives me a thumbs up.

I look at him askance and say “What you like to do is up to you Sir, but most of the other officers ride Betty into town, go to the cantina and hit on the locals.”

Not that there is anything wrong with that ...

2007-08-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

Once again I am performing guard duty at press conference, but not for Senator Ask Aak. Thank goodness for small favor! Apparently the ambassador from Naboo, Sio Bibble, is speaking about some kind of recent problem. I am hoping it is something cool like a new trade war on Naboo.

************************************************************************

Sio Bibble: I am glad you have all come here today so we can clear up some misconceptions about recent events …..

Coming Clean?

Reporter 1: You mean about you getting arrested and fined for hanging out in Men’s rooms at the Coruscant Space terminal?

Reporter 2: Yeah, because that is what we want to talk about! Is it true that you were attempting something torrid with the attending service droid?

Sio Bibble (turning a red): That is untrue! It just when drying my hands I happen to have a wide stance. I may have bumped the service droid with my foot.

Funny, he doesn’t look Dray

Reporter 1: But the report I read said you weren’t wearing any pants. What do you have to day about that?

Sio Bibble: Oh that. Well, when I bumped the service droid, it spilled soap all over my robes and I took them off to clean them in the sink. Simple enough. But back to my main point, I did nothing wrong.

Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you are Dray?

Sio Bibble (looking furtive): I am afraid I don’t know what Dray means. I am just a simple Ambassador from a small system. I don’t know the strange ways and words of Coruscant.

Reporter 3: Dray is someone who has an unnatural attraction to droids. And I find it hard to beleive that you don’t know what Dray means. You spend a lot of time, as Ambassador, traveling to various worlds. In fact you have travled to Coruscant at least 48 time in the last several years, with almost every visit coinciding with a with a visit to Droid factories.

Sio Bibble: Well….. ummmm….. errrr… I can explain that …..

Reporter 1: And what about this news report from 25 years ago, linking you to a Spice and Dray ring in the Naboo Senate.

OK, he looks a little Dray

Sio Bibble: Hey, No fair! No charges were ever brought. I was cleared of everything. The droids involved had their memories wiped …. I mean I never did anything wrong.

Reporter 2: What about reports that you have caught asking droids, and I quote, “Hey goldenrod, do you need a good polishing?”

Sio Bibble: Oh so now I am on trial for wanted to make sure droids are clean? Let me just say without any reservation that I am not Dray! I have never been Dray. I have been opposed to the Dray movement and will not speak any further on the subject!!!

Bibble storms off the stage as the reporter’s high-five each other over their good luck on a slow news day.

I am not the Paparizzi

2007-08-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I heard a rumor that after Death or rejoining the force or whatever you want to call it, some powerful Jedi can materialize. It apparently is a way for them to pass their wisdom on to other, even after death.

I had a little bit of leave coming to me and decided to act as a “ghost” hunter. I would find places strong with the force and snap a few photos.

I found a place deep on a forest moon and was able to find not one, but three ethereal Jedi. Not only were they ok with me trying to take their picture, but they even posed for me. I took 4 pictures before they disappeared. The jungle was dark and I hoped my flash bulbs worked well.

Back home, I swung by the Jedi Temple to use their dark room and show the Jedi what I had done. General Kenobi and Master Skywalker were with me when I developed the photos.

I looked at the two Jedi “but honest, I had pictures of ghost Jedi, they even posed for me!”

General Kenobi patted me on the shoulder to comfort me and said “It looked like the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

TAGGED

2007-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Novy, (LINK) tagged me for this Meme....And the first thing you have to do is post the rules of it before you do anything else...So, here they are:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

I don’t have a middle name, so I will go with TAK (short for TK 266)

T: Talkative. I am the chattiest clone you will ever meet. I am know as the chatty clone, the talkative trooper, the gossiping gunner, the communicative clone, the multiloquent military man, the gregarious guard …. You get the point.

A: Amusing. Some people find me and my writing amusing.

K: Killer. I have been know to mangle, murder and otherwise do damage to the English language. Some of my misspelling have been so horrendous, that English major have been know to fling themselves of high building in the hopes of crushing me with their bodies and stop me be for I kill some poor word.

I tag:

Henchy
JJ
And
DJK

Lives Hang In The Balance Sheet.

2007-08-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

I stopped by my favorite Cantina on Tattoine, when I noticed JJ the Jawa sitting alone and drinking.

JJ LOOKING SAD. (I think)

I approached him and notice he looked down. "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My Uncle died three months ago," JJ said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," I replied.

"Then two months ago," JJ continued, "My grandfather died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two male relatives gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." I said, in commiseration.

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." JJ continued

"Three close family members lost in three months? I can see why you are sad." I replied

"Then this month," continued JJ, "absolutely nothing! So I am drinking to mourn the loss of income"

Jawas!!!

Pithy or Pissy?

2007-08-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

Another Trooper and I were on a "hearts and minds" patrol on a planet in the Outer Rim. It was a peaceful mission, just to show the flag and show that the Republic cared about the Rim Scum.

We were surprised how much the local had worked to make the Grand Army of the Republic feel at home. They had even set up special restrooms for us, which is great.

Is it for Troopers only?

We were in the midst of using one of the facilities, when a Republic Naval officer came into the restroom. He stared at us for a moment and then barked, “ Trooper it is customary to salute a superior when they enter a room?”

We both turned and gave the WTF stare.

Thank Goodness he cannot see our faces.

We finish our business, give a sharp salute and went to leave the restroom.

“Trooper, In the Republic Navy we are taught to wash our hand after using the bathroom!” he said with a sneer.

“Yes, I know sir, but in the Grand Army of the Republic we were trained not to piss on our hands.” I replied with a nod as we walked out.

Of Farm Girls and Broken Hearts

2007-08-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was having a drink in a local cantina frequented by Clone Troopers, when I spotted DL 156. I heard he had just returned from a mission on Dantooine, a farming world.

As he came over to have a drink with me, I noticed he looked a little down.

“What the matter? Why the hangdog look?” I asked

“I met a farm girl on Dantooine.” DL 156 replied, and then sighed.

“That sounds like good news. Did she not like you or spurn your advanced?” I inquired

“Not at all. She seemed great. We would go on long walks and just talk. Every spare minute I had in the last two months I spent with her. We were even talking of marriage after my tour was up.” DL 156 told me.

“Uh, you know our tours are never up? We were made for this job. But never mind all that, what happened to make you look so forlorn?”

“Well” DL 156 started, “On my way back to Coruscant, she sent me a holo message. She said our time together was great, but she was going to marry the local Tractor salesman. He would be able to give here a better life, she said.”

DL 156 shoulders slumped as he handed me the data pad.

I looked incredulously at DL 156 and said “So what you are telling me is you are sad because you got a John Deere letter?”

I Guess He Had More Pull

New Regulations and more of why I hate Pilots.

2007-08-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

New Training Standards for the Grand Army of the Republic and the Republic Navy.

Coruscant - (CNN) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:
Clone Troopers-heads will be shaved.
Corellian Marines-f lat-tops for all recruits.
Republic Navy- no haircut standard.
Republic Pilots-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Clone Troopers-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Corellian Marines-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Republic Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Republic Pilots-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, and training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Clone Troopers-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Corellian Marines-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Republic Navy-3 hot meals.
Republic Pilots-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Clone Troopers-none.
Corellian Marines-4 hours a week.
Republic Navy-2 days a week.
Republic Pilots-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Clone Troopers-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).
Corellian Marines-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.
Republic Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Republic Pilots-all Republic Pilots personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Clone Troopers-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.
Corellian Marines-medals and badges are awarded for every Laser fired, hand thermal detonator thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Republic Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.
Republic Pilots-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Clone Troopers-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations. (except in condition where wearing White Armor make you stand out more)
Corellian Marines-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Republic Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our officers.
Republic Pilots-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.

