Thursday, August 31, 2006

What With Those X-Wing Pilots?

Due to the fact that a certain X-Wing pilot wanted to talk about clones, I will return the favor with a Q&A. Feel free to add you own.

Q. How do you know your date with the X-Wing pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my X-Wing?"

xwing 1

Q: How do you know if there is a X-wing r pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and X-Wing r pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's an X-Wing pilot.


Q: What's the difference between an X-Wing pilot and a X-Wing engine?
A: An X-Wing engine stops whining when the X-Wing shuts down.


Take that, Rebel scum :P

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tales of a Rainy Day

One time, when I was walking through Coco District, it began to rain. I went to put my hand up to block some of the rain. As I did, a glass eye fell into my hand. I looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young Twi’lek woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" I asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and I agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered me a drink. As she was very attractive I agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" I readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the Twi’lek said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

I hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Captured Enemy

We captured a group of separatist fighters recently.

Either the age of the rebels is getting much younger or the Ewoks have taken to shaving themselves.

shaved Ewoks

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Ask Aak and The Danger To The Republic

I have once again been assigned to cover a press conference with Senator Ask Aak. Oh what lucky clone am I. The good Senator announced the press conference as “A new plan to help save the Republic.

All the big news outlets were there: Coruscant News Network (CNN), Naboo Public Reporter (NPR), Alderaan Broadcasting Consortium (ABC) and of course FAUX New.


Senator Ask Aak begins “As you all know these are trying time for the Republic. We are witnessing great changes to the way of life we have always loved and enjoyed. But there are threats, assaulting us daily from all side. It is because of the threats to our basic ways of life that I am proposing radical legislation in the Republic Senate today.”

The reporters start in with their questions.

CNN reporter: “Are you going to propose that the Republic open negotiations with the Separatist”

ABC Reporter: “Is the Republic Senate finally got to get serious about it oversight of the Chancellor’s expanded powers?”

FAUX news reporter: “Are you declaring that Senator Cilliary Hinton is a danger to the republic and having her sent to the spice mines of Kessel?”

NPR reporter: “What?” as she stares at the FAUX News reporter.

Senator Ask Aak glares at the gathered reporters, “No, No and that’s not a bad idea. The threat to the Republic of which I speak is graver than that. I am talking about the fact that some world are thinking about letting ... Droids marry.” He gasps at his own words.

All the reporters look at each other and then at the Senator. The ABC reporter is the first to speak up, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

“Just as I thought,” roared Senator Ask Aak “you lot don’t even watch or read your own news. I have here an article for the New Coruscant Times stating that Corellian Robotics is going to, and I’ll use your own word, MARRY it technologies with Dosk Droid works. As you can clearly see, these groups are promoting Droid marriage, which I see as a great threat to the well-being of the Republic.”

The FAUX News reports shoots a question to Ask Aak, “Senator, I have just learned from a reliable source, that droid marriage is a great threat to the well-being of the Republic. Do you care to respond?” He then gives the Senator a sly thumbs up.

“See, we now have another confirmation of this terrible story.” Senator Ask Aak winks one of his eyes at the FAUX New reporter.

The NPR reporter speaks up, “Sir, don’t you think the article means that Corellian Robotics and Dosk Droids are just sharing their plans to build better droids?”

The Senator looks sad and shakes his head, “I am sure that is the Republic hating spin you will put on the story. Why do you hate the Republic so?”

The CNN Reporter starts, “Senator, don’t you think that this ….”

The Senator waves his hand and the Galactic Republic Anthem begins to play. Everyone stops and stand straight and tall.

As it anthem ends, the Senator quickly ask, “Anymore question,” a dozen hands go up “I guess not. I’ll see you all later.” Ask Aak rushes off the stage, leaving behind a confused news corp.

Epilogue: CNN, FAUX News and ABC all run stories on the perils of Droid marriage, while the NPR reporter runs a story on why she hate her job.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Five Most Dangerous Things I Have Heard As A Trooper

1. A Nabooan Enlisted personnel saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Jedi Knight saying, "Trust me, guys..."

3. A Republic Navel Ensign saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Clone Commando saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. Any Corellian Special forces personnel chuckling, "Watch this Sh**!..."

P.S. Very bitter about LGS. Grrrrrrr.