CAREER FIELDS:
Clone Troopers-all Clone Troopers shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Corellian Marines-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Republic Navy-nobody knows. Republic Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Republic Pilots-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

A Bad Tern Of Events

2007-08-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was caught AWOL as I tried to sneak on board my ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied me and ordered me to stop.

Upon hearing my lame explanation for my tardiness, the officer yelled at me, "Take this broom and sweep every com-link on this ship by morning or it's the brig for you! It better be clean before we head into space"

Dirty Com-Links

I began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As I began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle.

I yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. I picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of the hatch. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed out the hatch.

All night long I went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. I couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the com-link once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

A Tern For the Worst

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on me.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This Com-links are no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, Trooper?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," I reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

I Like Political Reform

2007-08-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have been assigned to another of Senator Aak Ask press conferences. Some days you just whish you could be being shot at by droids and Ewoks. *sigh*

*Senator Aak Ask approaches the podium*

Senator Aak Ask

“I have called this press conference today to discuss ethics and corruption reform in the Galactic Senate. As many of you know I have been a long time supporter of cleaning up the ethics problems in the Senate, and as such I have introduced ….”

A report from the Coruscant News Network (CNN) shouts out a question. “Senator, how can you say you have been a long time supporter of ethics reform when you have voted against every single reform measure in the past 20 years and have been under investigation at least 6 times for abuse of the budget program?”

Senator Aak Ask looks annoyed, but responds to the question. “I am glad you brought up the subject of hiding thins n the Senate Budget. Those items, known as Earmarks, have caused a lot of problems …”

“For the Senators!” one reporter say to raucous laughter.

The Senator look more annoyed, but continues, “The Earmarks have caused many problems when they have been exposed to the public, I have proposed in my legislation to get rid of Earmarks, once and for all.”

The Reporter from the Faux News Networks shots a quick startled questions to the Senator, “Do you mean to say that the Galactic Senate will no longer earmark funds, hidden in large budget bills, that give money to their family, friends and political supporters?”

“Goodness no man, My legislation is getting rid of the word Earmark and not give a name to what we do and work to hide it better. If you don’t know what we are doing, then you can’t whine and bitch about it. Any further questions?” Aak Ask smiled at the reporters.

The Press corps just stared back with stunned looks on their faces.

“Well then, we’ll call it a day then” said the Senator as he left the dais.

I have had too much time to think

2007-07-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Since I had a lot of time over the very long deployment I had tome to think about some of the things that bother me. So with out further ado, here is a list of 10 things the bug me about being a Stormtrooper.

10. Blast doors don’t always open all the way.

9. Sometimes I feel like just another number.

8. The brainiac who thought of white amour should try suiting up and hiding in a forest himself sometime!

7. The pension plan stinks -- if you live that long.

6. Can’t see a thing in that helmet.

5. Vindictive captain always puts me on dangerous detail.

4. “Armor forms an anti-blaster cocoon,” my ass!

3. Cheap-ass rifles are way off calibration. I keep missing my targets.

2. Every time I meet a nice girl, she shoots at me.

1. I personally toasted several rebels on the Tantive IV, and I still got less recognition than that guy who just said, “Look, sir, droids!”

Totally ripped off from the Holonet :

Another reason the dislike pilots

2007-07-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am stuck on a moon in the outer rim. My unit is guarding a flight base hidden in the temperate region. Security is tight and this has caused some problem.

Yesterday BD 978 and I were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where fighter crafts were kept. A pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, so BD 978 asked him for it.

"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my Fighter”

"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your fighter," replied BD 978, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

And that is why We are now guarding a Waste Water station.

Sorry for the long absents, deployments are a bitch right now. :)

Lastest Press Release from the Brass

2007-04-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

News Update: Grand Army of the Republic (G.A.R.) Unveils New AwardSubject: Combat Briefing Badge (CBB)

Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat operations, the G.A.R. today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB.

"People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going on patrols or convoys," said Republic Naval Commander Dick Hertz. "When you're briefing that many General Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time, not just combat arms soldiers."

G.A.R. statistics note that briefing personnel are more likely to suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Clone Troopers in the field. "This just reflects that reality," said G.A.R. spokesman Major Paynein Theash. “On the plus side,” Major Theash continued, “at least we don’t have any general who kill people who bring them bad news.”

The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint Ranger tab.

The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.

The Combat Briefing Badge

Son of a Bith!!!

2007-04-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

I keep getting unusual assignments.

I recently was asked to escort and protect a group of Bith and their Ambassador, Sam Bithdor. As you may know, the Bith are fantastic musician, know throughout the Republic for their skills. The Ambassadors group all played and carried their instruments with them at all times.

THE BITH BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN

On the last night on Coruscant, Ambassador Sam took the group to a local disco. The disco was owned by a friend of the Ambassadors. Everyone had a great time, making music, dancing and drinking.

As we made out way back to the Ambassador’s residents, one of the party stop and groaned, “I don’t have my Harp, I think I forgot it”

“Where did you last remember having it “ Asked another Bith.

The Harpist sighed, “I left my Harp in Sam’s friend’s disco”

He was promptly beaten for unlawful use of an out of Galaxy pun.

Just a Short Note

2007-03-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Master Yoda still has me meditating on my "drinking" problem. Will be back soon.

-Tak

Maybe Yoda Was Right.

2007-03-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how your St. Patrick’s Day went, but I woke up with my head all fuzzy on the floor in a penthouse suite of some swanky hotel on Los Wages. I remember shuttling over here with some of the other troopers and some Corellian marines.

Then drinking a lot, some kind of dance club and then it gets real blurry. I think I started dancing with a Twi’ Lek women. Had to be, who else could be yellow?

All I have to show what happened is a room key, a temporary marriage license (WTF) and this picture.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

THAT ISN’T A TWI’LEK

Come to think of it I don’t want to know what happened.

A Tale from the Old Republic

2007-03-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

In antiquity there was a ranching community on Tattooine who were known to be the best breeders of Banthas in the Republic.

The Great Bantha Drove of ‘07

One Bantha rancher had a prize bull which he had named “Sea Czar”. The local magistrate took such a liking to this prize Bantha bull that he sent his troops to buy or take it from the rancher. The rancher seeing that he had no standing in the matter took the money and gave the animal up.

The Mighty Sea Czar

As a final request, the rancher asked if his Bantha could eat in the pasture it had live it’s whole life one last time.

The troops just sneered at the rancher’s sentimentality and as they loaded the Bantha on the transport told the rancher “We came to ferry Sea Czar, not to graze him.”

Happy Ides of March!

Now I am going to get a salad.

I am off to see the Jedi, the wonderful Jedi of Oz..

2007-03-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

I am shaken awake by a clone trooper, who keeps saying “TK-266, you have that appointment at 10:00 hours at the Jedi Temple.”

I look at the chronometer on the wall. 09:15. I crawl out of bed, still buzzed from the night before. I can remember most of the evening, right up to the point we started a drinking contest with the Corellian marines. Then things start to get fuzzy, about as fuzzy as my tongue feels.

I make it to the Jedi Temple in time to report to the BDA (beer drinkers anonymous) meeting room. I take a set and wait for a few minutes. I hear the door open and someone shuffle in to the room. I also hear the familiar tap of a cane.

“General Yoda, Sir! It is good to see you.” I say as I stand and salute.

MASTER YODA, BUT WHY.

“Good to see you trooper …”he looks at the data pad “…TK-266. call me General, you need not. Your councilor, I am.”

He looks at me and then nod for me to sit down. “Problem you have with ….” He lifts his hand in a drinking motion and makes a ‘Glug, Glug” noise.

“I have an alleged ‘glug glug’ problem, Sir” I respond.

“And causes problems, this glug glug does?” Master Yoda asked.

“Uhh, no, at least not for me.”