LGS: The End Of The Road

I have been voted off LSG, stop by and see my final entry.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Tagged About A Book

In One of the ultimate act of betrayal of a friend, I have been Meme’s by The Henchman

*Shake fist at the sky*

Why!!! Why!!! Why!!!!

Oh, wait this isn’t some freak of a Meme like Deadpool sends out. Never mind. I can do this one.

1. Grab the nearest book. (Yikes, “Networking for Dummies”)

2. Open the book to page 123. (Chapter called “Life After Set Up")

3. Find the fifth sentence (ok done)

4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

Depending on the operating system version you’ve installed, you may or may not need to apply a service pack immediately after installing the operating system.

The Windows Server 2003 Setup program automatically checks for updates before it installs the operating system, so you shouldn’t normally have to install a service pack after running Setup.

However, you may need to do so with other operating systems."

5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest. (I measured, my car owner’s manual, the Dictionary and several game manuals are 6 inches further away)

6. Tag three people (I think not, this Meme dies with me! Freedom *Meme pulls a knife and threatening waves it* On the other hand I think I’ll tag Nandehi, Dark Jedi Kriss, and Emma the Ewok)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

LIfe and Death Above Endor

Continues from here.

As we travel to Endor we receive orders to put on pressurized armor. This is in case we have to cut thought an airlock from the outside of the ship we are attacking.

I am almost finished suiting up and setting the helmets com link to my personal transponder when the Trooper next to me asks “Are you a Tech? Something is the matter with my helmet com link.”

“No, I am not a Tech, but let me look at it.” I take his helmet and start to look it over. Nothing wrong with I, but it smells funky.”

“Trooper, there is nothing wrong with …” I begin while starting to look aup at him. He is putting on my helmet.

“What are you doing? That's my hel…”

“That helmet stinks, now it is your Rookie.” He laughs and hits the pressure seal.

Great! Now I have a “
Jango Funk” helmet and our com links are screwed up. Well, that is just par for the course with this ill-conceived mission.

We get the signal that we are approaching the Endor system. Lt. Amrose voice comes over our com links. “OK troopers, Beta and Charley will attack on the ports side and attempt to enter in any entry point available. Alpha will follow Delta and keep us covered. I want 3 ARC on Delta and the rest to attack any forward batteries ….”

So my unit gets no cover? What a jerk!

The ship lurches slightly as we drop out of hyperspace. The pilots have done a great job and we are less then 10 Km from the ship.

“Oh my, that is a big ship.” Lt. Ambrose’s voice comes over the com link, tinged with fear.


The senior clone trooper speaks up “Sir, I think we need more ships.”

A false bravado creeps in to Lt. Ambrose’s voice “Never, we will attack as planned. All wings attack now!!!”

We gun it and go. The enemy ship starts to lay down a heavy barrage as we fly in at full throttle. As the Delta squad’s Gunboat approaches the enemy ship it is hit and destroyed. Good bye Lt. Ambrose.

The senior clone NCO’s voice come over the come link. “Defensive pattern Omega Delta One Five Nine” All the ARC-170 break off and sweep the ship near its fighter bay. At that moment, 40 fighters begin to emerge from the ship. Most are wiped out before going 1000 meters.

“Gun Boat Alpha and Charley, concentrate fire on the smaller batteries. Gunboat Beta, land at the stern of the ship, place explosives near any engine exhaust port. You have 10 minutes. The rescue is off, I repeat the resuce is off.” The clone NCO orders in an even voice.

Two ARC-170 are lost quickly. My unit lands and the clone in charge gives hand signals and everyone moves to their jobs. I take two clones and set up a short defense line. We are on the look out for any enemy that might pop out of deck holes. The other nine troopers begin placing explosives, while our Gunboat hovers above ready to give any covering fire we may need.

I send the troopers with me 10 meters left and right of me. The trooper to my right makes a hand signal towards his nose and my helmet. Oh good, Trooper “joker” is on my flank.

Once in position, we wait for the chance to fire at anything. One of the ARC-1670 begins a strafing run along the deck. I contact the crew.

“ARC 7, watch your fire. Friendlies are in the area.”

ARC 7 swings up and come in for another strafing run.

“ARC 7, what are you firing at? No hostile in this area, I repeat no hostiles in this area. Watch your f….”

ARC 7 hits Trooper “joker”. He is vaporized in an instance.

“ARC 7, friendly fire causality. What are you firing at? Repeat what are you firing at?”