“Hmmmm, See thought you I can. A problem for Commander Badburns, maybe?”

“Maybe. Hey why are you counseling clone troopers? Don’t you have galaxy to save or something better to do with your time?” I try to change the subject.

“Humpph! Community service I was given. Drive to slow in the slow lane, they say. Leaving blinker on for 3,894 miles, against the law it is. Contempt of court, giving Judge force wedgies are.” Master Yoda says with exasperation. “Getting you off the booze, we must return to now.”

Master Yoda looks at me intently and motions towards me.

SEE THOUGH YOU HE CAN

“Much beer I sense in you. Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to inebriation, inebriation leads to hangovers, hangovers...lead to suffering." I am told in a whisper of a voice.

“That’s not a problem. Clones have Mandolorian blood lines. We don’t get hangover. Just really fuzzy morning.” I reply.

“Know this I did not. But does not change the problems of beer. Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to drunkeness. Drunkeness leads to beer goggles. Beer goggles leads to dirty women. Once you get a dirty woman in your jock, forever will she dominate your destiny.” Yoda intones

“What?!?!?!?!” did you just say ‘dirty girl on your jock’? Are Jedi even allowed to talked like that?”

“Keeping my slang fresh I must or hip I will not be.” The Jedi master informs me.

“At your age, I don’t think any of your slang will ever be considered “Fresh”.” I tell Yoda

“See if street creds you have, when 900 years old you are. Be –yach!” Yoda snaps at me.

Not wanting to get Force pushed around the room, I turn the conversation back to why I am here, “I don’t think I have to worry about beer goggles, I can handle a night on the town with the guys. The have my six.”

“Oh, Like the time waking up you were that the Rodian. An eye-patch and no hair she had. Quite the catch, was she?” Master Yoda smiles.

“Uhhh ….., ummmmm….. ah … I don’t know what you are talking about.” I stammer

RITA? HONEST' I LOST YOUR NUMBER

“Sit and mediate on the danger of coyote ugly, with me. Work more on your ‘glug glug’ problem, we will.” Master Yoda orders.

I sit, still myself and wonder how the rest of the session is going to go.

TBC

AMAZING MUTANT RACE 3: GRAND FINALE

2007-03-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

It is the grand finale on The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Please come on over and watch Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Vegeta and Tak battle for the prize. OK we don’t really battle. We have to make up an Oopma Loompa song, then we need to either test Willy Wonka’s new candy or make a new kind of candy kids will love. Stop by to help our ratings during sweeps week!

Click Here For Jon IG.

Click Here For Vegeta.

Click Here For Tak.

Even if you don’t have a clue what we’re doing, stop by and make fun of us.

But I Thought it was 12?

2007-03-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

I am once again in the office of Commander Badburns.

He has an Elvis look

“TK-266 due to your involvement in the drunken vandalism incident…”

“Alleged drunken vandalism incident, Sir” I interrupted.

“… ALLEGED my foot.” Badburns harrumphed “I know it was you, I just can’t prove it”

This was turning into a bad version of Ferris Buller.

Badburns continued “Due to the incident and the known drinking, I have recommended you for counseling/reconfiguration. I wanted to have you sent back to Kamino to be “fixed”, but have been told by High Command that it is not going to happen. Instead it has been decided that you must receives substance abuse counseling from a local source.”

I stand still, dumbfounded behind my helmet. I don’t abuse any substance, I just use them to the fullest of their abilities.

“It seems …” Badburns spat out “that the Jedi have taken a liking to the Clone Troopers and have several programs to help them. You have been assigned to a Jedi, who will council you on your problem. Report to the temple tomorrow at 10:00 hours. And take this brochure on the program.”

I salute and leave the office. Badburns calls after me “And if you fail the program, I’ll see that you are sent to the Outer Rim War Front” Great now this is sounding like a Hogan Hero’s episode.

I look over the pamphlet Badburns gave me:

Six Steps to a Better Life or How the Force Can Help!

1: Come to believe that the Force is greater than ourselves and could restore us to balance

2: Do or Do not a searching and fearless inventory of one self, there is no try.

3: Once you start down the dark beer path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consumed you it will, as you consumed the dark beer.

4: Be entirely ready to beware of the dark side of mixed drinks.

5: If you choose the quick and easy path, you will become an agent of drunkenness.

6: Your ally is the Force. A powerful ally it is to stop you from boozing.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Waiting Is the Hardest Part

2007-03-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

While performing ceremonial guard duty at a dinner, I over heard an amusing conversation.

The Chancellor gave the dinner to honor several of the high command for their efforts in the war with the Separatist. As usual Senator Ask Ask was in attendance.

EATING THE FREE FOOD.

As the food was served, Senator Ask Aak used up all the butter on the butter plate. He quickly waved down one of the waiters.

“Son, get me some more butter.” Ask Aak stated boorishly

“I am sorry Sir; it is the dinning custom to only serve one butter plate every 4 feet at the Chancellors table.” The waiter replied

Senator Ask Aak became a little irate, “You will bring me some more butter, you overpaid busboy!”

“I am sorry sir, I cannot do that.” Smiled the waiter

TOO BUSY FOR BUTTER

“Do you know who I am?” Ask Aak questioned.

“You sir, you are Senator Ask Aak, primary spokesperson for the Palpatine Chancellery. Do you know who I am, sir?” The waiter said.

“No.” Ask Aak stated with exasperation.

“I’m the guy in charge of the butter.” The waited told him as he turned in left.

Drinking Games?

2007-03-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

I have been called into my unit commander’s office.

Commander Badburns

“TK-266, it has come to our attention that some of the troopers went out last night. Were you with the groups?”

“Yes Sir, I was.”

“I have also heard that the unit drank heavily. Is that correct?”

“Depends on your definition of heavily, Sir”

He pulls out a data pad, “Let’s see …. Hmmm…. A bar tab of 1,800 credits for seven troopers. Sound heavy to me”

“We did pay the tab, Sir. And in our defense the drinks were expensive at that joint” I am glad I have my helmet on and he cannot see my face.

“Well the drinking is not the problem. It seems someone vandalized my neighborhood afterwards. Lot me show you a Holo of what was done.” The officer leans towards me and shows me the photo. “Do you have any idea who may have done this?”

Sand People couldn’t have done this – the shot are to precise.

“No Idea, Sir. It could be Separatist.” I try not to let a smirk in my voice

The officer just glared at me. “Or does this ring any bells for you?"

Officer Wonder Dog

I bite my tongue, “No Sir, but she looks great, don’t you think?”

“Bowser is a male you idiot. And I supposes you have no idea what this graffiti spray painted on the side of my house means.”

Tak Guevara?

“Uhhhhh …. More separatist, sir?”

I must remember not to drink that much in the future.

AMR 3: Leg 7, part duex

2007-02-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

Tak is showing off the nightlife in loving downtown Beijing. Why is a clone from a galaxy from a far far away doing in China? The Amazing Mutant Race 3, Of course. Click here

AMR3: 7th leg- v 1.0

2007-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

Come on over The Amazing Mutant Race 3 and watch Tak try his hand at deprogramming cultist. Click here

A Sweet Story

2007-02-26T11:20:00.000-08:00

I was on patrol with a squad of Clone troopers, marching through the desert of Tatooine. We had been traveling for days, our water supply had run out, and we were on the brink of collapse.

I’VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A DEWBACK WITH NO NAME

And then suddenly, staggering over the crest of a large sand dune, we came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colorful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze. It was a Jawa encampment.

The Clone Troopers were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, we ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, we begged the stall-holder for water.

"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with little chocolates."

JUST DESSERTS?

Not to be deterred, the troopers move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.

DID JAWA JIN MAKE THESE?

We move on, but as we look down the rows of stalls, we could see that every single stall was selling exactly the same thing. As we move along, asking for water, we got the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders took pity on us, and told about an oasis not far away, so we leave the market, and head for the oasis.

MOVING ON

As we were leaving, I turn to one of the other troopers and say "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

AMR3: then there were 5

2007-02-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

Come on over and see how Tak is monkeying around this week. Click here

It Is Time To Dance

2007-02-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

GUEST POSTER: Oola: Dancer and Singer at Jabba The Hutt's Palace

TURN ON: BIG GUYS
TURN OFFS: BEING FED TO A RANCOR

The clones have invited me to be the singer/DJ at their annual dance off. I didn’t even know they danced. This should be great. I hope you like my first song, Jabba Got Back*

I like big Hutts and I can not lie
You other dancer can’t deny
That when Jabba waddles in with a itty bitty tail
And his round belly looking like a whale

WE LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE

You get sprung, wanna dance out your stuff
Cause you notice that Hut was stuffed
Deep in the G, he’s wearing
I’m hooked and can’t stop staring
Oh Jabba, I don’t want you to ignore
That I am not food for a Rancor
My home girls tried to warn me
But that sexy Hutt makes me feel so horny

DANCING OLD SCHOOL MANDOLORIAN STYLE

Ooh, Bump-o’slime-skin
You say you wanna me to bend
Well, use me, use me
‘Cause I ain’t you’re usual groupy
You’ve seen me dancin’
The heck with romancin’
I’ve got sweat and I’m wet
Chasing you like I’m a Fett
I’m tired of the holo’zines
Saying that skinny Hutts are the thing
Take the average dancer and ask her that
Hutts gotta pack much back
Jabba got back!

THAT’S THE WAY, UH HUH, WE LIKE IT.

See you at next years Clone Dance off!

*With apologies to Sir Mix A Lot

More Testing

2007-02-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

The lastest memo from the brass

___________________________________

Memo

To: All Current and Potential Flight Personnel
From: Grand Army of the Republic Evaluation Office

Due to some recent issues with Flight Personnel, all member of the G.A.R. and The Republic Navy’s Flight team are required to complete the following evaluation test. Please return to the Evaluation office no later 48 hours after receiving this test. Do Not, repeat, Do Not send evaluation attached to a ‘flight diaper”.

1. Who of the following do you most resemble?
A. John Glenn
B. Scott Glenn
C. Glen Campbell
D. Glenn Close

2. Which of the following do you enjoy watching?
A. I Dream of Jeannie
B. CSI: Orlando
C. Desperate Housewives
D. Dog the Bounty Hunter
E. Three's Company

3. Which of the following items would you not bring on a road trip?
A. Brass knuckles
B. Teddy bear
C. Nunchaku sticks
D. Throwing stars
E. IEDs

4. Which of the following statements best describes the correct relationship between astronauts?
A. More than a working relationship, but less than a romantic one
B. More than a not-romantic relationship, but less than a body-fluid-exchanging one
C. More than a purely physical relationship, but less than one where we don't give each other enough space
D. More than having hot, steaming, bare-assed, mind-blowing sex while orbiting the Earth 250 miles above, but less than doing it on the surface of the moon

5. At the end of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the space ship piloted by Keir Dullea has apparently landed in a lavishly decorated parlor. Which of the following scenarios best describes to you what has happened?
A. The parlor represents the decorative ideal that the apes in the first scene were striving to articulate by clubbing each other with the jawbone.
B. Director Stanley Kubrick went totally off his nut.
C. What kind of astronaut name is "Keir Dullea," anyway? These are stupid questions. I don't have to talk to you. Leave me alone.
D. I said—leave me alone.
E. Won't listen, huh? Here, have some pepper spray.

6. When you hear the words "Houston, we have a problem," what's the first thing that comes to mind?
A. Malfunction in the retro-fire OMS rockets
B. Loss of ceramic heat-shield tiles on takeoff
C. Thruster malfunction in the reaction control system
D. Shuttle commander is attempting to boil crew member's bunny rabbit

7. A space shuttle travels at approximately 15,000 mph. A BB pellet has a velocity of about 50 feet per second. If a space shuttle were launched from Houston and a BB gun were fired simultaneously, which would hit the boyfriend-thieving bitch in the Orlando airport satellite parking lot first?

8. Complete the following sentence:
"Three—two—one …"
A. Ignition.
B. Ready or not, here I come!
C. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD, give it to me—now!
D. Roll down the window, Colleen.

* Test stolen entirely from Slate.com

AMR3: once you got it up, keep it up

2007-02-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

Tak is helping with Fertility and building shrines on The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Click here to see what is going on.

A Cry For help?

2007-02-13T11:26:00.000-08:00

Senator Aak Ask has called another press conference to an important “revelation”

SENATOR AAK ASK

Senator Aak Ask: I have called you all here today to address some of the rumors that have been swirling around the media. I want to let you all know the truth of the situations.

Reporter 1: What rumors? And why the truth now? *giggling form the press core*

Senator Aak Ask: You know you vultures have been circling, trying to find out about my affair with my campaign manager’s wife. I am here to admit that the rumors are true, but I only did it because I abuse Spice.

*mummers of confusion from the press* Reporter 2: Sir, didn’t that just happen to Javin Gnusun of Sa Fra’ soico? Are you just doing this as some kind of stunt?

Senator Aak Ask: No, Never. I had to get this off my chest and get into rehab. Maybe the Fetty Bord center on Alderaan?

Reporter 3: Senator, You don’t have a campaign manger, according to my records.

Reporter 2: Isn’t that the rehab center that Lisney Low Han is currently attending?

Senator Aak Ask: Uhhh, I meant I had a Spice induced rage that caused me to fight with the Coruscant Security Force. I told them I thought that the Wookies were the cause of all the wars in the Galaxy and called an officer Sugar thighs. I am a sick man, in need to goring to the Fetty Bord rehab center.

Reporter 1: That wasn’t you. That was Krell Gebbsun, the director of “The Passion of The Force”

Senator Aak Ask: *becoming agitated* “How about I wrote inappropriate Comm messages to youngling at the temple? Or I may have had an affair with this clone trooper and made him give me Spice!”

The reporters all turn to me and I shake my head ‘No’. The reporters start packing up and leaving.

Senator Aak Ask is still ranting “No, No don’t leave. You al have to report on my Spice addiction and my need to get into that rehab center. They only take famous people who get time on the Holo-net. Come on people! How else am I supposed to get to meet Ms. Low Han?"

Once again I am reminded of why I prefer battle duty.

AMR3: interlude part 2

2007-02-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

What dark secretes are being expose on the Amazing Mutant Race 3 Click here for part 2

AMR3: interlude part 1

2007-02-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

What dark secretes are being expose on the Amazing Mutant Race 3 Click here for part 1

AMR3: Leg 6 part 2

2007-02-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

Amazing Mutant Race 3: Tak battle giants in a game of cards. Click here

AMR3. Leg 6

2007-02-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Amazing Mutant Race 3: Tak get to drink with the gods. Click here

Lastest News

2007-02-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

Whoo Hooo, I got quoted in the Coruscant Times. Check out the news article.
****

Naboo Security Officer Arrested in Love Triangle.

Coruscant -

A Naboo Bodyguard accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections will remain in jail because authorities planned to charge her with attempted first-degree murder, an official said Tuesday.

Coruscant jail spokesman Aleike Norbee said Coruscant Security Forces were in the process of adding the more serious charge that Sabé, 23, tried to kill the woman.

File Photo: SABE’ ON THE JOB

Local Magistrate Ben Farwar had earlier said Sabe could be released on 15,500 cr bond provided she stay away from the other woman and wear a monitoring device.

Sabe’, a Naboo captain and Body Double for the former Queen, stood in a jail uniform during the hearing, looking down. She already faced charges including attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery.

Naboo Security chief, Captain Typho said he was "perplexed" by Sabe's actions.