As ARC 7 circle up again, it is hit by a heavy laser batter and spins into the bow of the ship.

Delta squad’s lead trooper informs us that the explosives are planted. The Gunship drops and 11 of us load up. We have lost 4 more Arc-170’s and Gunboat Alpha. We move at top speed to get away from the enemy ship. A few fighters try to follow us, but break off as their master ship begins to explode. Within minutes the ship has broken and two and is falling towards the moon.

“Back to base” come the order over the com link.

We are back to Coruscant. We hear news that the owner of Skycity, has made it back. How that happened, no one can figure out.

We are all being debriefed. One of the officers listing the KIAs, when I hear my designation. I speak up, tell the officer what happened. They are not happy. More paperwork for them now.

I am put on inactive duty, but not allowed to leave the base while it gets sorted out. Great, this could take weeks. How the heck am I going to help the Lt. Cmdr now?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

A Brief Briefing ...

Continued from here.

I grab my armor and report to Hanger 15. A small company of mixed Clone troops have been assembled. I notice about 30 crew member for 10 ARC-170 Starfighter and 4 Republic Assault Gunboats. This will be a small fast moving group, set up for quick in and out mission. It might be a raid or we have to rescue another Jedi.

I am a little surprised by the thrown together nature of this group. While all Troopers have been trained in battle, it is obvious that some of these troops have spent more time at support.

A Republic Navel Lieutenant begins to brief us.

“I am Lt. Ambrose. I will be leading this unit for the duration of this mission. Several months ago a resort above Coruscant, Skycity, was attacked. It was believed to be the work of C.I.S separatist bent on striking fear in the Republic. We have received intelligence on the location of a political prisoner being held by these separatist scums, who hate the freedom that the Republic offers to the Galaxy …”

Why do these young officer insist on giving us the rah rah speeches. We are G.A.R trooper for Force sakes. We will follow what ever order we are given. Do we have to listen to the hype also?

I begin to listen again “…so the mission is strait forward. Three of the ARC-170 will defend the Gunboats carrying the troops. The others will assault the enemy ship at close range, knocking out the forward batteries. The Gunboats will get close enough to engage the ship and broad it. We need to take as many of the C.I.S. troops alive for integration. Three squads of troopers will assault and pacify the crew and while Delta squad makes its way to the prisoner hold.”

So it is a rescue.

“Once on board the C.I.S ship, I will personally lead Delta squad and will secure the prisoner; Noel, operator of Skycity. Any questions!” The Lt. continues

One of the ARC pilots asks “What kind of ship are we up against? And do we know the armaments?”

“We do not have that information. Long range scanners have not detected the ship type yet. But we do know it will be orbiting the moon of Endor. When we get there we will just attack any ship we see. No one should be near that moon in the first place.” The Lt. smiles as if he had just made a brilliant observation. “Any further question?”

I had several; Why is a Lt in charge of a company size unit, it a little outside his pay grade? And what is with his plan? I haven’t seen anything this bad since second year military tactics back on Kamino. Does the Lt. have any combat experience? And why don’t we have any Intel on the ship we are assaulting? Is 14 ships and 78 roops enough for this mission?

There is something odd about this whole set up.

Some of the veteran troopers are having the same small looks of doubt.

But what is a trooper to do? We break into the squads, load up into the ships and head in the space. I end up in Beta squad. Thank the makers.

To be continued.

Monday, August 14, 2006

A Trip With A Tail.

Continued from here

I leave 500 Republica building and begin to make my way back to the base. I am agitated and can’t figure out why. I guess it is due to the number of devises we found in Jardina’s apartment. I am almost positive what I will find when I examine the devises once I am back on base. Why would anyone place that many ‘bugs”? I don’t get it. And all the same type.

I drop the bag I am carrying and bend down to pick it up. As I had suspected I have picked up a tail. I am being followed by a Bothan. For a sneaky race, this one sticks out a bit here on Coruscant.


I continue on and make my way to the financial district. Once there I glance around and then head down one of the back streets. I find a trash container and dump the bag of Jardia’s “bug” laden clothing. I then break in to a run and get out of there fast.

A few moments the Bothan approaches the dumpster, glances abound, then goes to retrieves the bag. I watch from a ledge about 20 feet above. When his arm reaches in, I leap down on the dumpster’s lid. There is a sickening crack from the Bothan's arm. Before he can yelp in pain, I kick him in the face and knock him out.