Security Forces said Sabe flew from Naboo, donned a disguise and was armed with a toy blaster and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Bailt Oefebacca, an shuttle pilot who she flew with once.

SHUTTLE PILOT OEFEBACCA

Oefebacca, 141, said he and Sabe trained together but never flew a mission together. (What he really said was “Rawwhra Grewwa Koallll hurrrrrr!”)

Sabe told Security forces that her relationship with Oefebacca was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Security forces found a love letter to Oefebacca in her shuttle.

According to Trooper TK 266, who was involved in the arrest, Sabe believed another woman was romantically involved with Oefebacca. “Yeah, she was a little whacked out and crazed” TK-266 was quoted

Sabe will be held without bail until a hearing next week

Back To "Normal" Duty

2007-01-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

I was in Senator Aak Ask’s office on ceremonial guard duty, when his chief of staff, Rak Riice, came in for a meeting.
_________________________

Senator Aak Ask

Aak Ask: Rak Riice! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Rak Riice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of Hapes.
Aak Ask: Great. Lay it on me.
Rak Riice: Hu is the new leader of Hapes.
Aak Ask: That's what I want to know.
Rak Riice: That's what I'm telling you.
Aak Ask: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of Hapes?
Rak Riice: Yes.
Aak Ask: I mean the fellow's name.
Rak Riice: Hu.
Aak Ask: The guy in Hapes.
Rak Riice: Hu.
Aak Ask: The new leader of Hapes.
Rak Riice: Hu.
Aak Ask: The Hapesman!
Rak Riice: Hu is leading Hapes.
Aak Ask: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Rak Riice: I'm telling you Hu is leading Hapes.
Aak Ask: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading Hapes?
Rak Riice: That's the man's name.
Aak Ask: That's who's name?
Rak Riice: Yes.
Aak Ask: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of Hapes?
Rak Riice: Yes, sir.
Aak Ask: Yassir? Yassir The Hutt is in Hapes? I thought he was from the Nal Hutta.
Rak Riice: That's correct.

RAK RIICE: EXACERBATED

Aak Ask: Then who is in Hapes?
Rak Riice: Yes, sir.
Aak Ask: Yassir is in Hapes?
Rak Riice: No, sir.
Aak Ask: Then who is?
Rak Riice: Yes, sir.
Aak Ask: Yassir?
Rak Riice: No, sir.
Aak Ask: Look, Rak Riice. I need to know the name of the new leader of Hapes. Get me the Secretary General of the Senate on the phone.
Rak Riice: Kofi?
Aak Ask: No, thanks.
Rak Riice: You want Kofi?
Aak Ask: No.
Rak Riice: You don't want Kofi.
Aak Ask: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the Senate.
Rak Riice: Yes, sir.
Aak Ask: Not Yassir! The guy at the Senate.
Rak Riice: Kofi?
Aak Ask: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Rak Riice: And call who?
Aak Ask: Who is the guy at the Senate?
Rak Riice: Hu is the guy in Hapes.
Aak Ask: Will you stay out of Hapes?!
Rak Riice: Yes, sir.
Aak Ask: And stay out of the Nal Hutta! Just get me the guy at the Senate.
Rak Riice: Kofi.
Aak Ask: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the comlink.
(Rak Riice picks up the comlink.)
Rak Riice: Riice, here.
Aak Ask: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in Hapes. And the Nal Hutta. Can you get Hapes food in the Nal Hutta?

*******************
Now my head hurts. And we wonder why the Republic is faltering.

*with apologies to Abbot and Costello

AMR3: Tak's 5th Leg

2007-01-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

AOC explores The Horrors of Disneyland, after having to forfeit his money from The Amazing Mutant Race 3. Click here to see what happened.

Look it’s a Takseketeer

Coffee in the Morning ...

2007-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

When I reported to the Supply office for duty this morning I received some good news and some bad news. The good news; Ensign Kip, irritated by my lack of copier expertise, had the clone troopers reassigned for out last day of “sensitivity job training”. The bad news; The reassignment was to the Jabba the Coffee Hutt in the lobby.

MORNING AT THE COFFEE HUTT

We opened at 5:00 am and it was non-stop all morning. The orders came fast and furious and the Troopers and I worked hard to keep up.

Customer #1 “I’ll have a Latte with no foam”

CUSTOMER # 1

Tak: “One coffee with cream”

Customer #2: “I want an Espresso, hot, but not to hot”

CUSTOMER #2

Tak: “One coffee, black”

Customer 3#: “I need a non-fat half Cappuccino, half de-caff, wet, hot, with a twist of lemon and dash of Correlian Spice”

CUSTOMER # 3

Tak: “One coffee, with cream and spit in it”

And so the morning went. I went on a short break when I heard a commotion.

“When I say no-foam, I mean no foam, you insignificant little womp rat!!” The customer screams

SOMEONE NEEDS THEIR MORNING CUP OF COFFEE

Wow, Customer service is harder that I thought. Oh well back to work. Good thing this is the last day of this assignment.

Tak's Temp Job (part 2)

2007-01-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

Continued from here

The morning goes by slowly. I have been filing A-35JZ forms in triplicate all morning. One in the Alpha file, one in the Date file and one in the Subject file. I am not sure why, I thought the Republic had everything on Datapads. So much for the paperless office that Microsith promised.

My “duty officer”, Ensign Kip comes in to glare at me.

“Are you a flippin’ Idiot! You have filed the A-35JZ under Parts. Geez, why would you do that?”

“Because the A-35JZ is a request for Speeder parts.” I reply in my best “don’t kill this man” voice.

“Then you should file it under Transportation, you freakin’ moron. Why do I get all the dumb ones? Gosh!!” Ensign Kip hissed at me. “Just take this cart of file and photocopy them.”

I grab the cart and start down the hall, but not before hearing “Ugh! Idiot!” from the Ensign.

Half an hour later I am back at Ensign Kips office. “Umm… Sir, there was a problem with the copier.”

Ensign Kip walks out and starts to ask “What is freakin wrong now, I was just chatting with Corellian babes on the holonet and ….”

“Something is the matter with the toner I think.” I try to explaine

TBC

The Amazing Mutant Race 3

2007-01-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

Over at The Amazing Mutant Race 3, Tak is jumping the Grand Canyon and fighting Zombies. I know, I know, what do those two thing have in common and what the heck is Tak doing on Earth anyways.

Click here to find out.

Tak doing his best Evel Kneivel

AOC: New Jobs (sigh)

2007-01-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

It was brought to the attention of some high ranking officer that the Clone Troopers have been less than polite to some non-combat member of the Grand Army of the Republic (G.A.R.). Something about locking Ensign P. Brandoff jr. in the supply closet (for 3 days) after his little rant about a trooper not filling out the right ZTR-726b form to get a new datapad.

A directive came down from Admiral P. Brandoff sr. that Troopers in my squad would have to take “sensitivity job training”. This is supposed to teach us that all jobs in the G.A.R are important.

For my first day I was ordered to office pool.

I was forced to take public transit.

Not to bad, but these people need to learn how to use deodorant and not to urinate on the seats.

Once at the office pool, I was given 59 pages of paper work to fill out, assigned my cubical and given my job assignment.

But before I could report to work, I had to get a office ID.

20 minutes later I am arguing with the department in charge of Photo ID, who have informed me that due to the fact I have no office ID, I cannot be giving a Photo ID. I wave the reams of paper work at them, but they send me back to Human Resource.

Once at HR, I discover they have taken a break. I slip in, Slice the mainframe and produce and office ID card and head back to Photo ID

I don’t think they got my best side.

I then head back to the HR department to fill out thereat of my paperwork. Again they are on a break, So I am forced to sit and wait, while the front desk person talks on the com-link about which is the best new bar in the CoCo district.

I am beginning to feel it was a bad day to leave my blaster at the base.

TBC

Winners and Throw Downs

2007-01-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

The winner of Tak’s Caption Contest (Tak with Cookies) is Jon IG with “Let's see... Serve donuts or get my butt handed to me by midgets in bear costumes... Well what would you do?”

Reference to Storm troopers getting beaten by Ewok is always a crowd pleaser. Congrats Jon. Go visit his site.

On another note.

Someone, I won’t say who, has been bashing how the Clone Troopers dance.

Let me just say Troopers are great dancer. Janga Fett had great coordination and rhythm. And as we carry his genes many Troopers have mad skillz also. Just check this out.

Yoda isn’t the only one who can bust a move.

Tak's Caption Contest

2007-01-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

Once again it is time for Tak’s Caption Contest.

Winner will gain the esteem and adulation of the ten’s of visitor to this site.

Here is mine to start the contest.

“Tak reminded himself to never volunteer until after the full assignment was announced.”

Amazing Muntant Race 3: The 3rd leg

2007-01-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

Come see Tak skydive and work as an Elvis impersonator. Click here

Holiday Party Photos

2007-01-12T09:15:00.000-08:00

I have gotten my holiday party photos. It took longer than I thought it would. That will be the last time I use Jaba's Photo Hutt to develop my film.

The clones got ready.

E775 and I went to get Beer.

Jango Fett and Chewbacca came dressed for the occasion.

Kenobi and R2D2 were festive as well.

The Jawas brought a snack and Yoda got hammered.

“Drunk, I am not”

Then Lord Vader showed up and had a beer.

And another

And several more beers, until things got out of hand.

Really, really out of hand.

Next year, no holiday party.

AMR 3, leg 2 part 2

2007-01-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Tak helping GI Joe with a rescue. Read more here.

For Nan

2007-01-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

Nan asked to see who had visited the Trooper base. Click here to see

Some Like It Hot Tub

2007-01-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

Jaina Solo Com linked me to let me know she was sorry for the comments she had said the other day when I was ripping on Snowboarders.

“Tak” She cooed, “I just wanted to let you know that I am not mad at you. In fact the more I thought about your “hot tub” comment, the more I have been thinking about you and me ... and a hot tub.”

I was stunned.

She continued, “Why don’t you come over to my place. I’ll have the hot tub a warmed up and ready for us. Come over quickly.”

In less then 10 minutes I am through the back gate and jump in the hot tub the await the lovely Miss Solo. I start to smile as I hear the sliding glass door open and ….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

TAK IN A LITTLE HOT WATER

It keeps asking if I want any Champaign. Yikes! I can’t tell it this wookie is male or female.

Send Help! NOW!!

ARM3 leg 2 of the race

2007-01-10T02:48:00.000-08:00

Tak has run the second leg of The Amazing Mutant Race III. Click here to see what happened. Down with Koma

AOC and the Amazing Mutant Race

2007-01-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

Tak has run the second leg of The Amazing Mutant Race III. Click here to see what happened.

Down with Koma

Guard Duty with a Python

2007-01-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

I am on guard duty and am getting really bored. We have been told to be on the look out for rebel infiltrators who might try to get on the base undetected.

I see a several clone troopers approaching.

“Hail there, fellow Clone Trooper” the one on front says to me, “We have just gotten back from an important mission and need to report to the base commander.”

WTF??? I stare at these troopers for a moment. “Uhh, why don’t you guy just move along and I’ll forget you even were here, Ok?” I tell them.

I heard one of them whispering to the leader “Your right, the Jedi mind tricks are working.”

Another “Trooper” came running up. “I need to get on the base right now I have an important message for Lord Vader! Let me by.”

The first group started whispering again and then asked the second "trooper" “Excuse me. Are you the Coruscant People's Front?

The second guy gets indignant and says “Frack off! I am the People's Front of Coruscant.”

They begin to argue with each other over who had the “people’s interest” at heart and some other such nonsense. I was just about to blast them all when another groups rushed up.

The look at me and ask “Are you with the Front of Coruscant People? We are looking to get on the base and were told to meet your contact here. By the way nice disguise.”

I just shake my head in disbelief, set my blaster on stun and knock the lot of them out. On the plus side I’m not bored anymore.

It's Sno Joke, My Friend

2007-01-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

I have just come back from a quick weekend on Hoth. A bunch of Clone Troopers went for the Skiing and while there we bumped into a group of X-wing pilots who were Snowboarding. The usual “banter” went back and forth and the Troopers started spitting out the jokes.

Clone Trooper Getting Ready To Ski

X-Wing Pilot “Shredding”

Q. What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend/boyfriend?
A. Homeless

Q. If you have a car with 3 snowboarders in the back seat, what do you call the driver?
A. Sheriff!

Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. 3 days!

And

Q. How many snow board instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?A. Three - one to hold it, one to video tape it and the other to say "AWESOME DUDE!"

The X-wing Pilots got mad and tried their own joke:

Q: How may Skiing Clone Troopers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I quickly shout back “None, we screw in Hot Tubs.”

I love skiing!!

A Corellian Marine Becomes One With The Force

2007-01-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

A Corellian Marine has found he has become one with the Force (died).

Qui-Gon Jinn asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of joining the Force.

The Corellian Marine replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my fellow marines and saw two Clone Troopers harassing a Twi’Lek at the bar.

So being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Trooper to stand down.

Qui-Gon Jinn said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the Corellian Marine did this great act. The Corellian Marine replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

The Amazing Mutant Race III's 1st leg

2007-01-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Tak has run the first leg of The Amazing Mutant Race III. Click here to see what happened.

Elvis the Ewok Song tranlation

2007-01-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

Detention Block rock (Jailhouse Rock)
KathHound Dog (Hound Dog)
Let me be your fuzzy Ewok (let me be your teddy bear)
Kashyyyk rain (Kentucky Rain)
G.A.R. Blues (G.I Blue)
Suspicious Minds
Return to Endor (return to sender)

A Pun Day A The Races

2006-12-18T13:12:00.000-08:00

Several of the Clone Troopers had a R&R day, so we went to check out a pod race.

After the race we were allowed to go and talk to some of the racers. One racer was complaining about needing a new pod racer.

He couldn't decide whether to buy a Racer with a high top speed but poor acceleration,

PODRACER WITH SPEED

or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

PODRACER WITH TORQUE

He turned to me and asked my opinion on the subject.

“I’d buy the second one because it cost a lot less" I replied, "and after all, torque is cheap.”

A Troubled Clone

2006-12-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

There was one clone trooper I served with a while back named Max.

Max was a good solider, but he had one problem. He hated climbing hills or mountains.

The guy would do anything to get out of it. We often had to hike miles out of our way on patrols just to avoid some trek up a hill.

Even when we had to take a hill in battle, Max would not climb up with us. He would always come up with some excuse.

One day a Republic Officer complained to me about Max.

I just responded, “Well Sir, He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

P.S. the winner of the caption contest is: Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...
You call this representative art? I say we tip it. That's representative of something, right?

Don't know why, but struck me as funny.

Jon IG was a close second, but fell due to a Typo.

Thank you all for playing this round :)

It Is Time Once Again For Tak’s Caption Contest.

2006-12-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

I’ll start. Please add something funnier then this:

“This is not the cow you are looking for.”

AMR3: Rough Landing

2006-12-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

Bam!!! I hit the floor with a suddenness that nearly knocks the wind out of me. I lay on the ground, stunned trying to figure out what has just happened. Think! Clear your mind !

Ok what do I remember; I was on guard duty, the late shift. I had a few minutes and I was using the Holonet. That much I remember. What next? What was it? Come on you have to think!!

A pop-up. It was a pop-up. Said something about shoot the ducks and win a I-pod. So I shot at the ducks … then spinning and Bam! The floor!! ...

To find out the rest click here

I will be on the Amazing Mutant Race 3. Come by a watch in January. But will still be posting here, so do not :-)

It's Just Business ...