I quickly activate the electronic dampener that Jardina added to my com-link, strip any weapons and devises he has on him. I do a quick electronic sweep to make sure he does not have a tracking devise on him. I then move the dumpster so I can’t be seen from the street.

While I wait for the Bothan to come to, the anger I felt earlier is turning to curiosity. Other then sparing this is the first sentient I have ever fought. All my battles to date have been with Droids. It is oddly exhilarating.

The Bothan comes to. I start right away with questions “Why are you following me?”

“What?” he says

“What is not a reason. Why are you following me?” I give his broken arm a slight tap. The pain shoot through him and he yelps. I reach for his arm again and he barks out “I don’t know, I was just told to follow you and send a report to a drop location.”

“Wow, for a professional you sure gave up that answer easily. Now tell me the truth, who hired you?” I punch his arm.

“Aghhhh! What?”

“What is not the name of an employer.” I punch his arm again. “Say what one more time and I’ll tear your arm off.”

The Bothan yelps louder. Through clenched fangs he spits out, “You have no Idea who you are dealing with. They will kill you in the end. And no matter what you do you can’t protect her, you know that don’t you. And after you are dead, she will know what you did and she will despise you forever.”

I looked stunned and then my fury rises. “That may be the case,” I hiss in a low venom filled voice, “but you won’t be around to see it.” I tighten up my hand and knuckle punch the Bothan in the throat. I hear the wind pipe crack and blood flows from his mouth.

While the spy dies, I retrieve the bundle of clothing from the dumpster and make my way back to base.

Once back on base I stow the bag in Jardina’s office. My comlink beeps and informs me I am to report to hanger bay 15 and to be ready to travel.

Now what?

To be continued

Friday, August 11, 2006

LGS: What a Tough Week

After my tough week on Last Gladiator Standing, I find out a little more about my embarrassing date. Read about it here.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Mission Interrupted

I was on a mission with Kenobi and Skywalker on Cato Neimoidia. It had been going badly. Our unit was cut off from the main force, we had lost our transport and Skywalker was running low on gel.

I and two other troopers had been order to scout ahead for some kind of transportation from any friendly local. A storm broke as evening fell. After an hour or so we came across what looked like an inn.

*Hmump! So this is how you celebrate, do you?*

Uhhh, What … anyhow back to my story” …. We when spoke with the innkeeper, who was friendly to the republic, he said he did have one local animal he could let us use. The local rode very large dogs, bread for that purpose.”

*Some dumb pun story, no less. Read not the blogger rules did he*

Excuse me I am trying to tell a story. What is the problem here?”

Read the rules of blogger you did not. To be show the error of your way, you must.”

*looks around* “Ok who said that? You’re talking like Master Yoda but you don’t sound like him.” I inquire

A small green being in Jedi robes step out behind the scenery.

muppet jedi 1

Ha!! I knew it. You’re not Master Yoda. Stop talking like him you imposter.” I call out

You couldn’t afford Master Yoda. Who you calling an imposter any way clone boy. I knew Yoda back before you were even popped into that EZ-Bake oven you call a mom. Master Yoda asked me to stop by and make sure you abide by the rules of Blogger™”

Uhhh …..What are you taking about?” I ask dumbfounded

In section 34, paragraph 78, sub-section 14, line 1034 it states “All people/persons/beings/clone boys who use Blogger™ must on reaching their 100th post make said 100th post related to the underling fact that it is their 100th post.” It is right their in black and white, 7 point Sanskrit font for everyone to read. so get cracking clone boy.”

This is silly. It is a stupid rule and you are a stupid little frog for bugging me about it. It is my story and I will do what I want. Now go away.”

Ohhhh my poor Kermie. Take it Back Clone boy HiEEEEEEEE.”

muppet leia

Stop trying to kick me! Who the heck are you? Never mind I don’t want to know. Just leave the area.”

Oh Yeah Buster. Heyaaaaa! HiEEEEEE!”

Stop attacking me you freaking pig!” I set my blaster on stun and knock her out

BZZZZZZ! The frog pulls out a light saber. “Now listen here, by the power given to me by Master Yoda and the Blogger Force, you will acknowledge your 100th post.”

muppet jedi 2

Yikes! “Ok. Not a problem I do it right now. But then can I get back to my story.”

No! It is another dumb pun. The punch line is “I would never send a Knight out on a Dog like this.” Now get to being happy about your 100th post NOW!!!!”