2006-12-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

I have been assigned to the business forensics unit for a few weeks. Basically the unit looks over business records to see if we can find patterns of criminally. The Jedi are working with us to see if we can find out any information on a “dark force” problem.

What was interesting was finding out several very profitable companies that most of us had never heard of before the investigation.

Here are some of the samples.

OK, this is one I know about. Most Trooper helmets are made by these guys.

This one had a lot of business with bounty hunters, but how they could tell they were “Steely Eyed” when most of the bounty hunters buy from House of Vool.

Apparently this Realtor is used by people with hidden plans to take over the Republic, Jedi on the run and rebels.

These folks had a huge lay-away order for someone with the initials of: A.S. and/or D.V. Weird.

These guys build everywhere. Who among us haven’t seen their work. What I can’t understand is why no hand rails that meet Republic safety standards.

Sadly with all our work we didn’t find any bad guys. Well maybe we’ll have better luck next time.

All Items Half Off

2006-12-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

I had always wondered what made Darth Maul turn to the dark side.

I should have known it was retail related.

Newbies

2006-12-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

A young Republic officer had just been promoted and given his own office. On the first day in his new office, he sees a clone trooper come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Republic officer pick up the com-link and started to pretend he was talking to one of the fleet Admiral.

He threw out ideas for capturing rebel bases and finishes with a flourish saying “And if you can’t see the logic in that plan Sir, then you may not be fit for duty.”

Finally he hung up and asked the Trooper, "Can I help you?"

The Trooper responded, "Yeah, I've come to activate your com-link."

Kiss, But Don't Tell

2006-12-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I had to escort a Republic Officer to Ryloth, the Twi’lek home world. One of the advantages for me, I did not have to wear my armor.

We boarded the public transport, but could not find a place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young Twi’lek woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it was obvious that the young woman and I were interested in each other, because the looks we exchanged.

Twi’Lek Maiden

Soon the transport jumped into hyper space and everything went pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the transport emerges from the Hyper-Jump, the four of us just sit there without saying a word.

The Twi'lek grandmother thought, "It was very brash for that young clone to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The Republic Officer thought to himself, "I didn't know that clone trooper was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The Twi’lek Women was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

I sat there with a satisfied smile on my face. I thought to myself, "Life is good. How often does a guy like me have the chance to kiss a beautiful Twi’lek and slap an officer all at the same time!"

Clones, Windu and A Problem

2006-12-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

When working the Com-Stat desk on a late night detail I received a strange message. It was a memo from Kamino discussing a problem they were having with a clone. It seems the Jedi Council was attempting to a Jedi to help keep peace in the Republic. I made a copy of the memo before passing it along to the Jedi Temple.

MEMO

To: Jedi Council
From: Lama Su and Bilee Geight

Subject: Jedi Clone Experiment

This memo is to inform you that we have had many set-backs in the Jedi Clone Experiment. Bilee Geight, the project coordinator, thinks the problem is due to the Mediclorians in the sample you sent. Or it may just be the genetic sample from Master Windu just will not work.

We have made thousands of attempts to prefect to process. Here are some examples of the issues we have faced.

Windu 95: Our first viable clone didn’t come about until the 95th try. It to work well, but kept shutting down if it had to do more than one task at a time. It did not work well with any other clones. Plus it looks wrong.

WINDU 95

Windu 98: Close on the heels our first success; we thought we had worked out many of the bugs. But we found this model had major problems when it was allowed to use the Holo-Net. It would get sick with viruses very quickly.

WINDU 98

Windu 2000: After a lot of work we again thought we had perfected the Jedi clone, but as you can see it was old and outdated before it even started to work. And it still had many of the same problems as Windu 95 and Windu 98.

WINDU 2000

Windu XP: We gave up on a number system after Windu 2000. Windu XP (eXtra Powerful) overcame all the problem of the previous viable clones. At first it looks like all our problems were solved, but Windu XP began to hog all the resources in the training facility. After we had it working, we found that this model of clone needed constant upgrading to keep it working.

WINDU XP

We are therefore requesting that we can discontinue the Windu Project. In looking over the files of Jedi, it is believed we can get a viable Jedi clone from one of the following member of the order: Master Ma Kin Tosh, Jedi Knight Link Uss or Padawan Vista Beta.

P.S. Bilee Geight is still pushing for further use of the Windus, but please don’t listen to him.

A Collection Of Knock Knock Jokes as told by Star Wars Folks.

2006-11-29T12:16:00.000-08:00

Jawas
Knock KnockWho's there?
Aiwha.Aiwha who?
Aiwhant to just take a minute of your time -- and give you a demonstration of an astounding leap forward in vacuum technology. Yes, friend, I'm talking about the GalactiVac 4000...

Count Dooku
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dook.
Dook-who?

Jar Jar
Knock Knock
Who's There?
DishesDishes Who?
Dishes me, whois you?

Droids
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Art.
Art Who?
R2-D2.
(yes, Jon, this is a recycled joke)

Stormtrooper
"Knock, knock!
Who's There?
TK421!*
I'm sorry, I can't hear you!"

_____________________________

Thank you , Thank you. The show is over, please go on about your business.

* Call number of the trooper Luke impersonated on the Deathstar

You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard ??

2006-11-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

While suffering a Thanksgiving Day sleep induced food coma, I had strange visions of the future. I kept seeing a large asthmatic man in a black suit. It was strange and eerie. But the strangest part was my final vision before I was woken up by E775 so I could watch the big game.

What can it mean?

I Need Some Tums

2006-11-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

Whoa! It is 2 days after Thanksgiving and I am still having trouble fitting into my armor.

Need to eat less stuffing and pie next year.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

Just a short note to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my blog friends.

After I get the Turkey taken care of, we can eat.

May the Fowl Be With You!!

Hoth Cones and Pik Sacks

2006-11-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Once again I was stationed on a bass ackward system in the outer rim. My unit was assigned to Port security. The normal stuff; help the local get the smuggling under control, keep an eye out for separatist and keep the Republic safe.

The only issue I had with the whole assignment was a Hoth Cone vender in the port. “Mac’s Hoth Cones” did a good business. The main problem was the owner, a Zabrak named Mac, would not shut up.

Mac the Talker

Everytime we patroled by his shop he would start chatting us up: “Wow, it must be great to see the galaxey like you guys, I think it going to be hot today, so is that armor hard to clean,” and on and on. E775 started callign him Chatty Mac, which I did not find as funny as E775 did.

One day a group of Krogs landed in the space port. Now Krog are good being, but on their homeworld they do not use Credits, only barter. One Krog approached the Hoth Cone Stand and tried to trade a pik sack (which is a very nice small sack woven out of Pik fur – expensive and durable.)

A Krog

Well, right away Mac Start to tell the Krog, it is 5 cr and he doesn’t want what every the Krog is trying to give him. Finally he yells “What the heck is that thing anyways?”

So I say “It is a Pik sack, Chatty Mac, so give the Krog a Cone!”

Vader's Van

2006-11-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

Darth Vader called ...

He is pissed ...

He wanted to know who pimped his van …

Again!

After The Elections Press Conference (part 2)

2006-11-18T00:39:00.000-08:00

The Press conference continues…

Q: Senator Ask Aak, about the race in Pixelito.

Senator Ask Aak: I'm glad you brought that up, Terry. Pixelito is the central front in this war. It's going to take a long time, but I'm confident we will succeed there. And the reason I'm confident we'll succeed is because Gran want to succeed. A defeat there—if we were to withdraw before the job is done, it would embolden extremists. The only way we lose in Pixelito is if we leave before the job is done.

Q: But, Sir, your candidate there, Sen. Talk Taar, has conceded.

Senator Ask Aak: Well, we have our differences with Sen. Talk Taar from time to time. He's a good man. In this case, I just think he's wrong. We're confident we can achieve the mission there. Jessica.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, I'm not sure I understand your position here. The election's over.

Senator Ask Aak: Look, I understand here in Coruscant, some people say it's over. I know that. They're just wrong in my opinion. The enemy still wants to strike us. The enemy still wants to achieve safe haven from which to plot and plan. And we must do everything we can to protect the Malastarian people, including questioning detainees, or listening to their phone calls from outside the country to inside the country.

Q: I'm sorry, Sir. Do you mean, listen to the Dugs' Holo calls?
Senator Ask Aak: Only if one party is outside the country. Our lawyers have vetted this. David.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, how do you plan to deal with the Malatarian Congress you'll be facing when your party vacates its majorities in the Upper and Lower next January? What issues and proposals will you put on the table?

Senator Ask Aak: I'm sorry, David, I just don't accept your premise. This notion of, you know, a fixed timetable of withdrawal—I can't accept that. That's defeat. Withdrawing on an artificial timetable means we lose. You can't leave until the job is done.

Q: Sir, it's in the Malstarian Constitution. You have to leave office if you're voted out.

Senator Ask Aak: (to an aide) Dick Daak, is that true?

Dick Daak, The Senator’s right hand man: We're working on it, Senator Ask Aak. There'll be some changes to that in the conference report with regard to the new Separatist surveillance provisions. But for now, yes.

Senator Ask Aak: Well, we'll get back to you on that, David. Listen, thank you all. See you on the campaign trail.

Many of the reporters just wandered away, looking confused.

After Election Press Conference (part 1)

2006-11-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

Once again I am assigned to The Senior Senator from Malastare. Senator Ask Aak is holding a press conference to discuses his parties’ political losses on Malastare

Senator Ask Aak: And now I'll be glad to answer some of your questions. Mike.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, about the Dugs' victory in last week’s elections—

Senator Ask Aak: Now, wait a minute, Mike. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I wouldn't be calling it a victory just yet.

Q: Well, sir, terminology aside, the Dugs have captured the lower House—

Senator Ask Aak: See, that's what I mean. Getting ahead of ourselves. As though the enemy has already won.

Q: The enemy, sir?

Senator Ask Aak: Well, not exactly the enemy. I just mean their sympathizers here at home. The enemy here. You know, the Dugs.

Q: Ah. OK. Well, to get back to the point, Sir, the Dugs did win the election—

Senator Ask Aak: Define "win."

Q: Well, they won the House. And if the returns hold true in Eastern Malastare and Pixelito —

Senator Ask Aak: See, that's what I'm talking about. Just because the enemy has been able to make some progress doesn't mean you cut and run. Quite the contrary; we ought to do everything we can to help prevent them from making progress. And that is what our strategy is. Elaine.

Q: Senator Ask Aak, the Faux News Network has called Pixelito for your opponents. You're down several thousand votes in Eastern Malastare. You're down, what, a dozen seats, at least, in the House. Why fight on? What do you hope to achieve?

Senator Ask Aak: This notion of cut and run, I just don't accept that, Elaine. Look, this is a conflict between a radical ideology that can't stand freedom, and moderate, reasonable people that hope to live in a peaceful society. I'm confident in our mission because I believe in the power of liberty. We have a plan for victory, and we will succeed. Jim.

Q: Sir, with all due respect, I'm confused. What exactly did you achieve in this election? Can you name a state where your party picked up seats in either the Upper or Lower House?

Senator Ask Aak: Look, this is a hard fight, no question about it. But I believe that the strategy we have is going to work. We're building a Gran majority that can sustain itself, govern itself, and defend itself. I have great faith in our commanders on the ground to give the best advice about how to achieve victory. We're giving them the confidence necessary to come and make the right recommendations here in Malastare. We'll give them the flexibility necessary to make the tactical changes to achieve victory. And so we've made changes, we'll continue to make changes. But we have the right strategy and the tactics necessary to achieve that goal. Terry.

(To Be Continued)

NEWS FLASH! NEW FLASH!

2006-11-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

A news Update from CGN (the Clone Gossip Network)

Alderaan - Pandme Spears is saying bye-bye to A-Fed.

The pop princess, Pandme Spears, filed for divorce Tuesday from her husband, former backup dancer and aspiring rapper from Tatooine, Anakin Federline.

The Alderaan Superior Court filing cited "irreconcilable differences and the boy can’t sing."

Spears, 28, married Federline, 20, two years ago in a quite (secrete) ceremony on the Moon of Deagobah. Spears is suspected of being pregnant with twins or she has just gone off her diet.

Spears' attorney, Nobail Organa, stated “Ms. Spears was tired of living with a no talent, whiny, momma’s boy.”

Her marriage provided endless fodder for tabloids, which speculated frequently that the union was in trouble.

Federline's attorney, JJ the Jawa, issued the following statement. “While Mr. A-Fed has been out making the Republic safe for white rapper everywhere, his wife has done nothing but mock his career. I have known this boy from his day back in the trailer parks of Tatooine. He is good people. All he wants from this separation, and it is Ms. Spears who is being the Separatist here, is fair compensation for his sacrifices in the marriage. Oh and he wants her to pay for a vacation to Mustafar”

When asked if he was even a real lawyer, JJ yell “look Pamala Glanderson” and ran away.

In an interview with The Associated Press two weeks ago, Federline had nothing but praise for Spears.

"Her influence on me has been really big," he said. "She's a strong woman and she knows what she wants out of life and that helps build a strong man. I look up to you, baby."

In the divorce papers, which do not mention a prenuptial agreement, Spears asks for custody of the couple's droids, with visitation rights for A-Fed.

An Army of One??

2006-09-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

We were on a training exercise with the Corellian Marines. The marines were on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone clone trooper standing at attention at the top of a hill.

The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.

As the marine approached the clone trooper sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.

Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the clone trooper stepped out and stood back at attention.

The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.

The clone trooper ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.

Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill. The clone trooper ran into the woods.

He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.

The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.

The clone trooper ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.

Finally a terribly beaten marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.

The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one clone trooper destroyed an entire battalion of marines"

The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

He Has A Higher Power To Answer To...

2006-09-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was stationed on an unnamed planet at a secret base. It was pretty well hidden from sight, but it had a landing pad that could be seen if someone flew over head. Normally this didn’t happen often and we world have time to camouflage the landing pad.

Well, late one afternoon, I am very surprised to see a small civilian transport ship landing at our "secret" base. Immediately a squad of clones impounded the transport and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he was headed Begas, a local pleasure city about 80 miles away, with a load of costumes for exotic dancers, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Base commander started a full intelligence background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fueled up his transport, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison on Hoth, told him Begas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to my total disbelief, the same transport showed up again. Once again, my squad surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

A Arrrrmy of (Cl)one

2006-09-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

In honor of Intergalactic Talk Like A Pirate Day we have a few pirate jokes from everyone’s favorite space pirate: Hans Solo

….

….

MR. SOLO *prods Hans with his blaster*

Hans: *mutters to himself* “Last time I let these imperials board my ship.” *glares at Tak. “and you’ll let me go after this?”

Tak: “Sure, just live up to your side of the deal.”

Hans: “Ok, OK. Hey folks here are some of my best pirate jokes for Talk Like A Pirate day.”

What’s a pirate’s favorite animal?
An Arrrrrvark!

What’s a pirate’s favorite sweaters?
Arrrgyle!

What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Arrrrrrrgentina!

Why did the pirate ship look so good?
They used varrrrrrrnish!

What did the pirate want to be when he grew up?
An AARRRRrrrrrcheologist!

Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go?
Not very fARRRRR!

What kind of phone calls do pirates make late at night?
Arrr, they be makin' BOOTY calls!

Tak: I don’t get that one!

Hans: Didn’t think you would. Can I go now?

Tak: Yes, and see you next year for Talk Like A Pirate Day!!