I can’t believe you ruined my joke, You spiteful little frog

Well, you would have a bad attitude if you spent the last 50 years with someone hand shoved up your ….******************************************


Ok I can see you point, but you didn’t have to ruin my joke

People don’t like your pun, they are ….”

I like you Puns. Wacka Wacka Wacka. I use them all the time


Kermit and I just stare at the bear.

Why didn’t you wear the outfit I gave you. This is a Star Wars Blog Fozzie!!.”

The frog and the bear begin to argue and fight.

Oh well, this has been a strange day. In closing I would like to thank everyone for stopping by and reading my stuff. I would thank some of you personally, but then this would go on much longer. Here is too being goofy with other online freaks and geeks. Again thank you all for your encouragement.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Another New Mission

“Trooper! Come here. Lord Vader and Emperor Palpatine have an important job for you.” The Imperial Officer barked at me.

‘Yes, sir. Another mission hunting down rebel scum? Off to crush a rebellion in the outer rim? Help hunt down the last of the Jedi?” I was very excited, it has been slow recently.

“This mission will keep you on Coruscant, Trooper. We need some on to work on static open-air adverting for an upcoming event in the near future. Report to the duty officer to get you assignment.


Some days I dislike my job more then others.

LGS: What Happend to My ....

A Army of (Cl)One has a gender bender on Last Gladiator Standing. Come on by and see what happened.
Also this week the audience get to vote.


So make sure you come by this week and voter for your favorite Clone Trooper. If not him, vote for me then. Free Bantha Gut Soup for all who vote.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Communication Meeting.

A few weeks ago all G.A.R and Republic Navel Personnel on the base were asked to fill our a communication survey, to find out what communication issues exist. All base personnel were then requested to come to a presentation on the finding. The presenter would be Captain Cordwell of the Republic Navy. There would also be a panel for senior brass, including Base Commander Watkins.

Here is how it went.

trooper meeting 1

Captiain Cordwell is on stage with some large graphics. “We have found many issues with the current levels of communication among the rank and file. These range from the minor to the serious …”

Base Commander Watkins: “Yes, yes, but get the the point Captian. We don’t have all day.”

Captain Cordwell, a little nervously: “The number on problem seem to be a fear of bringing negative news to senior staff. As you can see from the cha…”

Base Commander Watkins: WHAT?!?!?! Why haven’t I heard this before? This is an outrage.”

Captain Cordwell: “Well, because it’s negative news, Sir?”

Base Commander Watkins: “Do you have any solutions? Or did you come here today to just try to embarrass the commanding staff? This is the kind of disrespect to the G.A.R. that gets people shipped off to the outer rim to watch over Nerf Herder on system no one has ever heard of!!!”

All the other panel members look around apprehensively, but say nothing.

Captain Cordwell: “uhhh, um … Maybe if we wait a few day the issues will take care of itself.”

Base Commander Watkins: ‘Fine, next issue”

Captain Cordwell, through a strained smile: “Happily, there are not any other communications issues, at all. Everyone has strong moral and thinks the current system is great.”

Later as I am escorting Base Commander Watkins back to his office he asks me “Trooper, why do you think so many problems go away on their own.”

“I have no idea, sir” I reply as I roll my eyes.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Some of What I Have Learned Being a Trooper

You pick up funny and useful advice when serving in the Grand Army of the Republic. Here is a collection of some of the best.


"Aim towards the Enemy." (Instruction printed on DS-15 Rocket Launcher)

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. (G.A.R Field Manual)

Cluster bombing from Republic Attack Gunship is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. (G.A.R Field Manual)

If the enemy is in range, so are you. (G.A.R Field Manual)

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Jango Fett)

Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Clone Commander Cody)

You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (Clone Gunnery Sergeant)

Tracers work both ways. (Naboo Defense Force Training Guide)

Five second fuses only last three seconds. (G.A.R Field Manual)

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (Correllian Special Forces)

If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. (Lt. Cmdr. Oneida)

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. (Admiral Ozzel)

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. (Clone Trooper E775)

Draw fire not; irritates the people around you, it will. (Master Yoda)

Mines are equal opportunity weapons. (Clone Platoon Sergeant)

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. (Lt. Cmdr. Oneida)

If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. (Jedi Knight Skywalker)

In the Navy, the Chief is always right. (Wedge Antillies)